why can't I love myself?

[~breeze~]

I'm a really nice person, I know this. I truely believe I'm a great catch for a guy, I'm devoted & I look after my BF/DH as best I can.

I have a nice guy that I went to school with that is now interested in having a relationship with me. We have hung out together a handful of times (gone to the movies, beach, watched DVDs at my place etc) & on the last time we hung out watching DVDs at my place he kissed me. I felt sooooo awkward & I told him. That made it even more awkward for me, he seemed fine & has continued texting me asking to hang out since (its been about a month now since the kiss).

I've been saying no to catching up because I'm scared he'll try & kiss me again

He sent me a message tonight asking if I was ok because I sounded a bit cold on the phoe to him the other night (Fri) when he called to see if we could hang out. I told him I was going to bed so he didnt stop by.

The thing is I COULD have stayed awake & had company had I wanted it but I kinda feel like I cant trust his intentions. I mean he's told me he's attracted to me & likes me alot, would like a relationship but I cant help but think... how is he attracted to me? I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life (incl during PG's), my boobs are disgustingly big from the weight I've put on, I've got bad skin... I look in the mirror & cry!

I've been told by a few friends that they think I'm attractive & its all in my head. I understand I'm not butt ugly but I dont think I'm attractive either.

I've heard people say all the time... "you cant love someone else if you cant love yourself".

How do I start to love myself? I mean I hate the way I look but then I get all depressed about it & eat more junk food etc thinking that I dont need to look good for a BF anyway because I'm single so I might aswell just keep comfort eating, I hope that makes sense.

This is all over the shop I think. I'm tired, probably shouldnt have started typing this tonight.

If anyone can help I'd appreciate it.

TIA

[rhyb]

Darl I know where youre coming from. DP was my first bf and when he first saw me again after 6 years he comes over to see me the fattest I have ever been (not even a month post babies Im talking massive jelly belly, lactating, wearing daggy clothes and just generally not being the picture of desire that I wish I could have been), covered in baby vomit and whilst talking to him Im tending to 4 kids with stinky nappies and tummy aches etc.
DP says he thought I was beautiful regardless and that everytime he said so he meant it. To quote DP there is so much more to beauty than physical appearance. I know you (albeit via FB and BB) but you are a beautiful lovely person that deserves all the love in the world. You are doing an amazing job with 2 very gorgeous kids and if you feel ready to take a chance with this guy you should.
Take it one day at a time and try to see yourself through someone elses eyes for once

[hannanat]

I think you should explain it to him exactly how you just explained it to us. If you like him or see the potential to, give him the chance to show you how special you are.

[BellyBelly]

OMG. I just wrote a reaalllllly long and detailed post of tips that helped me and lost it Stoopid Mac

Anyways, I will come back later now but here are some links for you I was going to suggest. Will write more later *cries*

My Body Is Undesirable
I'm Too Fat (part 1) & I'm Too Fat (part 2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQeEhUWsU0o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcBK1Ey2oJU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzJlHg9Lc9k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qb9bkbgxlpE

[ElleJay]

Lots of love hun, FWIW, I love you lots

[Epacris]

Heya Breeze,

You have been on such an emotional rollercoaster lately and actually, I guess you’re still well and truly on it while things with you XH are still unresolved. I think that it’s pretty normal for you to feel confused about everything including how you feel about yourself. I reckon I have a rock solid stable life and relationship and I still look at myself, not often but certainly every now and again, and think “blergh... I just look like crap”. But I get over it.

It’s great that you say you are a nice person and that you are a catch, cos you are! Now you just need to take it that little step further and feel that when you look in the mirror at yourself. I think this will just happen for you when things settle down a bit and there is more certainty in your life. Honestly, I’ve met you and I think you look lovely! AND actually, you know, it doesn’t really matter what you look like anyway, this guy that’s interested in you is interested in YOU!

Huge, huge hugs for you.

[thepixie]

I was thinking a lot about this the other night... I have only met you a couple of times, but based on what I know of you this is what I think... (forgive me if you feel I'm off the mark)
I think when you have been in a relationship for a long time where you have been manipulated, intimidated, lied to, told who you are, what you want, who you'd better be, and what you'd better want if you know what is good for you where you can't be honest about yourself, your feelings and what you want, you shut down parts of yourself. You have to, it's pure survival. When you've done that, even when you've taken the courageous step of walking away, it can take a long time to re-open the doors, air out the corners, and rediscover who you really are inside. It's hard to love someone - even yourself - when you feel you don't really know them anymore.
I think as Rach said the rollercoaster is sadly not over. There is more to resolve before XH is truly behind you. You are still wounded and vulnerable. You haven't had the chance to reconnect with yourself completely. It's when we feel wounded and vulnerable that we often wish desperately for a relationship, but often relationships are not safe for us at those times. The loving embrace of a friend who accepts you completely, on the other hand, can be very healing.
It takes time. Be patient with yourself. Start with small things - what do I want to do right now? What would make me happy this morning? Sometimes you really have to start from the ground up rediscovering what you want. When you remember what makes you happy with small things, eventually the bigger picture will become a lot clearer.

[Lulu]

It occured to me reading your post that you are more worried about being a devoted BF/DW......then you probably realise when he zooms in for a smooch that it hadn't occurred to you to think about what YOU want from a BF/DH. What's he doing with you anyway? What is so good about you? yadda yadda


Because you have forgotten to include yourself in you future plans you have the whole process arse about.

1) You have to believe in yourself a bit more. Has it occured to you that you might want more than a "nice guy"? Do you have criteria past that? I bet you do but you haven't got that far yet so that's why you are unsure. Maybe he is nice but not ringing any bells for you? What's so bad about that? He might not be right for you and that's ok. Why do you assume it's something wrong with you?

2) It seems for the first part you are confident in what you can give - what about what you want in return? Start listing that and believing that you deserve it (why wouldn't you?) and you will be more confident when someone doesn't hit the mark....and you know it isn't you.
If there is something you don't trust - trust your feelings! Wait it out a bit longer, don't assume you suck.

and in the future, when you truly believe in yourself (by repeatedly telling yourself why you are so awesome) and your milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard, you will be more confident about what you want them to bring.

feel me?

[mrsmac]

I think the girls have made some great points, you are so used to being treated badly in a relationship that you don't believe you deserve anything better. That's a very hard mind set to get out of, you were married for a long time and haven't been free for that long- you need to value yourself for all the things you have achieved and there are a lot of them!

Huge hugs to you, its a hard road to self acceptance/love and I don't think I'm there either LOL.

[~breeze~]

Thanks girls.

You're all right. I really dont know what I want. I think part of the reason I "want" a partner is because it seems like everyone has a partner around me & they're so happy. I know relationships can be great because I have many friends in happy marriages. I guess I just want that too.
I dont think I am ready.
I also think that making love has been tainted (is that the right word?) for me too. I was so young when I got together with XH (14, he was 28) I did everything he told me to do in the bedroom, even things I didnt want to do but he told me its what GF's/DW's do for thier BF/DH so I just did as I was told. It wasn't until around the time B was born that I started saying no (I was 24 by then, he was 38) maybe it had something to do with having a child of my own, maybe it opened my eyes that I was a "grown up" now & didnt have to do things I didnt want to. I think all that may have ruined the part of me that allows passion & sensualness (is that a word? LOL) I guess when a guy shows interest I just think he wants sex... not to make love, not even just to cuddle & love me.... just to take sex from me.

I also dont trust men (from alot of stuff XH did during our relationship) so I think it will take a while for a man to be able to prove to me he's trustworthy.

I hope this has made sense. I'm also watching criminal minds at the same time & have had a headache all day so my head isnt working too well tonight!