She's ruining my perfect little boy ! Please help, I don't know what to do!

[Daytona's Mummy]

Ok, well I'm finally needing advice about my perfect DS who holds a halo over his head!
He's never really had a GF in the past cause he's always lived by the rule he'd rather have them as friends then go out with them then they break up & then not even have them as friends. So has basically always had HEAPS of girls hanging around him but never actually had one as a 'GF'.
Now he's met this girl at our friends wedding (her little sister) and they hit it off straight away! DH's friend (her BIL) joked to DH saying some not so nice sexual things (in a way that my DS would benifit from IYKWIM) about this girl basically giving us the impression she's not the nice sweet little girl we thought she was.
At first we took it as a grain of salt and ignored him but have since been warned by others about her giving us the impression she had a pretty bad (sexual) reputation.

Now, DS's best friend is a girl and well, you'd think she lives here (or him there) with how often they are together. They are honestly like brother & sister & do everything together, & tell each other everything. Well, she came to me the other day & told me about a text that Jacob's (DS) GF had sent him asking for him to have sex with her on the weekend. She also told me that his GF had also told him about a heap of sexual experiences she had had with other girls. He's since asked for her to sleep over & to tell her mum they will be in seperate beds/rooms (which they would be) (because we have no problem with his best friend cas sharing a bed, we know nothing will ever happen between them but this girl is a different story)

I am really worried! I've been trying to drum into DS that they are both under age (he is 14 & she 15) and all the usual things you say. I've also told him he will get a bad reputation and then when a really nice girl comes along, she wont want him cause her family & friends will warn her against him IYKWIM? But he seems to think that "boys dont get bad reputations mum, only girls do" WTF???
I even tried the whole "how would you feel if you got her pregnant and her mum made her have an abortion? You know you would be devistated if you lost your 1st baby like that" his reply? "No, I know you wouldn't let her mum do that, she would live here and you would help with the baby mum"
Can you see my predicament? he has the body of a over 6foot well built man & the mentality of the 14 yo that he is! They have only been "going out" for about a week and it's taken her that split second to turn my perfectly good little boy into this secrative hormone raviged beast!
I don't think I can really say anything to her mum cause she is a drug & alcahol abuser. Always very scattered in a way that your never quite sure if she is actually 'on something' at the time or just the long term effects of being a user. This ofcause is another concern of mine, I don't know if this girl is venturing down the drug path, I don't want my son to go there (she has been smoking cigarettes since she was 12yo!)
I want my baby boy back! I don't know what to do!

[Trillian]

You poor thing its the one part of having a teenager I'm not looking forward to. Can you kinda nurture the relationship - have her around and maybe even try to talk to her about these things because it sounds like she doesn't have the best role model for that in her Mum? At least that way she is in your home and you can keep a watch over what goes on, otherwise you know they will just sneak behind you back and do it which is far worse. If they are at your place you can have a little control over things kwim? And maybe explain to your boy that you wont support a pg teen girlfriend at this age and ask him all the things like how will he pay for a baby etc. Poor kid is probably totally smitten by her and isn't going to be open to anything like that and will more than likely take everything you say as a criticism of her and get defensive but you can at least try. Good luck

[Jennifer13]

Pg is not necessarily the worst of it too, imagine catching an STD at his young age and forever having his sex life ruined. I'd be talking to him about safe sex. Making your standards clear might help, sex is not a game, it's something you do with someone when you are mature and when you are intimate on many levels (we can hope ). He might think that it's as easy as a baby living with you, but obviously there's a lot more to it than that and I'm sure you've explained that to him. They sure don't stay babies for long - and it doesn't sound like her family would be the family you want to be tied to for the next 18 years!

[luna moth]

If he wants to do it, then trying to stop him is probably not the answer. Filling his bedroom with condoms is going to be the way to go. I agree with Jennifer that you should nurture the relationship. Don't fight it, no matter what you've heard about her, or what you think. Support it - always offer for them to stay at yours, so that if they're doing it, you know it's nearby. And really really stress to him to make it safe.

[PumpkinZulu]

I would try to talk to him more. I feel for you. But, I do not think he can have changed all that much in a week. The mentality he has must have already been there, I mean, he's a 14 year old boy...those hormones and those urges were there before last week, kwim? It's just that now he has this girl, who seems to be opening him up to the possibility of sex etc, making it real for him. I would honestly do as Trill and Jenifer have suggested, just make sure you really let him know the reality of it all. 14 is very young to be having sex for the first time, and from his mentality (you helping look after a baby) he has shown he just isn't ready. Are you close with his bestie? Maybe you could ask her to have a chat to him, to help him realise there is plenty of time for all of that. My brother was the same, my mum and I worried about him getting a girl pregnant for years but thankfully it never happened. He sounds like a really good kid, just becoming a terrible teen lol

[Daytona's Mummy]

Thanks Guys, Jennifer, I pretty much said everything you mentioned, just in my post I was trying to not make it too long so just said "and all the usual things you say" I definately don't want him to have THAT for a MIL!
Trillian, I was thinking on going that way about it but didn't want them to think I was ok with any of it.... Maybe it is the best way to deal with it though. I have pregnancy induced insomnia anyway, I might sit up all night on guard!
Yeah he does think that I'm just criticising her so I have been trying to select my wording very carefully with him. And thats just the thing, he knows my veiw on abortion and would rather struggle financially to support them & unfortunately suffer the humiliation from spiteful people rather then an abortion. He's also thrown in my face that I was only 16 when I fell preg with him (17 when he was born) but I told him there is actually a BIG difference 2 years can make and besides his father was 24yo, NOT 14! WITH a job! He just has an answer for everything and to HIM his answers are logical... I thought of talking to his father about it all (not my DH) but I know he will go over board and my DS will NEVER get married or have kids even when the time is right with the right person YKWIM? And as for DH, well... he just said he was younger than that when he had his 1st time! & that he is a smart boy, he wont do anything stupid. So no help there! I think I should be making sure he knows how to put a condom on! (My DH can't even do it right!) OH DEAR!.... I'm definately not ready for this!

[Rivlas]

What does your DH say?
Get him to talk to him 'man to man' and explain some of the diseases and reputations he could get sleeping around. the rumor mill can do alot of damage if someone wants revenge If she or to just cause trouble.
If people are warning you about her it must be pretty well known what sort of girl she is. Does he know about her reputation, if so, what are his thoughts about being associated with someone like this.

It is hard having teenagers and coming out the other side sane.

Ask him if when he marries does he want someone who has a reputation of sleeping around. If not, then he knows what his actions should be. You cannot sleep around then expect to find someone who hasn't....double standard in my books.

All the best dealing with this. xxx

[HotI]

He's since asked for her to sleep over & to tell her mum they will be in seperate beds/rooms (which they would be) (because we have no problem with his best friend cas sharing a bed, we know nothing will ever happen between them but this girl is a different story)

I think there is a difference in letting your son's best mate stay over and letting your son's girlfriend stay over. Maybe i'm a prude but for me the second wouldn't be ok. I also wouldn't have teenage boys and girls sharing a bed even if they are just mates.

I know sex doesn't always happen at night or in a bed, but starting with setting your own house rules (now he has a girlfriend) might be a good way of working through the issues.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I agree with Rivlas, has your DH sat down with him and had a 'man to man' talk. I think its really important that your DS is doing it because he wants to and his GF isn't filling his head and making him think he wants something that he doesn't. It sounds to me that his GF hasn't been well educated about having sex, its sad to hear that a 15 yo girl has such a bad reputation.

This situation reminds me of my brother, he went and stayed with his dad and met a girl a year older than him who came across as being a sweet girl but she was really not at all. She played him, made my brother sleep with her and then dumped him the next day breaking his heart. Sometimes it can be just a game and i really don't trust this girl even though i dont know her, a week is too soon to be thinking of sex.

[*Efjay*]

tell him you were told by her big sister that she has crabs LOL and that he really doesn't want to go there..

[~Lashes~]

i hope your son is smart as your dh thinks, this girl sounds like she might go on to the next guy once she gets what she wants. i hope for your sons sake he dosent get traped into anything or his heart broken by her. i wouldnt be letting her stay over, but like kate said, it dosent always happen at night or in a bed, especialy when your young just make sure he knows whatthe risks are. and that by doing it, could turn into one of the biggest mistakes of his life, he should never think that wont happen to me, as thats the thinking that usualy get you into trouble, iykwim.

[Lulu]

There is no way on this earth I would allow any child of that age to have their GF/BF stay over. By all means don't fight the relationship but if you don't want them having sex, don't encourage it.

[angelaartsstudent]

I wouldn't trust most 15 year old girls as far as I could throw them...I remember what they are like! I don't think you and DS can trust that she will use contraception...will Drs even give a girl under 16 the pill? Not sure. I agree with the condom thing...he will have to be the one to take responsibility into contraception. Most teens - no matter how good or bad - will generally go ahead and do something once they have their mind set on it.

Not sure what to suggest to help...my family is full of girls!

Maybe if you totally open up to the real life facts of sex...sure it can be nice, but it can also be sore, messy, emotional and a responsibilty...and be really blunt about all the birds and bees and contraception use, maybe it will turn him off a little? Any way to find out what they have done together so far? I know that is a little personal but it might gague how likely they are to go ahead and DTD.

[Daytona's Mummy]

Thanks for all of the advice & opinions, My thoughts were heading down a similar path. DH & I sat down with him last night and had a really good chat. I have a feeling it may have fell on deff ears but atleast we made it clear what our view point on the matter was & also set new ground rules. I still don't trust her though & will watch her like a hawke... DH & I will accept her as his GF & make her feel welcome but we certainly wont encourage it. (in other words, not invite her to things or offer DS to invite her ect If he does that on his own then thats his choice) I really hope this is short lived & DH is trying even harder now to get a job in the mines so we can move as far away from here as possible! Ofcause I know we can't just up & move when ever he gets a GF we don't like but this has already been our goal for a while now only now we have something to encourage us to try that little bit more. If that makes any sense at all???
Thanks again guys!

[Trillian]

Yeah it does make sense I think the hardest part is that here is a 14yo boy who is full of raging hormones and more than likely thinking about sex and girls constantly - not that he would probably know a great deal about it - and to cap it off he has an older girl txt him and tell him openly that she wants to have sex with him and is specific enough to give him an actual date for it LOL. So that might be what is driving the relationship as opposed to him really liking her ITMS. I hope your talk with him worked and he might reconsider some of the choices he was going to make

[Jennifer13]

I remember being a 14 year old girl and thinking about nothing but sex and naked men! Hopefully the talk you had and the boundaries you're setting in place means that he keeps those hormones under control for a little while yet.