Siblings..... the best experience you can give your child/ren?

[MummaSue]

A friend of mine tells me that she thinks the best thing you can do for your kids is give them a sibling. This was during a huge argument about the benefits of breast feeding for as long as possible. We no longer speak - but I can't get her words out of my head. Which is really annoying..... anyway.

What do you think?

Honestly.

We needed IVF to conceive DD, and when we first started TTC we always said we wanted 3 kids. Now we feel lucky to have one and one is where we might just stay. We're not sure if we'll have another (or if even we have a say in that, IVF may not work again).

So, is giving your kids a sibling the very best thing for them?

[onthefly]

No.
I think the whole "You need to have another to give your child a sibling" argument is rather silly. Siblings are great and all, but kids can get along without them.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I don't think people should have another child JUST to give their first child a sibling and NO i don't think it's the greatest gift you could give them.. your LOVE, TIME and AFFECTION is the greatest gift for a child followed by SUPPORT & UNDERSTANDING.

Personally i love that my girls are close, they seem to share a bond that no-one else could share with them but in saying that in 20yrs time they could hate each other.

Please don't let your friends words annoy you, do what is right for YOUR family and what your heart tells you to do, some people have no idea what affect their words have on others... either way i'm sure your an amazing mum who has her DD's best interests at heart.

[Trillian]

Honestly, I have absolutely no idea if it is the best experience or not. Judging by the way my kids fight at times, it probably isn't the best experience but it's something that we can't possibly know until they are adults I think and they can tell us themselves. And that's not forgetting the fact that if you only have 1 child or 6 children, that they aren't going to know any different, so it's probably going to be a big non-issue for them anyway.

[~Lashes~]

no.
i think id be alot more saner if we only had ds1! i was a only child untill i was 11, and didnt bother me one bit. the greatest gift you can give your child is LOVE

[Arimeh]

Sometimes I think I've done my children a great disservice by giving them siblings so close together - or at all.

Life would be a WHOLE lot easier with just the one!! LOL

[MummaSue]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I agree, there are sooooo many other amazing things we can do for them - yeah, loving them is the main one and there are no worries about that for our DD!!

What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

[Phteven]

I think that with 4 children you end up with 2 children with middle child syndrome. Is it bad to be a middle child?

Anyways... I think the best experience you can give your children is a childhood in a loving home. And to model not being a judgmental know-it-all who thinks that she can prescribe the perfect family unit

[toomanyshoes]

No, I don't think it's the "best" experience you can give them, but I grew up an only child and was always jealous of people who had siblings and was adamant if I had kids it would be at least two.

But having said that, I also know only child's who love that it was only them. Everyone and every family unit is different, just have to work out whats right for you and yours.

[RockingBaker]

I think sadly this is a case of generalisations. Ask my DS which he prefered, the one on one mummy time or the 3 demanding sisters which touch his stuff. At this age they could stay at nanas for good and he wouldn't mind. Not to say he doesn't love them but they fight 90% of the day and he is a very sensitive kid who gets jealous when they touch his mummy.

[Trillian]

What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

Really? I'm not a teacher yet, but even as a parent volunteer in my kid's classrooms, I can pick the kid who stayed up till 11pm, I can spot the kid that didn't have breakfast and I can spot the kid who seeks attention, but I've never been able to typically 'pick' the only child, or the middle child, or the eldest child. Sounds like she's talking out of her bum a bit LOL. Its not something you can just pick. Traits that you would assume an only child to have such as not being able to share, could also be typical for a child in a big family etc.

[AndiE]

No idea.
I think as parents we do the best we can for our kids, regardless of having one child or 3. I'd just hope no parent feels guilty if they can't "produce" a sibling for their child.
I don't mean this to sound blase, but I guess you don't miss what you don't have, kwim?

[angelaartsstudent]

No, I personally believe that single kids end up better off.

If this pregnancy hadn't got through the pill and the morning after pill, we would have just left it at DD.

No plans for any more than 2...DH getting a vascetomy!

[skybie]

i would have quite happily beenan only child

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

The best experience you can give your child is growing up in a home free of abuse - OK, in a home where the child is not continually abused at the very least: I believe that no home or relationship can be completely abuse-free as we can all be selfish at times. If you can't do that, you shouldn't have a child. BUT if you are the sort of mother (or father) who abuses her child in whatever fashion, lots of children is the best thing for your children: typically, in abusive households, children with more siblings do better (not going to quote the studies here!).

DS's two best friends are only children too and they LOVE sharing with each other, so I fail to see how only children don't share!

eta- I agree with skybie, I wanted to be an only child when I was growing up too! Now, I'm sorta pleased my sister got all the attention and I got ignored, I can see her giving attention to Liebling and how bad that is for him.

[Just Me]

I think different horses for different courses really ... I don't think that having siblings is ever the BEST thing you can give your children. As a PP said, your love, time and affection is the most important thing. I do think that all families work different and for some families, having siblings is good for kids but in other families being a singleton works better. It really depends on the parents, the kid and the circumstances.

I know heaps of families with very very happy and well adjusted singleton kids just like I know lots of families with more than one child. Kids are pretty adaptable to whatever set up works in your family.

People that think they have done things the 'right' way annoy me. Every family is different. I think the idea of having more babies for the sake of current children is a little absurd. I do think sibling relationships and family dynamics are a consideration, but I think the decision has to be made because it is something both parents want, not because they think it is something that their current children need, iykwim.

[misty]

I think different horses for different courses really ... I don't think that having siblings is ever the BEST thing you can give your children. As a PP said, your love, time and affection is the most important thing. I do think that all families work different and for some families, having siblings is good for kids but in other families being a singleton works better. It really depends on the parents, the kid and the circumstances.

I know heaps of families with very very happy and well adjusted singleton kids just like I know lots of families with more than one child. Kids are pretty adaptable to whatever set up works in your family.

People that think they have done things the 'right' way annoy me. Every family is different. I think the idea of having more babies for the sake of current children is a little absurd. I do think sibling relationships and family dynamics are a consideration, but I think the decision has to be made because it is something both parents want, not because they think it is something that their current children need, iykwim.

Absolutely agree.
Having siblings has been great for me growing up, and certainly something i have always wanted for my children. But I know plenty of people who grew up as only children and that worked fabulously for them. My sister only has the one child and that is probably the best thing she could do for him. The are positives and negatives for both - and it really is a trade off.

[misty]

What has stuck in my mind most is - my "friend" is a teacher and she said she can spot an only or middle child after a week of being with them. So she had 4 kids so that none of them had the middle child syndrome How ridiculous. (well, sounds ridiculous to me anyway).

I can generally 'spot' the kids who have siblings or not (and if they are the younger or older child). I don't think this really indicates whether having siblings is a good thing or a bad thing - just different. We are a product of our environment, so there are going to be differences. Differences are good, they make the world what it is.

As for the four kids and middle child syndrome. Pfftt... My parents had six kids. Number 4 definitely suffered middle child syndrome. I think placement can impact on a persons personality, but it tends to be more in line with the natural inclinations of the person in question and the entire family dynamic and relationship which develop between siblings and parent and child. It is not any one factor, but rather a combination of things.

There are certainly differences between my nephew (who is an only child) and my children. He doesn't share as well, he gets stressed out over the noise and fighting and some other things. But you know what, he is also better at alot of things (my sister has more time to spend teaching him individually), he is more mature in many ways then my DD (same age), he is able to have his parents (and everyones) undivided attention - which in itself can be good and bad.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' when it comes to number of children. just different.