I was attatched to what seemed a billion machines that went beep, with a nurse sitting by my bed so I couldn't even fart in private.
You hadn't moved for more than 12 hours & I refused all doppler exams or palpations of my abdo. The psych came but I still refused. I just didn't want to know that you were dead.
My friends filled my room & gave me a bedside blessingway & pasted up on the walls all of these gorgeous messages & all of them are in a treasure box I will cherish forever.
Annie sat with me & we cried, laughed & cried together. The pain was excruciating & sometimes I passed out with it. My central line crapped itself and needed to be replaced. My clotting levels were so scary that I was given product. A chaplain came.
My husband didn't - it was too far to drive...
The next day Kirsten arrived happy on the outside but I know her well enough to see her trepidation. She was the only one who could with authority say I wasn't a nutter I just thought she was dead & there was no point in knowing until the c/section.
Kirsten did the ctg & when I heard your heartbeat I was so shocked I shrieked. I couldn't believe it.
The surgery was taking way too long & despite Kirstens Dr face I could see her worry - her hand squeezed mine & they diverted my attention to the Jacaranda tree outside the window & the beautiful purple flowers. I imagined a meditation I know & watched them, counted them falling... I focused on the candles I knew were burnig from wonderful BB members, other friends, he circle at school. I knew we had positive Energy on our side. The midwife had tears in her eyes & the anesthetist joked about my hippy music... He nervously asked if John wanted the GA right about now... I yelled NO! Then I said YES! I didn't want to know you'd died, oryour heart had failed. I tried to stay present & fought with wanting to run. Sylvana was waiting outside the door & I could hear her saying: "it's taking too long"...
Too much knowledge is a great curse at times...
You were born after a very long time - too tiny for me to even see. John said as he lifted you from my body: "she's making noises - can you hear her mate? she's alive! "she's much smaller than we thought - let's move fast guys'...
I cried so much my body writhed so violently that he had to sedate me some to complete the surgery. I bled a lot but all I cared about was my little person on that table. They kept shouting reports that she was doing well - she was cute - she had a cute nose - she went to NICU & I don't think there has been a time in my life that I felt so happy.
The day nearly 4 months later when I carried you up the front stairs & sat on the couch with you at my chest I felt like I had run a marathon that I would never recover from. I have never really understood love until I became a mother.
I never really understood loss until I became a mother.
I never really understood what blessings I have in my life until you were born to me Imogen Gail. I love you with such a deep unmoving devotion.
I believe without you I would not have made it through these past 3 years. You have given me more strenth, happiness, love, pleasure than you could ever begin to know.
Thankyou! I saw your face in the clouds - literally in January 2007 I knew you were coming. What I didn't know is what you would teach me & how beautiful you would be.
Happy 3rd birthday tomorrow gorgeous. xxx
Last edited by Inanna; October 13th, 2010 at 10:01 PM.
Awwwwww Deb, will not even attempt to match your beautiful words to your precious daughter. I remember welll when she was born, she has beyond doubt proven how special she is - I believe too that she is a great gift to you and the world - happy birthday sweetheart Imogen, what a lucky girl you are to have a mum such as yours. All my love to you both, Lee xo
I remember the day she was born and I was so worried for the two of you But you've had an amazing adventure together and she has come such a long way. Happy Birthday for tomorrow sweet girl xoxo.
Happy birthday gorgeous Immy. I remember you feeding me yoghurt and because I wasn't eating fast enough for you, you were shoving it up my nose. You are a cheeky monkey and I am soooo pleased you stuck around. Huge kisses to you tomorrow on your 3rd birthday.
Three years ago I vividly remember the fear I felt for YOU!! I understood how sick you were and the risks you were facing waiting to deliver that hard fought for, much loved little person. I remember telling Greg how worried I was and his lack of reassuring words highlighted your tenuous position. I remember lighting the candle and just waiting to hear. I remember the first photo I saw of you holding Immy
Time flies when your journey has such significance Happy birthday Immy and happy birthing day Deb. Wishing you a lifetime of love and happiness xxxx
I remember as well and rubbed my tummy that was growing my own miracle.
im bawling now...life has so many twists and turns, sometimes more downs then ups....then these gorgeous little people come into our lives and show us love we never knew exsisted.
Happy birthday Immy honey...your a true blessing to your beautiful mama. If your anyhting like her, your going to grow into one hell of a powerful, loving woman.
Happy birthing day Deb..happiness comes in differnet colours my gorgeous friend
Happy Birthday Miss Imogen!
3 years already is just incredible!
What a beautiful Mummy you have & you are both so lucky to have each other.
With much love,
Jayne
I was one of those who had my candle lit for you Inanna, I had only recently joined BB and to find one of the women who reached out to me when I was lost and hurting, to be in such a situation, my heart went out to you along with all the positive vibes I could muster.
Happy Birthday Imogen, we have not and probably never will never meet, your life is surrounded by so many positive lights and thoughts, you are one special little girl.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful girls life experience with us Inanna.
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This time 3 years ago...
But you've had an amazing adventure together and she has come such a long way. Happy Birthday for tomorrow sweet girl xoxo.
and happy birthing day Deb. Wishing you a lifetime of love and happiness xxxx
and rubbed my tummy that was growing my own miracle.
im bawling now...life has so many twists and turns, sometimes more downs then ups....then these gorgeous little people come into our lives and show us love we never knew exsisted.
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