How do I teach him about friends? And what do I say

[tan32]

My DS is about to turn 7 .
He has now had several incidents with a boy from school. last year they were in the same class together and had the same little group of friends.
This boy however told my son to do some bad behavior like wee on the toilet floors and he also told him to lick the toilets. Both of these things my son did.
Now I know my son should have said no and walked away but for some reason he didn't. He cant explain why.
Any way this year they are not in the same class and it appears my son has little to do with him in the playground . In fact my DS struggles to make and keep friends.
Then last week we had a catch up with a group of Mum;s who have become friends through the school. The kids were all playing nicely until my DS came running up to me screaming.
From what my DS and my older DD who is 11 have told me. The same boy was playing with an electric bbq in the park and he and another boy turned it on... This boy then called my DS over and told him to touch the bbq it isn't hot. Well my DS did and it was hot . My DS received 2nd degree burns to his hand and wrist and we spent the rest of the afternoon in hospital.
How do I teach my DS not to listen to this kid and do I approach his mother about his behavior.She is a friend , although not a close one. My poor DS is very confused and says friends shouldn't hurt each other.
I'm not sure why he just follows, he does have Aspergers and I am not sure if this is part of it or if he is just one of those kids who follow what others tell him.
I am worried that even though this was very serious , next time may be worse again.

[angelaartsstudent]

YES! Talk to the mother! That type of behaviour is not on. That child is essentially asking your son to do things while all the time knowing that harm will come to him. That is bully behaviour. And rather weird, if you ask me. If it isn't addressed, I can't even imagine what type of damage he will do to other children, or yours!.

This is not your son's fault. He's just doing what he's told. Poor boy.

I am sorry I don't have any other advice.

[~me~]

My poor DS is very confused and says friends shouldn't hurt each other.

That is really sad to read Tan. My DS is the same age as yours.

Can you make him understand the statement he made? As in, "that's right, friends don't hurt each, that means he is not your friend".

It is such a worry that the boy who he thinks is his friend sounds like a kid who needs to take advantage of kids who may not understand, to make himself stand out from the crowd. How do you get into the headspace of why this other kid is doing these things???

Perhaps talk his teacher and let them know what has been going on. Mention it to the boys Mother as well. She needs to be made aware.
Hope everything works out ok

[mrsmac]

Sue Larkey has some great books on social skills for spectrum kids. I have been doing some of the activities with my whole class and talking in detail about what makes a good friend and how friends treat each other. Social skills do not come naturally to many kids and they need to be explicitly taught. As I said in the other thread I think this other boy has more urgent problems than your DS does!

[deletedit]

Now I know my son should have said no and walked away but for some reason he didn't. He cant explain why.

I have one of those. She had a phase of playing with a not-so-good kid and he'd get her to do all sorts of stupid stuff and she'd say "D made me do it" when I queried why the hell she'd do that. Fortunately she has no opportunity to play with him now but she still occasionally just does something someone else tells her to do, and can't explain why. She's odd, sometimes she can be very bossy and things have to go her way Or Else and she'll argue until she's blue in the face about something but at other times she'll just passively do what someone else (never me) says.

She has, however, got a LOT better lately in a lot of areas. She's almost 10 now and she was like yours at 7, so there's hope

[Lulu]

I've been thinking about this on and off all day Tan. I wish I had an answer for you - the best I could come up with is this -

Aspies can be very black and white. They find it hard to pick up on the subtleties of language. They cannot pick up sarcasm etc, although is totally different to my DS, there are similaries.

eg - if someone teased DS by saying something like "my dad is better than your dad" because he takes it so literally. He just goes nuts at the thought anyone would say something like that . It's sorta not funny when he goes off though. Beserk

Are you working with any professionals at the moment? I have (well ds has) a wonderful psychologist and since meeting her I have learnt so much more about my son, and feel really supported. They can work with helping them with this kind of thing - non-verbal cues and whatnot.

xoxoxo


xoxoxo

[tan32]

We have meet with a great psychologist who happens to have adult children on the spectrum, so she is great. Sadly our next appointment isn't until the new year, however I think I may ring and see if they can squeeze us in somewhere.

Although the latest incident was in the school holidays I am thinking of talking to his teacher about it when we get back to school.
Just so they can alert the staff to keep a bit of an extra lookout in play times.

[angelaartsstudent]

I would suggest going straight to the primary school/prep school principal. Having worked in a primary school I can say with great confidence that teacher's - no matter how good they are - are thinking about so much at once that they probably won't remember all the details. A meeting with the principal will result in notes taken and it being brought up at the staff meeting. I don't mean to offend any teachers at all!

[mrsmac]

Does he get a teacher's aide at school Tan ? My ASD boy (in my class) was having playground problems so I used some of his aide time to have someone shadow him in the playground to stop things like that happening- or with him stop children annoying him til he punched them.
Please do not go straight to the principal, it makes it look like you are not happy with the teacher, trust me we do remember important stuff! Even if you ask for a meeting with his teacher, the principal and the school counsellor all together.