Would you cross the line privacy/trust issues?

[diannescruffy]

Would you check your child's phone messages if you had cause for concern? DS15 and I have had a great talk and I hope and pray I am wrong but I believe either alcohol or drugs is happening. I asked him and he has said nothing like that is going on. He has agreed to come with me to our GP but if he is taking any of these and not admitting it how can he be helped?

Regards,
Dianne

[PumpkinZulu]

Huge Dianne, you are going through so much with your DS lately. Honestly, I think checking his phone is a breach of trust and privacy; from everything you've written about your son, underneath the issues he is having right now, he seems to be a balanced, respectful, nice boy. I would not want to jeopardize the trust he still has in you by doing this. If he is going to the gp with you, maybe you could get his urine tested instead to check for drugs. Aside from that, watching the signs of drug or alcohol use. I am glad he has agreed to see the gp with you, from all I have read he may well be depressed. So no real advice from me, but I think you are doing an amazing job, your DS is lucky to have such a concerned mum

[*Sparklez*]

i agree with pumpkinzulu, dianne you dont wanna break that trust and relationship you have with him already, if he is doing something behind your back and you are worried maybe talk to some of his close friends mums and see if they have noticed anything with their son or if their son has said anything.. The deal of trust and respect you have with your son is very rare these days and your so lucky that he can talk to you the way he does.. And if he is suffering from depression maybe that could push him over the line a tad and you dont want that.. I hope everything works out ok and that his isnt touching anything but if he is and you find out about it i wish nothing but big hugs and nothing but support.. goodluck hun

[Lulu]

Give him the facts jack. I actually think that's all you can do. If you need help with it...I wonder if there is some sort of parent help when it comes to this? Anyone know?

[Chocaholic]

You seem to have a great relationship with your son. I can only hope mine is as good when my two hit their teenage years.

My suggestion is simply ask him if he would mind you checking his phone. Explain why you want to and say it is simply to ease your mind as you don't want to lose the relationship you have now.

Keep everything open and above board otherwise you may risk losing his trust altogether.

[Tinks]

Give him the facts jack. I actually think that's all you can do. If you need help with it...I wonder if there is some sort of parent help when it comes to this? Anyone know?

There is Parentline

[LimeSlice]

Yes, I would....Wouldn't tell them about it though, and wouldn't confront them with anything I discovered.

[black_rose]

In our house I think it will be a given that all phones and computers would be monitored. Dh runs his own it business and he has already said that the girls will only have access if it's monitored, even though it's years away for us.

That said communication is important rather than just spying on them. Talking to your son would achieve more.

[diannescruffy]

I have talked to him but my instincts are telling me there is something more going on. I don't want the trust issue to be broken, at least I still have that for now. I'm not sure that our GP would order urine/blood tests if we are seeing him for depression.

Regards,
Dianne

[Kazbah]

I think that your relationship is good at the moment, and anything like this could topple it. The GP is likely to suggest counseling, or ADs - and it may be worth having a phone chat with your GP before the appointment to mention you're worried about drugs / alcohol - your GP would be able to ask him if is taking anything that would have an adverse reaction with the ADs if he's prescribed, IYKWIM? Counseling will also find out if he's abusing any substances and deal with it ...

It's not an easy road you're both on Dianne, but from what I see you're walking it hand in hand, and I'd hate to see that change.

[Inertia]

I think we do things much differently here. We insist on a very open situation with the kids with age appropriate issues. The premise behind this - which has been explained to the kids - is if you have to hide it from us, then it is obvious we wont approve and you know its wrong to do. Under this basis there is not really any privacy on communication devices. There is simply way too many ways they can be put at risk with communication with random parties unknown to us. Their mobile phones are privileges - the credit is a privilege. They have to accept and be accountable for anything they do with it that is not acceptable in this house.

In the end, we dont really go checking, but if they act in a manner that would prevent us should we then it is an admission of guilt by proxy. Under the structure of the house system they understand that concept, iykwim.