Cranky pants here!!Troublesome DSD and frustrated with DH

[Cass72]

Oh I'm sorry this is a loooooooong post!!!

My DSD is 12 (she will be 13 next May). She lives interstate with her mother but is coming over with DH next month for a holiday. Our story so far......

DSD has been causing a lot of trouble at school (in the classroom and the playground and not doing homework) so much so that the principal has had no option but to internally suspend her which means that she can not go outside for morning tea and lunch. Her mother said that she doesn't know what is wrong with her although she is quick to point out to her teachers that DH is "leaving the state" (he's in the defence force and we don't get much of an option). This behaviour started well before we received our latest posting so I'm not buying into that.

I've spoken to DSD when she has stayed with us and, the last time, she said a few things which raised alarm bells. It's hard to split the lies/exagerations from the truth. She told me was that her mum is never at home and when she is they never "do" anything as a family because her partner doesn't want to. Plus she hates the arguments when they are drinking.

Now, she also got her first period when she was staying with us - she had already started it before arriving but she said her mother didn't know. I was dumbfounded as I had lots of washing to do IYKWIM. I took her shopping and bought her some bits and I also had to buy new underwear (including a couple of teen bras as she is fairly well developed - well she more than adequately fills out an A cup). The next time she came to stay with us she didn't have her bras with her because her mother had thrown them out "because she didn't need them" and had replaced them with chesty bonds singlets - in the boys style but brightly coloured.

Her mother sent DH an email outlining the problems that DSD was having at school and that the Association Principal and school psychologist are working hard on findout out what to do.

Now, her mother works full-time and is also president of the local RSL meaning that on her half day on Wednesday she also works at the RSL and again on Friday night and all day Sunday - meaning she only gets one full day at home with the kids. Okay - trying not to judge here but very frustrated when we "weren't allowed" to have them stay with us, even for the days that she was working.

Her mother was very quick to jump at the chance to get us to fly DSD over to stay with us for a couple of weeks as a holiday. She wants her back though as they are going away for Christmas.

Now this is where I'm really really frustrated: why on earth would you reward such behaviour with a "holiday" then another holiday immediately after that! The girl must be laughing - getting out of school a few weeks early, flying over to the east coast with dad for a holiday and, when she gets back it's 3 weeks at the beach!! ARGH@!@!

What I'm concerned about is that she's been hanging around with boys at the skate park on a Sunday when her mother is at work - I asked if her mother knew and she said, yes she does as long as I'm home by X time it's okay and I've got to take my phone. WTF?? She also told the school psychologist that she "drinks and smokes" - he had told her mother this.

Her mother won't talk to me - I've said hello only to be greeted with stoney silence and a chilling look - so I can't tell her what DSD has told me. I have told DH though.

Now this is my childish part of me who's talking: why do we have to pay just over $1000 to fly her over for a few weeks (plus keep paying maintenance). Each time the kids stay with us I have to buy them toiletries and clothes - when a 12YO turns up wearing size 4-6 undies what else can you do?! DSS is growing like a beanpole so I've brought him clothes too.

Okay....really, really childish of me now...... I get cranky because my DS (he's 15) misses out on a lot of things - well material things. He gets love and all that and he's just gorgeous and so well balanced (thank you for small mercies). But I don't know maybe I get jealous - DHs kids turn up at our place with a brand new laptop each and mobile phones and DS1 gets hand-me-down clothes! Plus all of DS2s things have been bought 2nd hand. I know, I know, it shouldn't matter about things like that. I shower my kids with lots of love and they know that they are treasured but.......where's the justice?

DH says what can I do, she's my daughter. I know he's right but that doesn't make me feel better. I don't want to argue about this I want him to magically understand how I feel (hehehe!)

I've recently gone back to working fulltime and money is tight although DH doesn't seem to think so. I've got a backlog of bills to try and catch up on as when I was on maternity leave things were tighter still so basically all of my pay goes to paying bills.

I just want to go sit in a corner and have a good cry and feel sorry for myself for a little bit!

[Rainbow_Mumma]

wow sorry i have no advice but do feel for you, maybe a few weeks with you and DH will settle her down a little doesnt sound like her home life with her mum is very stable

[willow5]

Cass72 I don't think you're being childish at all. I think how you're feeling is completely justified. It's hard when obviously the mother has no idea and is very jealous of you. I think you are doing a great job with all the kids.
I do feel sorry for DSD she doesn't seem to be getting the guidance she needs with her mother, and by the sound of it all the things you do for her get pulled out from under her because mum is so jealous and threatened
I really don't have any advice for you, you can't make DH see exactly how you feel and it sucks when you know the maintenance isn't being used properly

I hope things settle down for you soon maybe she'll wake up to herself...

[willow5]

Double post.