advice from other parents on benefits of having children close in age or not

[1pj]

I wasnt sure what to post this and hope it doesnt sound too strange,it took me 10 years to convince my DH to have a family and now DD is 18 months Im ready to try again but not mainly for me but for her,i would like her to have a sibling quite close and I feel weve left it a bit long already but DH wants to wait another say 4 months then try,he doesnt seem to hear my complaints of how long it could take and then how long your pregnant for i just really dont want a big gap like 3 years is max gap id like but I know not starting till she is nearly 2 it could even be a 4 year gap but also im trying to be patient and keep in mind that nothing against my Dh but because of his work and things I do have to do most of the looking after our DD so I know when the next one comes it will be the same so then in some ways i wonder if maybe it is better for me also but i cant get out of my head how i really dont want a huge gap for DD she loves other kids and i feel if we dont have one soon by time shes say 4 she be getting ready for off to school anyway!So what i was hoping to get(after all that raving)if i could ask goods and bads like if youve had your children close has this been good and if not has that been good?pros and cons of each maybe sorry sounds so daft!Thanks1

[Twin Sister]

I just posted on a similar thread. My son is just over 2.5 and we just had a baby. This age gap is perfect for us as DS is able to actually help me with the baby (fetch diapers and burp clothes, take diapers to trash, and he loves to rock her and sing to her in her baby chair) and since he can do a lot of things for himself (feed self, take self to potty, dress self) it made taking care of him in pregnancy (and now that we have two to look after) doable. If he had been any younger it would habve been a lot more work.

[Kazmar]

My girls are JUST under 2.5yrs apart

Forus it's the best! Not to far that the older one doesn't want to play with the younger, but not to close that the older is jealous of the younger for being 'the baby'

Each to their own, but it works for us

[Teeki]

Just thought I might provide the "child's" point of view (although I realise this will be different for each child). My brother is 2.5 years younger than me, and I think it's ideal. I can vaguely remember helping Mum out when we were younger, and we were close enough in age to be good friends. At school we were 2 years apart, which was good as we had some same friends, but also plenty of separate ones. I don't know if it's due to the age, but I can only a remember 2 or 3 fights I had with him growing up. We always had a great time together!

Good luck, hope you & DH can come to an agreement

[Tinks]

My eldest 2 are 18mths apart. While it was hard work when they were toddlers, I enjoy the age gap. They've always been really great mates and have had each other to play with all their lives. They do fight but they're 13 and 11 now and get along great most of the time.

My sister and I are 17mths apart and we always got along when we were young. When we were teenagers we hated each other but now we're best friends. We talk to each other on the phone every day etc. We used to have the same friends and even get asked if we're twins lol.

I really enjoy the small age gap both with my kids and my sister.

My youngest is 4 years yonger than my middle child and 5 yrs younger than the eldest. I really enjoyed that age gap more than the 18mth one. I had more time to spend with her as a baby than I did with the other 2. The older 2 doted on her, they used to try to help feed and change nappies. They loved playing with her. I find the 4 yr age gap a bit hard now that dd is 11 though. They both share a bedroom, DD1 is getting older and DD2 annoys her and doesn't understand that she can't do the things that DD1 is doing. That's my only issue with them atm though.

I suppose they all have their good and bad points.

[deletedit]

Another vote for 2.5 years as the ideal gap - my toddler absolutely LOVES the baby and tries to help with everything

I also have a 7 and 9.5 year gap here. 7 is so-so, you get moderate amounts of help from the bigger one while the small one is a baby, then a year or so of the big one using the little one as a toy, then constant arguments when the little one suddenly sprouts a strong will and doesn't want to be a toy anymore but wants to play with the big one's stuff instead. With the 9.5 year age gap the two of them might as well not be related, the big one shows almost no interest at all, and probably will never change - they're opposite genders too. But its early days yet, we'll see.

[rhyb]

My DS is 18 months older than my DDs. When the baby comes DS will be 2 months shy of 3 and DDs will be 16 months. I love the small age gaps cz even now my DDs are having their first of 2 naps for today while DS and I are reading a book. They all get time with me and they are all great friends and play together.

[~*Niadalla*~]

We have a 21 month gap here and it is FANTASTIC!!! I don't think I could have timed it better!!
DS was old enough to help me out with things (like getting mummy nappies), but young enough not to get jealous at all. No outbursts from him ever. No clinginess towards me because there was a new baby. My daughter just fit right into the family like she had always been here. Was VERY easy from day 1! It's a little harder now that I have a boy who's just turned 3 and a 15&1/2 month old who is the biggest risk taker ever, but they are such great friends and have been from day dot. We are so glad we had our kids close together.
I totally recommend a small age gap. Love it!

[misty]

There is a 22mth gap between each of mine.

Pro's:
- they play together.
- hand me down and sharing clothing / toys
- when they are all happy it can make life so much easier as they entertain themselves and even the baby is included in ther games.
- When we go somewhere and do something, they all like the same or similar things, so we can all do it together as a family without too much or any compaint from anyone.

Con's:
- It is really hard being pg and running afte one or more toddlers.
- when they are being grumpy / naughty / etc, it is so much harder - particularly as it often only takes one being a **** to get the others started, and when they all go at once it is
- sibling rivalry. Mine get along so well, but if I cuddle one, both of the others will get jealous - not exception.
- It make it soooo much harder to do anything, even just getting in the car can takle 15 mins.


I could go on and on with the con list; but the truth of it is I sould still keep the age gap the same if I had to do it all over again. The good things really are great. I am actually a bit sad that there is going to be a bigger gap this time round.

[ShootingStar]

DS and DD are 23 months apart. They are bestest of friends. They play so nicely together, look out and after each other. I really love it.
My 3rd will be about 2 1/2 years younger than DD. Was planning on the same age gab but had hurdles along the way (surgery) so it put it back a bit. In saying that, i am actually glad. DD is so much more independant now and i think i will be able to really enjoy my last baby.
I was 4 years younger than my brother and 8 years younger than my sister. To me this was too big of an age gap. I started getting close to my sister, then she moved out and got married. We still get along great but arent really that close. My brother when i was in my teens, was a bully to me, i think because he was so much older as well. So i much prefer the closer age gap.

[MantaRay]

My boys are 19 months apart. I found the first 6 - 12 months with two so young very difficult, but now that they are older it is much easier having them close in age. They are happy to play the same games, watch the same movies etc and they get along really well. Well they do fight, but it's short lived and then they're best of friends again. And very, very protective of each other. I love that they are close in age.

Interestingly my sister emailed me tonight. Her kids are 2 1/2 years apart and her baby is now 7 months. Her email said that she is now starting to see that I was right about it being hard at first with the close age gap, but gets easier as they get older.

Having said that, different things work well for different people. And sometimes things don't go to plan and that can work too!

[sasha]

S and T are 18 months apart, and the first year or so was HARD WORK. But really worth it after that. They play together and T can physically do a lot of what S can do, so they are able to do a lot of the same things. For a long while they were napping together too, which meant I could get stuff done during the day without any children, rather than having to juggle one.

The next one will be 2.5 years younger than T and 4 years younger than S, and I'm looking forward to that too. I guess it really depends on the child, as well. S is a fairly laid back kind of guy at home, and quite patient. I'm not sure T would have coped as well, had she been born first and we'd had S second. Saying that, I'm not sure how she's going to cope with the next one!

We wanted ours close in age because I was a lot younger than my siblings, and we've never really been close. But a friend has just had her second, and they're 4 years apart, and she loves the gap.

[Fleur]

My first two were just over 2.5 years apart, DS! & DS2 have a 4.5 year gap and 7 years between DS2 & DD2.

All age gaps have pros & cons IMO, it's really about what will work for you as a family. I agree with MantaRay, smaller gaps can be hard initially but will get easire as they get older. And I do love the gap I have now with Pie, all her older siblings dote on her, it's really sweet.

I had a sister with a 4.5 year gap and we played together quite a lot, as do my two boys, although the age thing does become an issue when the younger one becomes annoying

[TeniBear]

Another with a child's perspective, only in the opposite direction. My brothers and I are all four/five years apart (I was a month off being five when G was born, and G was four-and-two-months when B was born) and we're very close. I'm closer to G than I am to B, but that's more to do with personality than our age. I love being able to remember being an only child, just as much as I love to remember helping Mum with the new babies. I actually named G myself, because Mum and Dad couldn't decide on a name themselves, and I was there when he was born (not that my parents remember it the way I do!). I might even go so far as to say that if there hadn't been that much of a gap between us, I wouldn't want to be a mum so badly. I wouldn't have known how to change a nappy from such a young age, I wouldn't be so baby-centric... Or maybe I wouldn't exaggerate so much?

Being five years older than G lets me help him in ways I couldn't if we were closer in age - I could stick up for him and act the "scary big sister" when we were little, I can give him advice on being out in the "real" world now he's out of high school... I'm incredibly protective of them both, to a point I haven't seen in siblings that are close in age. My cousins' daughters are about my age - K is a year older than me and L two years younger - and K never had that protective feeling towards L. L was just the little annoying sister who hung around for no reason. It's only now they're older that they're close. G and myself have never had that problem.

ETA: Right now, the plan is to start TTC once each child starts kinder, giving them around a 4-5 year gap, but who knows if I might end up changing my mind? Do what you and DH think is right.

[deletedit]

the age thing does become an issue when the younger one becomes annoying

I have two 9 year old girls attempting to do 9yo girl things in DD#1's bedroom at the moment. The 2yo wants to go in there and play too. It took some serious effort and eventual dragging a tantrumming 2yo out by her feet so the bigguns could have some privacy lol

[feeb]

My boys are 18 months 4 days apart, it was hard at the start (DS1 did not start walking till 21 months so hard getting anywhere etc.
They r cute when they play together and DS1 gives DS2 hugs and kisses all the time.

I think all kids and all parents are different and there is not a right time I have friends with 12 months gaps up to others with 10 year gap.

[maz]

My first 2 are 18 months apart....I absolutely loved the age difference yet they werent close as toddlers due to W having autism.

w was almost 5 when we had DD and as much as I loved the age gap there, I found kinder and school drop offs/pick ups hard. I was also going through a very difficult stage with W at the time which made havinga baby very hard.

My youngest 2 are 16 months apart....and im seeing the benefits of them growing up now as they ahve time apart from each other due to kinder as a positive.