Daddy issues

[ss_storm]

DF has been away a fair bit lately, working. He has only been home at night for a few nights out of the last couple of weeks and not home at all during the day. If he is home during the day then he's in the office working so doesn't get to see DD much and doesn't really play with her.

Now, if he even tries to touch her she squirms, starts whinging and tries to push him away. She cries if he picks her up and just wants to come back to me. I don't know what to do, he tells me oh she hates me, which I know is not true! He just doesn't spend the time with her...she is all I have 24/7 and we don't have family close by either so from her POV I can understand why she is so clingy to me. We do go to playgroup and occasionally visit a couple of friends with young kids but she is the same there and bursts into tears if one of the other kids touches her.
It's probably just another phase, but I do feel bad for DF when she rejects him like that. He hasn't had much time to spend with us lately, but when he does it would be nice if she let him! Any suggestions? Apart from spending more time with her and doing fun things..I've tried to tell him that but I don't think it has sunk in

[Anise3]

My DH works away from home a week at a time in the mines. He used to work away 2 weeks at a time.

DD is close in age to your DD and I had the exact same problem, from the age of 4 months to about 11 months she would be cranky whenever he was home and would scream if he tried to touch her, wouldn't let him feed her or change her and if I left her in the room with him for even a second she'd go mental. It was heartbreaking and he used to tell me he thought she hated him as well.

What I did was got a good picture of DH and I used to show her and talk to her about Daddy being at work and what he might be doing, I used to play a video clip of DH and her playing (before she started that stage) for her every day and she used to watch it, very interested. I kept the photo in a photo frame on the TV unit in the loungeroom and ask her where Daddy was and eventually she'd start pointing to the photo. When DH came home rather than just straight away trying to play with her and getting her upset... we got some bubbles and he sat in the loungeroom away from her and would blow bubbles, she was so interested she'd go over to him and try to play with the bubbles and thought it was great fun. I had to make sure I didn't join in or have anything to do with bubble time, it was (and still is) the special game she LOVES that only Daddy does.

It took a couple of months but she is now fine with him. She still won't let him put her to sleep at night but that's the only thing.

That's been my experience with it, hope that helps! It's such a hard thing to witness

[~Hestia~]

Hey, just wanted to say you're not alone! My DH works shift work and can go 3 days without seeing Moo. When they finally get to spend time together, Moo pushes DH away and runs to me crying hysterically. It hurts DH's feelings but I don't know what the solution is. As you say, from their POV they're just used to their mummies!

[angelaartsstudent]

We get that here except it is me that P 'rejects'. She sees more of her Dad than of me, so I guess it's only natural that they gravitate towards one and not the other.

It hurts a lot, but I know she's not doing it to spit me, and the special little moments and cuddles make up for it!

[ss_storm]

thanks for your replies. I like the sound of the bubble idea! It just seems that he gives up though..I know it must be tough having to deal with her bursting into tears everytime he touches her, but I think it's something he needs to persevere with and make the time to spend quality time with her, rather than a couple of minutes here and there. I just don't know how I can get through to him...seems like it is a vicious cycle, he doesn't seem to want to spend time with her because she kicks up a fuss, but then not spending time with her is only going to make it worse
CM- at least DD can't run/walk away from him yet

[Anise3]

thanks for your replies. I like the sound of the bubble idea! It just seems that he gives up though..I know it must be tough having to deal with her bursting into tears everytime he touches her, but I think it's something he needs to persevere with and make the time to spend quality time with her, rather than a couple of minutes here and there. I just don't know how I can get through to him...seems like it is a vicious cycle, he doesn't seem to want to spend time with her because she kicks up a fuss, but then not spending time with her is only going to make it worse
CM- at least DD can't run/walk away from him yet

He does need to... DH use to get frustrated too and throw his hands up in defeat but at the end of the day he either needs to wait it out until she's old enough to remember and know he's her Daddy, or he needs to capture her attention somehow in a positive way for her to see him as someone that can be "fun" (which is where our bubbles came from). With DD it became a habit to cry when he spoke to her or came near her, and it was just a matter of distracting her from that habit and creating a new, happy association.

I found though I really had to work at it myself to... by showing her his face everyday and her hearing his voice on tape or on speakerphone when he'd call from work, which made it just that bit easier when he would fly home because she had "seen" and "heard" him whilst he was away.

The other thing I would suggest which is really really really hard to do, is that when DH would pick her up and she screamed, I had to stop taking her off him straight away to make her stop. It was only drumming it into her that if she cried she got Mummy back... so i'd wait for her to calm down a little, then DH would put her down, then after a minute I would then pick her up.

[Jennifer13]

My DD is four and a half and I'm still her favourite... most of the time. LOL There are occasions when she seeks out Daddy's more sympathetic input when Mummy isn't giving her what she needs. Not that it works, but hey, it's worth a try!

We implemented Daddy-daughter time together alone, which isn't happening enough at the moment. That way there is some time when he's with her on his own and he gets to feel a bit special. He's also taken her places she hasn't been with me before, so she gets an extra kick out of it. I enjoy some time to myself too! I'm also careful not to step in when he's playing with her or dealing with something, so as not to undermine him or interfere in the way he does things with her. His way is different to mine, but that doesn't make it wrong.

Daddy doesn't mind so much when it's me she wants every time she's sick (especially during the night) or wants night time cuddles in bed (they tend to take up more room when they're bigger). LOL When she was a baby, he was very lucky - she was a bfing baby and settled easily so he never had to get up, except for once when I came down with mastitis (and even then my sister was there to help feed her and he went back to bed). So there's pros and cons.

[Janie71]

We have been through this stage too, thankfully we are now out the other end. It really is a matter of perseverance as hard as it is. I know how upsetting this has been for my DH. I really like the bubbles idea that someone has mentioned and wish I had thought of that when We were going through it! What worked for us was when DH was able to he would take DD out on his own, whether it was for a walk or to the shops or to the park. Anything that gave him an opportunity to spend some time with her without the distraction of mummy around.

I am pleased to say that over the last couple of months we have no longer had this problem. DD gets very excited about DH getting home and having her play time with him. She constantly talks about DH throughout the day and asks to speak to him on the phone a number of times through the day.

There are still times that she prefers to have me, but that is because I am her primary carer, but she is now so close to her Daddy and I can tell how happy that makes my DH.

Good luck!
Janie xxx

[onthefly]

DS was like this for a while. I think they do go through stages, regardless of your family situation. DH was a stay at home parent from 2-7 months and has always spent a fair bit of time with DS when he is home.
For about 6 months, maybe starting at a similar age, DS would only have mummy. He too would scream at daddy to go away. Then things changed again. It's more balanced now, but daddy has to do bedtimes and sometimes it's me that gets screamed up.