How to help my single Mum friend of 3.5yr old twin DD's ....... Warning long story !!

[smiles4u]

Hi all,

I met a really lovely & extremely kind hearted woman about 18mths ago, who is 31 and drop dead gorgeous & dresses with such pride, always looking immaculate even with her OP shop clothes as that's all she can afford and she has twin girls whom are 3.5years old.

She split up with her partner (father of the girl's) last year and moved out on her own with her girl's a year ago now. He makes no effort to help with money other than the maintence money he has to give (he works full time for his Father), and he got away with paying that as long as he could.
She didn't take her share of the house in which he owns with his Father as she said she wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with fighting over it and has no support network other than her Mother who doesn't do much. She said to him she would just take the furniture she needed in which most was secondhand. I get the feeling she just wanted to make a quick clean break from him.

She couldn't get private rent so is renting a commission home that is in the roughest and most unsafest street in this town (drug users & deals in her court). Neighbours kids knocking on her door cause their Mums don't feed them and so far her DD's have caughts nits off kids in the street on more than one occasion.

Her EX told her she is living in a better house them him and having a better life (WTF), keeping in mind he lives in a nice house in a nice area here. He buys his daughter's no gifts (birthday/Xmas), as she pays for them and the only time he choses to spend time with his DD's is a couple or few hours a week or so and that's at her home.

He makes no effort to take his DD's out and he won't take his DD's for even one night as he uses the excuse his house is not safe due to renovations. I use to visit her house then when reno's were happening and it was fine, not to mention the girl's are older now to know better. It's clear he doesn't want to spend time with his DD's. I get the feeling she was in a controlling relationship with him therefore he can go out 7nights a week if he choses to but she has not had a night to herself in a year since their split (but then i don't think she ever did anyway).

To be honest her twin DD's i personally think are a couple of terrors, very grumpy children for the time i have known them, not the sort of children you could just go up and cuddle, they absolutely trash anyone's home no matter what their Mother tells them ... she has done all she can and they really are out of control.

So to give you a picture she is screaming inside for a break from them.

The only person who she has to call on to babysit them is her Mother whom apparently is quite selfish in nature and won't help in that way.

I have noticed the past month her hands are shaking badly even though she smiles, but i got the feeling there is more to it. Then today she opened up and told me a bit more of herself that when she was heavily pregnant with the twins her partner split up with her just before she gave birth. The midwives treated her badly in which she feels cause they thought she was a young teenage single Mum (as she looked heaps younger than then 27years) and they knew the Father of the twins had split with her as even though the twins were 2years in planning at the end of the pregnancy he decided to drop a bomb shell that he wasn't ready to be a Father. In the meantime her Mother wasn't helping as she was fighting with her partner ... so my friend got so bad in hospital with the worry of her premature twins at 31weeks having to deal with everything on her own she ended up with anxiety so badly in the hospital she ended up on medication to help.

So in having said that i do believe now she still has terrible anxiety.

Well with that i told my DP tonight and he suggested and he INSISTED no matter how much of a nightmare her twins are she needs to get out for a night and enjoy herself and that he and i babysit her twins for a night, he couldn't do it on his own so i will need to help so therefore i can't be the one to got out with her (i couldn't expect him to look after them on his own as i'm her friend not so much him IYKWIM) ....

So this is where my question that i have to put to you lovely single Mums ... if you were in her position, and myself and my DP offered to babysit your kids what would be the best way for me to tell you ??
So i can persuade you on the offer and that you don't feel bad that it will be another friend you will go out with for the night whilst we babysit.

I want to tell her without her backing out of it or feeling guilty.

I was even thinking if i had the money to give her two movies tickets therefore forcing her to go out but i'd be concerned she would take her Mother instead. I have only met one of friends once, and i thought maybe i could mention her name to go with but i thought that might sound odd as i don't want to tell her what to do with her night.

So i would love to hear any thoughts or suggestions that you lovely ladies have, as i want this to be a night she can go out and finally enjoy some time to herself and simply have some fun.

TIA

[Butterfly Child]

First of all i just want to say how beautiful you are Smiles seriously its a pretty special and beautiful thing your doing.

Sounds like your friend really is doing it tough and it will do her the world of good to have this break it might make all the difference, maybe just say to her "We would love to watch the girls for the night etc, its hard to know what to say because i don't know her personally but maybe ensuring her how much u would love to watch them might make her feel at ease and guilty if you know what i mean.

XXX

[fionas]

Lovely thing you're doing lovely Lorelle! I'm trying to think of how I'd handle it and I'd probably do a "OMG don't know how you cope on your own" wow sort of thing and then do as BC said and say you'd love to watch the girls for the night and see if she takes you up on that or if she needs a bit more of a push.

[Butterfly Child]

Even if it was just during the day taking them for a few hours so she could do something to relax maybe that might be easier at their age..? say ohh we would to have the girls Miss C would love the company etc

[smiles4u]

Even if it was just during the day taking them for a few hours so she could do something to relax maybe that might be easier at their age..? say ohh we would to have the girls Miss C would love the company etc

... thanks heaps BC for the suggestion but i know this is gonna sound unbelievable but her twins would seriously be even too much of a hand full on my own to look after as they are physically violent with each other, like watching a couple of wild animals and they can take it out on my DD too so i know i would need DP there with me (she & i don't have a common friend i could call on to help either) ... and i secretly would love for her to met someone, not saying this is why i would love for her to go out but i thought it might give her something to think about if she was out having a nice night. I feel she needs some opposite attraction attention as her EX always made her feel unattractive (telling her she has a jelly belly in disgust, OMG she had two babies in there for shiat sake and she looks awesome so i think he is just a cruel human being and she needs to be reassured that she is attractive inside & out !!)

[kelebek]

ok so I am not single/divorced and don't have twins but certainly know how lonely and isolating it can be being stuck at home with a child and while I think a night out would be lovely I think baby steps is a better approach and she might be more likely to accept. So instead of a night out straight away (and I am assuming you would watch the girls all/most of the night) how about a day off or an afternoon/morning off cause it sounds like she probably has never had any time off from the kids and might be overwhelmed at the idea of a whole (or most of a night) off. Also if she is anything like me she might appreciate the peace of going to the movies by herself and maybe a coffee and magazine after to read in peace

You and your husband are wonderful for wanting to help her and I hope she let's you



ETA: all these posts popped up while I was posting but I will leave it out there anyway

[black_rose]

I think a day thing would be a good idea, so she can go get some pampering done at a day spa or something. Expecting her to go out on her own might be a bit much for her especially if she is a nervous kind of person.

[smiles4u]

i forgot to mention she doesn't drive which restricts her too.

I think you ladies have given me an idea ... how about DP & i offer to babysit her twin's on a Saturday during the day when there is public transport to get about (Sunday here is hopeless) that way she can chose to go on her own if she wanted ... and as Kel mentioned baby steps then the next time i could offer to babysit at night, OMG i don't know how i'm gonna offer a second time but i will do it if her twins kill me, LOL

Thank you so very much everyone for your help

[fionas]

Great idea! Sure she'd love just being able to tootle around the shops and have a coffee on her own (or with a friend). If you haven't been out for ages, it can sometimes be a bit daunting to think of where to go and who to go with.

[widdly]

you are so beautiful Lorelle and so i your DP

I think your idea of baby sitting on a Saturday is a wonderful one. I hope you can survive the twins okay. I used to sit for 2 year old twin boys of a single mum who were completely out of control animals, it would fray my nerves, but I did survive, my puppy almost didnt tho, they really were outta this planet (actually they still are animals at 10 years old, they never really stood a chance the poor boys, they have been kicked out of 2 schools already).

Hope your friend takes you up on the offer. I think you have a special way of making people feel at ease and comfortable with you so your friend will hopefully be happy with the offer

[kelebek]

if you try and put boundaries that exist at your house (within reason) they might respond as it is a different environment to what they are use to

We also live in a crappy rural area and no public transport (I also don't drive) so a saturday sound good cause you gotta know she was never going to meet Mr Perfect on the first night

[smiles4u]

if you try and put boundaries that exist at your house (within reason) they might respond as it is a different environment to what they are use to

We also live in a crappy rural area and no public transport (I also don't drive) so a saturday sound good cause you gotta know she was never going to meet Mr Perfect on the first night

.... i thought maybe what i could do is babysit her twins at her house, then that way they can destroy things in their own home ... and i could drive her where she wants to go and drop her off and pick her up if need be ... (and lucky me they are still in nappies, ah hope they hold out with a poo until she gets home as i have never changed a poo nappy on a 3.5year old let alone two of them )

[kelebek]

watching them in thier own home sounds like a plan (I am assuming DP will stay at home while you drop her off - or vice versa?!) maybe have a special book/game/toy/food bribe x2 hidden in your bag if they need thier nappies changed to help them stay distracted for long enough if the need arises.

would love to know how you go!

[smiles4u]

watching them in thier own home sounds like a plan (I am assuming DP will stay at home while you drop her off - or vice versa?!) maybe have a special book/game/toy/food bribe x2 hidden in your bag if they need thier nappies changed to help them stay distracted for long enough if the need arises.

would love to know how you go!

... thanks Kel, yeh thought DP & i could look after them together in your home as they seriously are out of control these kids, and yep will leave DP with the kids when i give her a lift or visa versa (don't wanna ask too much of the poor guy, still can't believe he suggested we MUST offer and soon !!) ... Don't know when it will be as our Saturdays are the worst days for us as that's when we as a family have heaps on but we will manage to squeeze it in no matter what for her sake ... Yeh will let you know when and how it goes, or better still if she takes us up on the offer

[kelebek]

well if you are going to drop her off and pick her up would it matter if there is no public transport - maybe Sunday is just as workable?

[Kazmar]

Is this the mummy I have met?

Hope it all works out for her

[Oscar&Grouch]

Smiles i just want to say coming from a single mumma here what you are offering is truely amazing. You are a wonderful lady and friend.
Coming from a single mums point of view, if someone offered me what you are offering this friend of yours i honestly would never be able to repay them.
The stresses from day to day living without a partner is hell itself- not to mention tiring.

Just for someone to offer to look after my kiddies whilst i went shopping would be a dream. I really think your friend will appreciate this.
I also think you should start just by looking after them for the day- evenings would be a little overwhelming i would assume- for both her, you and your DH.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

What a wonderful thing your doing, to get her confidence back maybe even suggest she go have a relaxing afternoon at the hairdressers or a massage followed by coffee with a friend?