Parenting labels..why do we use them?

[Cocolove]

Another thread brought me to this.
Why do we use labels when it comes to parenting, like "gental parenting" so what would you call a parent who doesnt co-sleep, doesnt baby wear, introduces solids early etc etc are we "hard parents" I feel that when I hear the word "gentle parenting" I get the guilts like wow am i a bad mum coz i couldnt manage to breast feed, because my son went into his own room at 7 weeks, because occasionally when i know he is super tired ill let him cry for a little bit.

Why cant we just be parents, as simple as that.
We all make different choices, my son & daughters are happy, well adjusted & healthy we do whats right for us and we are no worse off for it.

[Lulu]

It's up to you how you react hun. Blonde jokes don't bother me and that's another label, - I don't have to subscribe to it.

[Cocolove]

It's up to you how you react hun. Blonde jokes don't bother me and that's another label, - I don't have to subscribe to it.

Thats true but things like this does not help a PND mum, trust me I am one

[Lulu]

It's still up to you how you take it though - as you said We all make different choices, my son & daughters are happy, well adjusted & healthy we do whats right for us and we are no worse off for it.

My daughter went into her own room about 4 weeks - that doesn't make me a "hard" parent. My other 2 slept in my room because of a space issue, doesn't necesarily make me a gentle parent either.

I'm a Carlton supporter. I use that label to explain to people I barrack for the best team in the AFL (kill me...I know we suck right now). Some people use the term 'gentle' to describe their ethos as parents is all.

[Olive]

i think all parents should be happy and comfortable with the way they have chosen to parent and not let what others do bother them

[Heaven]

I think it's just used to easily explain what sort of parent you are. If I say I'm a gentle parent people know where I come from and how I likely parent. Doesn't mean everything I do is 'gentle' but I'm more that way inclined and it's easy to say 'I'm a gentle parent' than explain everything you do, iykwim.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

There's the gentle mum, the attached mum, the working mum, the gina ford/tizzy hall mum, the stay at home mum, the social mum, the helicopter mum...

NOWHERE in any of these labels is "the good mum". Because we're ALL good mums, we just have different styles. And society likes to label a mum with a style. I have been classed as gentle/attached mother - and also working mother, SAHM, uninvolved mother, over-involved mother, bad mother (by my own mother!)... I just let it go now.

I would say I was more gentle than not: I occasionally co-sleep (DS wandered into my room at 3am today), more usually when DS is ill; I did breast and formula for feeds; I use cloth and disposable nappies; I didn't cuddle DS when he fell from the dining room table yesterday, DH did that because DS is upsetting DH by not wanting Daddy so I'm letting DH do more, even if it means DS is screaming two seconds longer; I babywear not because we "can't afford a pram" (as some locals thought) but because I have no room to store it in my tiny home - I am getting a bike with a child seat on the back for DS very soon as I'm sick of carrying him everywhere now, but when he was younger I certainly used the pram; I went back to work when DS was 13m old part-time, then full-time when he was 2 (now unemployed)...

My point is, I have had praises and criticism for doing what I wanted with DS. And had severe depression at the time. It made it easier: I knew everyone thought I was a crap mum so the odd praise was really wonderful.

I've said this in other posts: what do strangers know? Only what they see for two seconds or what you tell them.

Who gets to judge if you're a good mum or not? Your child. Do everything for your child with your child in mind and you'll be a good mum. Because that baby of yours is the ONLY person entitled to an opinion.

Yes, you'll get things wrong. See my sig - I know I get stuff wrong. But mostly I get it right for Liebling. He thinks I'm the world's greatest everything. That's all I care about.

[Astrid]

Labels are really a tool, they help us work out where we can get information and support from. They are not a brand or a way to make people feel bad. If something is listed as gentle then I am more likely to read it when I am looking for advice for a problem. Saves me a lot of time, I don't have to start reading a lot different articles to find what I am after, just a few.

I am sure whoever it was who first coined the term gentle did not wake up one morning and go "oh, lets find a name for parenting that will make other parents feel like crap".

[Cocolove]

I wouldnt even know where to begin to categorise my parenting.
Maybe SAHM/Social mum. I take my kids to the park, we go to movies, we play. My second DD was prem but i couldnt BF for anymore than 2 weeks.
I sometimes push DS in a pram I sometimes Carry him I sometimes put him in his backpack carrier & I sometimes go out without him, I still party on the very odd occasion hell im only 25, Motherhood is a learnt skill for me i envy those who it came naturally too, I have days where Im in tears from my hyperactive 5 year old my child screams for no reason she kicks bites hits and tells me she hates me, but I still think im doing the best that I can.

[Lulu]

I don't think it always comes naturally. In fact I think everyone is on L plates at the start.....and the middle.
Actually parenting my sensory son comes a little more naturally than the other 2 because I'm as nutty as he is.
You don't have to find your label, you can create your own if you want.

[{sarah}]

I don't label myself as anything other than "mum". I do what feels right for us, sometimes it's gentle, sometimes it's strict, sometimes I do things that aren't necessarily the best way, but we deal with that too. It just is what it is for us & we're all happy & still alive so far

[Inanna]

I am sure whoever it was who first coined the term gentle did not wake up one morning and go "oh, lets find a name for parenting that will make other parents feel like crap".

I think its really important to remember what Astrid says above. Its a way to describe an ethos. I follow in part a Buddhist philosophy doesn't mean I don't stand on ants but I subscribe to parts of that philosophy. It helps to define who I am (good luck there as I find it hard to define myself! ) It also differentiates between a hindu philosophy etc. I gentle parent will tell you that I aim to be as gentle as possible. I fail miserably when I am screaming like a hyena... I succeed beautifully when I sit on the floor & explain things...

People don't say they "follow in part a Buddhist philosophy" to stick it to Christians or Hindus. They say it as it's what they are. It helps to define a person's ethos, thoughts, ideas, values...

For someone to say I have a happy marriage is saying they have a happy marriage. Not to stick it to me who is about to be divored... YK?

PND is a crippling affliction but we have to remember always, through all of our challenges that statements of individuals beliefs/ethos are about the person persons it's about. Not about putting down others...

[~Raven~]

I am sure whoever it was who first coined the term gentle did not wake up one morning and go "oh, lets find a name for parenting that will make other parents feel like crap".

I reccon this too

[Cocolove]

I reccon this too

The point is, "Gentle" Parenters judge the hell outta other mums because they dont choose to smother their children Yet mums like myself just go about our lives and let mums be mums its just a bit contradictive, GP's want to be left alone to parent in their way, and so do we

[Rouge]

I'm confused. Why do people want to be left alone? And who asked everyone what they wanted? I certainly don't want to be left alone. Labels are what you choose to make of them. Just as some people use them to create an elitist status it can also be used in a derogative way when generalising.

[Cocolove]

left alone as in left to parent their own way, the way they choose and not have people feel the need to say hey shouldnt you get your baby up or shouldnt you keep him of solids till such & such etc etc

[PinkPalace]

Hi BP!
I understand your point of view with this topic - i know the thread you were talking about and i think it is great you brought up your concerns and queries into a new thread for discussion.

I always see labels as ways people can segregate themselves from others. Whether in a positive or a negative way.

I feel that being a mother is so very hard, and it doesnt help to have judgements placed upon your choices by outsiders that have no insight into your lives.

I believe as humans we often live in a vacuum and have such societal pressures to conform to what the masses say is the 'best way'.

We use methods in parenting because it is what works for us. When we realise it doesnt work then we want to research to find different methods. Here is where labelling can be an effective tool for finding information which differs from our own.

The important thing i think to remember is that just because i do something one way doesnt make it THE right way, but it is the right way for me.

If you find you encounter people that use labels in vindictive manners then these people are not your friends, they are not supportive and in all honesty life is far to short to be surrounded by people that do not make you feel supported.

Good for you for getting your point out there, and i guess all i can say is in these threads which often seem one sided or 'labelling' speak up, write your experience, write your opinions as you will find that your words will be the same as anothers feeling exactly the same way but too afraid to go against the grain

xx

[Lulu]

Mass generalisations don't get you anywhere.
Do you realise you came in here upset because you felt judged, recieved some really lovely advice then turn around and make a MASSIVE judgement yourself?