First boyfriend.....advice!?

[beckoes]

So im not the parent of the teen in question, she is my sister, 13 years my junior. She lives in the UK so its hard to keep the relationship close but she tells me more than she tells my mum most the time. She is 14, looks about 19 like most of them do! And she has just started 'going out' with a boy, her first proper relationship, he is 16, two years above her at school.
She is pretty cluless to boys and everything that comes with having a boy friend....especially an older one! Im so worried about her having sex with him, she keeps saying, ''hes not like that, he says im too special and he doesnt want to rush things'' im my head the little voice is screaming 'HES A 16 YEAR OLD BOY, OF COURSE HE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU' but im trying to be the cool understanding big sister so she doesnt stop telling me stuff, i feel like as she isnt telling our mum then atleast someone needs to know what she is up to.
I have told her to tell mum, and she says she will, in a day or so.
she is just starting to rebel a little now, she went to a few underaged clubs, drinking before hand, and this is where she met this boy, she didnt tell mum, but told me, putting me in an awkward possition!

As you can tell i am totally out of my depth with dealing with a teenager, even though ithat was me only 10 or so years ago, i just love her and want to help her and give her the right advice! SOMEONE PLEASE....give me some advice!

[willow5]

I haven't got long to post right now, but I can see this is a tough situation to be in! One of those where you know your mum should know but if you break your sisters confidence she won't tell you anything ever again, and someone needs to know what she's doing. Well I think at this stage you should probably trust her to tell your mum like she says she's going to and re asses if she doesn't tell her soon. Make sure she is completely educated on sex and ALL things associated, contraception, and how one method is NOT enough, STDs (or STIs as they call them now) she might say she knows but tell her again!! If you put across your not being happy about the situation she'll only want to do see him even more!
Hope that's a start, I'll drop in later to see how it's all going. I'm sure there will be lots of others with advice too, what works for one won't always work for another so it'll be good for you to have lots of different perspectives

[*Sparklez*]

i agree, its not like how it used to be.. there is soooo much more to teens n boys these das and i think u have been put in an awkward position but its good ur sis trusts u enough to tell u.. maybe say to her that she is sooo far away and if anything happens u cant get to her as quickly as what mum can... i watched a doco the other week about the teens in the uk withthe under age clubs and alcohol etc.. i was pretty shocked i know i got upto stuff but wow i was suprised to see how much further they go these days to be in the "IN" crowds.. i think u have every right to be concerned cause she is at the young and impressionable stage.. and boys these days only want one thing but some are genuinely nice boys hard to tell the real from the fake though.. wish i could offer some real advise but i have no idea bout teens neither GL hun hope u sort something out soon xox

[turtleschell]

Tell her "I know you say you won't have sex with him, but I just want you to think about what would happen if you did have sex, and then he broke up with you the next day, or told all his friends all about it. Or what if you got pregnant? Imagine how upset everyone would be. Also, be careful about anything that could lead to sex, sometimes you think you are just having fun and then you may feel unable to say No, and things may go a lot further than you planned, and you won't really realise until after, and it may make you feel tricked. Just think about these things, and make sure when you go out on dates that you actually go out to a public place, rather than just sitting in his car or whatever, just to take that pressure off.'
These are the kinds of things I wish I'd been told when I was a kid... Hope that helps.. Don't be afraid to just bombard her with advice, as long as you say it in a sisterly way, not a judgmental/patronising way, it may sink in just a tiny bit more.
I have a 16yo cousin and she now asks me for advice before every date etc, she finally listens to me, so I think it may help? Good Luck!!

[willow5]

Don't be afraid to just bombard her with advice, as long as you say it in a sisterly way, not a judgmental/patronising way, it may sink in just a tiny bit more.

Definitely agree with that, not being patronising and judgemental! You want her on the friend/sister level or she won't listen at all.

[beckoes]

thanks for the advice ladies, i spoke to her again lastnight to 'get the gossip' she was excited to tell me about him, also told me that mum has made it clear that if she started dating this guy then she would get all over protective and stop her from seeing him as much, so i really think my mum has shot herself in the foot. my sis says she doesnt want to tell her becasue she cant be bothered with all the hastle it will casue and she doesnt want mum to stop her seeing him.

I have talked a little about sex with her, she has a few really good books aimed at teens explaining all about sex and my mum was always quite open about it all, but i remember what its like as a kid....although i wasnt doing the stuff she is doing at 14 till i was 16/17. but maybe i should just talk about it a bit more. i think she does listen to me a bit, but i want to give her the right advice. Turtleschell: i might steel some of those pointers!! thanks

Maybe im just being too cynical but i know at some point im going to have her on the phone sooner or later crying! asking why i didnt warn about this happening! i know its all part of growing up, but it still upsets me!!!!

[turtleschell]

You could even tell her about your own past mistakes (or invent some stories) like "oh this one guy convinced me to do this and this with him and he just made me feel like I was really immature if I didn't, so I just ended up doing it, then he dumped me the next day for this girl in the grade above him. I felt so stupid and embarrassed about the whole thing, and then all his friends started calling me a ****."
That's a bit dramatic, but you get what I mean. If you talk about these real experiences it will just sink in more.

[~clover~]

I think just tell her to be prepared, JIC. You can't stop her doing what she wants, even if you are there with her iykwim.

My 17 year old SIL tells me alot. She's pretty open with her mum, but anything she doesn't tell her, she tells me. Like when she lost her virginity at 15 to a one nighter!!!!! I was stunned, but I had to remind myself that she was not me, I couldn't control her & that at least she was telling me!
I've made it clear that she can tell me anything she wants, but if I'm ever worried about her, I'll tell her mum.
Obviously I can't tell DH any of this... lol.

Just let her know you are there if it all falls apart.

[beckoes]

turtleschell, i have done that, i think it works to a degree, but i think all she hears is that i used to do the things she wants to do and im ok, rather than the 'learn from my mistakes' view i was trying to give.

Clover, you are 100% right, i cant tell her what to do or stop her doing what she is going to do. just hoping to help her avoid anything to terrible! and she will always be my baby sister...what am i going to be like when its DD going out with boys......aghrrr