How do parents manage a balance between work, home and raising their children?

[Caramello]

So I've been trying different things this week to see how I can manage my time with my little son, so that I can start to get ready for work next year.

I'd noticed I'd slipped into a pattern of staying up late to get things done, and sleeping in with my DS. It also concerned me that I seemed to be slipping into depression - DH has had a health scare and it all hit on Tuesday when I couldn't motivate myself to do anything. Because of this health scare it is just enough atm for DH to get to work, go to treatment and give DS a bath at night time. Obviously if I am sleeping all the time nothing can get done - and there are some fairly major things that need doing (organising childcare for next year is one example).

So on Wednesday I decided to stay up from the time DH went to work (5.30am) and not go to sleep until normal bedtime. I deliberately made sure that I was out of the house so I would not nap (mainly by booking the car into the mechanics and forcing myself to take public transport and stay in the local shopping centre until picking up the car by 4pm. I did things I needed to do such as buying some Christmas presents, going to the library and sending emails, as well as taking DS to the library for playtime.)
I then picked up DH and went home - and was in bed by 9.30pm.

DS is still waking around midnight and again around 3 - 5am (depending on how tired he is). So I was up for both of those feeds as well.

I stayed up all day yesterday but utterly failed last night - I didn't go to sleep until 11pm and at that time was waiting until DS woke up again - which he did again at midnight. DS has been waking up crying as he is overly tired and has to force himself awake. He was up again at 3.45am so I did all the preparation for him (cleaning bottles, boiling water etc) as well as trying to get the kitchen back in order. He fed again at 6.45 am. After that I just gave up and went back to sleep.

My question is - how do other parents do it? I am quite aware that by DS's age (15 weeks) a lot of people have already been back at work for 9 weeks. I am really worried about going back next year (late Jan) and not being able to cope. How do you get everything done and keep your sanity?

[inlove]

Hi i am at work atm so cant write a long reply but i will endevour to get back to you with how i manage with a 3year old 20 month old and working 7 days a fortnight.
I am sure heaps of people will have some awesome advice for you
Your little boy will change a lot in his needs and sleep patterns between now and January so try not to get too stressed about it now.

[meow]

Your little boy will change a lot in his needs and sleep patterns between now and January so try not to get too stressed about it now.

I agree. And try not to put so much pressure on yourself in the meantime. I know of very few women who have returned to work at 6 weeks so don't treat yourself like you're behind the supermums. You're doing great and you should try and rest as much as you can!

[meow]

Your little boy will change a lot in his needs and sleep patterns between now and January so try not to get too stressed about it now.

I agree. And try not to put so much pressure on yourself in the meantime. I know of very few women who have returned to work at 6 weeks so don't treat yourself like you're behind the supermums. You're doing great and you should try and rest as much as you can!

[Beach Mama]

Things definitely get easier, you fall into a pattern and you basically do what you have to do. One thing I found I had to do when I went back to work, and I was just thinking about this today was to lower my standards for everything in a way. I don't feel that I give 100% to work, I don't feel I give 100% to housework and there are times when I don't give 100% to my kids either and I only work 2 days a week. It is a juggling act and something has to lose out - for me work and housework lose out and I focus as much as I can on the time I have with my kidlets. It is a big adjustment and I would say - enjoy now because things can change so quickly tomorrow and you will be fine. xoxox

[Nai]

As Tan said, it is a juggling act and I find I just have to give my best to what I am doing at any given time without stressing about the other aspects ie. if I am home with the kids then I give all of me to them and don't think about work. Unfortunately it often means I don't think about housework - at all However, I did get a cleaner once a fortnight just to save my sanity. It has really helped. Also I found with the kids in CC the house doesn't get as messy as they aren't in the house as much.

[~Hestia~]

I'm possibly not the best person to answer the work/life balance question as I'm a SAHM now. But I would suggest maybe getting some help in once you're back at work if you can afford it. A cleaner once a fortnight or something will take alot of pressure off you, and you'll be able to spend quality time with your family on your days off instead of tearing around cleaning. You could set aside an afternoon of cooking so most of your weeks dinners are ready, saves you having to start from scratch when you get home. Make sure you have a day where it's just family and you do something together, even if that's just hanging out at home. I know this really helps my DH feel connected and recharge before he starts his working week again. Another idea is to start grocery shopping online, you can do it anytime of the day without leaving the house, much less stressful when your time is limited. Make sure you have some time just for you, even if it's just to grab a coffee with a friend.

Try not to worry so much about next year though, your little guy will be around 6 months by then and will have changed and grown so much. It's possible he will be sleeping longer stretches which means you will be too and trust me, that makes so much of a difference to your emotional/mental health. I felt like a different person when my Moo starting sleeping through and much more able to cope! I am unsure what kind of health scare your DH had ( and I'm sorry to hear he's unwell) but maybe he will be much more like himself by this time too and able to do more for DS. I know it's hard not to worry but enjoy being home while you can for the time being.

[Nai]

Oh yeah I forgot - meal planning! Make sure you have a list of quick easy meals to cook for each night and whoever gets home first can start the preparation. DP is ok at cooking he just never knows what to cook so with a list he can cope

[Caramello]

Hi everyone – thanks so much for all of your advice. I think I just got a little overwhelmed with it all. But I am still in awe of people that can go back to work while still looking after their babies, particularly when they are younger than my own. However I have written a list for myself of all the things I have to do, and I was surprised how much I have got done so far.

Inlove – I’d love any tips on how you manage! And you are right – DS will change so much between now and January

Meow – I actually asked my friends that did return after 6 weeks. One was on shift work and alternating care with her husband – the other was going through major relationship hassles and eventually became a single mum so she had no choice in the matter. I spoke to both over the weekend and they said I was being too hard on myself, as well as telling me that they only did what they had to do to survive. One also said that comparisons aren’t always helpful, because mine is a different situation.

Tanstar – thats really great advice. I think thats what the problem has been as well – trying to live up to this ideal of living up to giving 100% to everything.

Nai – thats good advice too, particularly about stressing out.

CheezelMonster – some good advice as well. I think the biggest issue at the moment is that he will sleep through some nights and not others, which throws my sleeping pattern out too. In the last few months DH has had surgery in his lower abdomen which meant (and still means) he had difficulty lifting things, particularly for the 6 weeks after the procedure. Now he is going through chemo (1 week on 3 weeks off for 6 cycles) which means that he is tired and nauseous – although he is still going to work on the week of the chemo. Its just a hard time - and I freaked when I thought I have to go back to work shortly.

[~Hestia~]

Oh wow that is a lot to deal with, I'm so sorry to read all that. Is there any way you can delay your return to work to take the pressure off?

[onthefly]

When are you going back to work?
When things are hard, you have to make it easier on yourself Sync. If you need to nap, then nap.

[peanutter]

hi there,

it can be done

I went back to work when DS was 9 weeks old, and I am not a supermum. DH is a SAHD so I'm not sure what your arrangements will be for childcare ...

But I get up at 5.50am, get ready for work, bf DS around 6.15 and then DH drives me (with DS) to the train. I often nap on the train (it's an hour) or I read or pray or meditate or listen to music... something just for me though, I try not to read stuff for work, or baby books, etc. Just something that feeds me, iykwim.

I get to work around 7.45, get coffee, eat (I keep my breakfast supplies at work) and start work.

I express at work around 11am and 3pm.

I try to leave at 5pm, and am almost always out the door and on a train by 6pm.

I get home between 6 and 7pm, and jump in the bath with DS (which I find much easier than bathing him in the baby bath). DH dries and dresses DS while I finish washing myself, then we have a snuggly feed and a book, and then DH puts DS to bed.

DH or I make dinner, depending on who is less stuffed ... and then we spend time together (or do our own thing) and then I express before bed.

It's pretty full on, and would be much harder if DH wasn't such a gem - but he's a full time dad and is studying full time by correspondence, and is looking for a bit of work he can do from home too. It's busy all round.

But if the floor needs vacuuming, or the lawn needs mowing, sometimes it's just too bad, you know?

Sometimes it's easier for me to do 5 loads of washing on Saturday, than for DH and me to try to do them during the week.

And I'll make some mega meals (slow cooker casserole with rice, roasting tray full of tuna bake, simple things) and freeze them into lunch size plastic tubs so DH and I don't have to spend any time preparing lunches (and can use them as dinners, too) which saves time and stress during the week ...

And we make sure we get out to birthday gigs, parties with friends, etc. Sometimes we take DS, sometimes we leave him with a bottle of EBM with family ... sometimes we just host, so we don't have to organise a babysitter. But getting out with friends reminds us that we're humans and are allowed to do thiongs just because we want to!!

If we could afford it, we'd get a cleaner and a gardener in once a fortnight, just to keep things better so we'd have a bit more time to relax on the weekend, but it's not on the cards at the mo ...

Any specific Qs, I'm more than happy to answer if it would help

But it can be done

[inlove]

Okay, i am back. I went back at six months after my first and four months after my second out of financial neccessity.
The first tip is like the other have said you will have to accept that there are some things that you just wont have time to clean. I have a cleaner who comes once a fortnight to help out and if i do things in between times thats good but if i dont then its just too bad. Anyone that comes to my house know i am a busy mum and they just have to accept that my house is always messy!! If they are a true friend then they wont care!!
Tip number two, meal planning, i plan our meals at the start of the week, i have a mixture of meals some for when i wont have much time to cook some more elaborate things for the weekend and some meals that i can just do int he oven so i dont have to worry about defrosting the night before.
Tip number three our priority is the kids so they come before everything except for our half our walk just after tea we go for that no matter what so that we get some excercise. One of us is usually with the kids at night playing and the other is getting tea etc. Dishes that cant go in the dishwasher get done at night, my DH does them once i am ready to go to sleep as he gets up a little bit later than me in the morning (he sleeps in my 3 year olds room as she is a difficult sleeper so he waits till i am ready to go to sleep and then goes out and does them before he goes to bed) We structure our day around the kids needs it makes our lives easier and makes for a happier more peaceful home
In the early days i got as much help from family and friends as possible and we didn't do much on my days off just the routine things like shopping etc to stop me from getting too exhausted,
It must seem overwhelming at the moment but the time will fly once you get back to work my DH and i frequently remind each other that in the big scheme of things this time is such a small portion of our lives it seems to make us feel a little bit better.
In terms of getting more sleep i cant help much there my 3 year old still wakes over night, luckily my DH deals with that, when i went back to work after DD2 i was getting up to feed twice a night, i dont know how i did it but i just did, i suppose i knew i had no choice so i just had to get on with it! Now some nights she sleeps through and some nights she wakes once so it is much easier. My only tip would be to get as much sleep as you can even if it means napping during the day!!
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate atm so i would put work to the side and worry about that later. I hope that things with your DH improve soon. You must be very worried.
Take care of yourself

[Fleur]

I remember freaking out about kind of the same thing while I was PG.. I couldn't fathom how I was supposed to get out of the house on time each morning when I was struggling as it was (with the three older kids). And I asked my boss for advice - she has 4 kids - and she said 'you just do it. you do what you have to do' And I thought 'pftt, that's not very helpful'... but as it turns out, it is exactly the truth

I went back when Pie was 9 weeks old but that was only one day a week. I think that helped... I kind of eased back into it, after a few weeks it was 2 days, then a month or two later it was three, then 4 (now I'm back to 2 for a while).

getting everything done... well, I don't! The housework definitely suffered, and if I end up back 4 days again after Christmas we will look at getting someone in to do the bathrooms once a week. We have a great repertoire now of quick & easy meals... and as for getting out of the house in the morning, I don't know how! but we managed fine. The best thing for me is to be really organised the night before - I get Pie's lunch, clothes etc ready, bag packed. I am usually up between 5 & 5:30 and aim to be out the door at 7:30 although it's usually more like 8.

Bottom line is, I found it much easier when I was actually doing it.
And I don't think you have to worry too much about trying to prepare yourself now KWIM? Just do what you have to now, then do what you have to later. Be gentle with yourself.
Best of luck

[MantaRay]

Synch, it does take some adjusting, but once you get a routine going it is do-able. One thing to consider is that there is a big difference between a 15 week old and a baby 2 months older. By then your DS will be in a different rhythm and you will also be in a different place. I'll be honest, it probably won't be easy at first, but you are a strong, capable person and are pretty good at adapting.

I think the biggest key is planning. If you are not a "do things the night before" sort of person, this might be the time to start. The less you have to do before getting out the door in the morning the better. And it helps to have a plan for how (when) dinners will be cooked, when the best time to buy groceries is etc. Also it can be a difficult time for relationships, so having it worked out with your DH in advance about who does what is a good idea too.

I know things are difficult for you right now hun, but don't stress too much that practising isn't going the way you'd hoped. It will work out when you are doing it for real

[ladybird11]

Um, the words 'juggling act' jump to mind .

I'm big on time management and preparation in advance. So if the kids are in child care the next day - their bags are packed and ready to go the night before as are their clothes laid out too.
DH is a massive help, he does (if not more) cleaning than I do around the house, as he's the shift worker of us. So team work is a huge thing with us - we work well together.

[peanutter]

and the best bit of advice I got - get good at saying NO.

"hey, can you come to my awesome scrapbooking party?"

"hey, can you fill in for me at a breakfast seminar on Thursday?"

"hey, can you host a tupperware gig?"

"hey, can you work back late/come in on Saturday and help with whatever?"

No. No I can't, because I'm pretty busy taking care of me, my baby, my marriage, my sanity, and every moment at the moment is precious ... good friends will understand, and good employers will know that they will benefit more if you're happy and healthy

[Mother Goose]

It just takes practice. I'm on the iPhone so can't type native reply right now. But, I promise it gets easier. A big part of it is being organized and prioritizing. Learning what you can let slide. Like lees, I get things out the night before including my things.

DH and I compare diaries each week and plan everything, including gym time, catch ups with friends etc.

I'm sorry things are rough at the moment. It does get easier.

MG