Abusive DH

[Izabella]

Thanks for your support, but was time to delete the post

[Oorki Galoorki]

absolutey as it would mean that he is being emotionally abusing by giving no access to money either.

[krisp]

Oh sweetie what a tough question. Really it doesn't matter what anyone else would do it just comes down to the decision that is best for each of us personally. Life is short, look inside your heart you will know if the incident was a one off or a glimpse of the future. Be safe xxxx

[krysalyss]

Probably. I feel that by staying I would be condoning that type of behaviour and would be risking it happening again to myself or any kids that I had with them. If there were exceptional circumstances then I may consider not leaving, but off the top of my head I can't think of any good enough ones. There would also be really strict rules from that time on (e.g. counselling etc.). I think Oorkie made a good point that there are likely to be other ways they may be abusing you (e.g. by restricting your finances).
I hope this helps. Good luck with your situation.

[Party-of-five]

if it was me then yes definitely I dont think it would be something i could forgive

[PumpkinZulu]

It's hard to say from a general point of view. I have been in a physically abusive relationship in the past, and the first time he hit me I made the decision to leave straight away. No thinking about it, I just did it, because I knew that it would happen again. And it did, and we were'nt even together the second time it happened. He was a bad and completely dodgy guy, and in hindsight I am not at all surprised that he hit me.

If my DF hit me...I honestly don't think I would. Not because I am 'weak' or allowing the cycle to continue or anything. But I would have to take it in the context in which it happened. He is not the type of guy to hurt women (or anyone for that matter) just because he can. He is vastly stronger than me, so we both know in a physical match I'd lose, as it were. I admit in past arguements I have shoved and even slapped DF but there is something, I can't put my finger on what, that would make it completely wrong if DF ever did it back to me. I guess I would have to consider the situation in which it happened; was it over nothing, or not a lot, or was it a very heated arguement in which perhaps I pushed him emotionally further than I knew he could handle. Knowing your partners limits emotionally is important. Having said that, a guy making the excuse of 'I was provoked' is NOT acceptable...but generally a man who is genuienely sorry and genuienely regrets his actions will npot be making up excuses like that, they will just feel deep remorse and sorrow over what they have done.

Also, you have to consider whether it is a one off on all levels. Is the relationship otherwise good, or has it been difficult for a while? Is he abusive in other ways, i.e. emotionally, finacially, verbally. A combination of these and physical violence would be, for me, a complete and utter dealbreaker.

hun, stay safe xox

[Schmickers]

I think I'd have to examine really closely what the motivations were behind the violence. As a woman, I would advise you consider leaving very seriously. As a man, things are different - as one person has already mentioned, unfortunately violence against men by women is often tolerated by our society. As a man, I would have to evaluate the likelihood of it happening again, the risk to my children, and weigh that up against the potential damage that excluding the mother of my children from their life would have. But as I said, those considerations are very different from a male perspective.

If I thought my children were in danger, I would go.

[Nettie]

I would suggest phoning the Domestic Violence Helpline to get some professional advice : 1800 656 463. It's free and confidential.

I hope the path you choose makes your way brighter...

[skeetaboat]

I would leave definitely if it was part of an overall campaign of meanness/nastiness/abuse.

I would consider staying if it was totally out of character and there were extenuating circumstances (eg a new medication which caused him to flip out/have a bad reaction), and he was remorseful, shocked and prepared to address the underlying cause.

I've got a feeling for you it's the former rather than the latter?

It's a decision only you can make, and it's not an easy one. If you do want to leave, don't let no finances get in the way. There are support organisations out there and there is also social security.

Here's a website where you can find out what support is available in NSW: Victim Resources — Womens Refuge (hope its ok mods). Also you can call 1800 65 64 63 to contact a DV support network.

[skeetaboat]

Also... if he is abusive, and computer literate, make sure you delete your browsing history so that he doesn't stumble accross this thread or domestic violence support service websites, for your own safety. xx

[Queen]

I think I would yes.
Its a tricky one.
Be safe xoxo

[Brotherly_Love <3]

First of all

I've been here before and it's an extremely hard call to make... especially being in the situation. But in the end only you can determine what is the right course of action for you and your family to take.

The questions I think you need to answer for yourself are:
Was this completely out of character for him?
Have there been any signs of this sort of thing happening?
Is there anything that could be contributing for such an outburst (ie drugs, alcohol, medication, state of mind etc)?
Would you be willing to accept an "I'm sorry" and that be the end of it?
Would you be willing to accept and "I'm sorry I'm going to get some help" for it?
If it kept going on what would you do?
If a friend asked you the same question what would you reply?

but most importantly... in your eyes is it acceptable behaviour from a partner to you? is it acceptable behaviour for your children to see and witness?

Yes it could very well be a one of situation... but what if it's not? What if this is the start of something big?

Back in the day I would have said yes I would stay, especially for the kids. Even after many more times I still stuck by him. In the end though, after some pretty exptreme circumstances I called it quits. Now, there is no way I would stand for it, I'll walk... I've done it before, I'll do it again. I deserve better and so do the children.

Please take care of yourself and your little ones! *hugs*

[Bathsheba]

I would consider the context. If I was living in fear then yes. If it was due to exceptional circumstances then probably not. I know my DH (we've been together 16 years) and he does NOT think hitting women is acceptable. However if, for example, it was because he was suffering from a mental illness or brain injury then I probably would stay as I know that this is not a part of his usual "makeup". My thyroid disease changes my brain chemistry sometimes and makes ME want to hit out some times and I would hope that he wouldn't leave me. DH isn't a big man though... of course he is stronger than me but he has never taken advantage of that. His usual personality is calm, polite and respectful... suddenly hitting would be soooooo out of character... it would make me seek help from a health professional and manage his behaviour with their assistance. If it became a regular thing I would have to then consider the future of our relationship... even if it was due to illness I think even he would suggest I move out.... that's the type of guy he is... he doesn't try to maintain power over me at all... we are equals in his eyes and deserve equal respect.

My stepfather used to have violence as a part of his usual makeup and my mother stayed with him for too long. Big mistake. They never change if it's part of who they are... just what my experience has shown.

[Roryrory]

If my husband hit me? No, because I would have to assume he had developed a brain tumour or something. It would be completely out of the blue. I would get him to see a doctor pronto.

But as others have said, if it is a crescendo in a life of aggression and violence, then yes. It may be that he needs therapy but equally it cold be the start of a dangerous pattern.

Might I suggest you contact a women's domestic violence help line?

[KitFaerie]

I'd leave in a heartbeat. I don't think it's acceptable at all and I honestly can't imagine the ''right'' circumstances to physically hit another person, male or female. When I think about making hard decisions, I ask myself ''What would my advice be if this was happening to my daughter?'' (I dont have a daughter yet, but the thought's there!). Money you can come across, respect not so much.

[Bathsheba]

Ah sorry I forgot about the no money issue: If I needed to leave and had no money i would contact CentreLink and request an advance on my payments. I personally have access to joint bank accounts and credit cards though and wouldn't hesitate using them... but if they had no funds I would contact CentreLink.

[misty]

I Have put this question in this section for emotional reasons.

I know it may be hard for some to discuss but I was needing some thoughts.

If you had no money to your name, and your DH hit you once, would you leave?

The money would not be a factor in my decision at all.

I would like to think that 'yes' I would leave straight away - having said that, I have been with DH for 12yrs (since I was 16 and he was 15) and this sort of behaviour would be so far out of character, it would really depend on the context and the extent of the violence (ie, was it a punch or a tap?). Honestly, if my DH hit me, I woould be more then likely to hit him back twice as hard - but it has never been an issue in our relationship.

I have had friends in abusive relationships, the problem is it is so easy to rationalise and justify the behaviour - even though to the rest of the world it may be extremely obvious. I think it depends on your relationship, how long you have been together, how well you know him. I don't believe money should be a factor for staying.

[briggsy's girl]

it would really depend on the context, as others have mentioned. if you've got no money cos he witholds it as a way to control you, and then hits you - hell yeah, that would be the straw that broke the camels back

if you have no money because you're struggling financially as a couple, it would be different - i'd have to look at WHY - is it out of character to hit out - is there the potential for a mental illness or something? if he accepted that what he did was wrong, and agreed to seek help (therapy/meds/investigation) then i would CONDITIONALLY stick it out. if he didn't think he'd done anything wrong, then i would leave

centrelink have social workers that can help in a crisis situation. not everyone can get advances of payments, but the social workers have contacts within charities and welfare organisations that can help you leave if you need to.

i definitely wouldn't let my financial situation be the make or break of me going - if i needed to leave cos i felt unsafe, then i'd find a way to go. womens refuges exist for a reason


Schmickers - you're right - violence against men isn't recognised anywhere near as much as it should be. i admire you being honest enough to admit that you'd consider your children in whether you leave - i guess for many of us we assume that the person being abused would leave and take their kids - not always so easy when the abuser is the female partner...