We lost a family member this morning and I'm unsure how to explain it to 3.5yo DS

[~*Niadalla*~]

I'm not sure where to start. He saw his family member(M) on Saturday and knew M was sick... so was very gentle with M the whole time.
Anyway, M passed this morning and I just don't know how to start explaining it to him?
I know to explain he was sick and that the doctors couldn't fix him, but how do you explain the word DIED. I can't use that he's gone to sleep... I'm worried that will have some sort of affect on him when we use the word in everyday chatter.

DS has been a little knocked around the last 6 months as we've been flooded out of home 4 times. He saw the water first hand one time and suffered night terrors for 2 month afterwards. He's a very sensitive little soul and SUPER intelligent. He hasn't seen me cry this morning yet, but when he does he will come over and ask me what's wrong.

We are going to see the rest of our family this afternoon and I want to be able to have him understand even a little, why Daddy, Nan and Granddad, and his Aunties are sad.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Arimeh]

I'd be straight up and honest. My DS has known for some time what dead means, first it was like spiders or roadkill, then my nana died last year after he had seen her in the hospital. So he knows she is dead and we can't physically see her anymore. I didn't get into the heaven convo cos it's not something we believe in.

[CeCe]

Sorry for your loss. I have no personal experience but think this thread by Michelle71 after the loss of her husband should be useful: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...member-134156/

[Rivlas]

With children you will be amazed at how well the cope when you tell them. My DD1 was 2 1/2 when DH's dad died and she just came out and said she knew he had died.

Let them talk about the person and remember the good times. Let him guide the conversation when he asks questions, that way you only have to answer to his satisfaction.
Another thing to explain. Because he was in hospital when he died let him know that yes the Dr's could not fix him but not everyone who goes to hospital dies. Some kids think that when you go to hospital you die.

So sorry you and you family are grieving.

[~*Niadalla*~]

Thank you everyone.

I've just had a shot at explaining it to DS. He seems ok at the moment and has been asking questions. Thankfully his GGF wasn't in hospital so I don't have to try and explain about hospitals not always meaning death.
I'm not totally sure if we are going with the heaven thing as we don't really have a faith so I went with a star in the sky.
I felt I needed to explain why our family will all be upset for a few days.
He was really good about it, and I've let the rest of the family know how I've explained things so that they can expect lots of questions or DS talking about him.
DS is now off watching a movie, but randomly comes up and gives me cuddles and tells me he loves me.

Thanks again! I guess we see how it all goes at the funeral.

[Rivlas]

Just a warning. You are going to get comments about taking him to the funeral or that you should not take him.

Remember it is your decision what you want to do.

[skybie]

yep be totally honest, tell DS that because M has died you arent ever going to ee him again, tell him its ok to be sad and to miss M because we all do. if you re explain it to him make him repeat what u say back to him to make sure he heard u correctly. i have a book on kids and grief and apparently at the pre school age they think that death is only a temporary thing and its reversable and they will see the person again.
If he wants to talk about M let him, be warned kids are very very blunt, i asked DD1 where her baby brother was the other day, thinking she'd say in heaven, but she said he's still in the hole mummy. so yeh very very blunt these kiddo's are!

If he goes to day care or kinder explain the situation to them, tell them to allow him to talk about M and encorouge them to ask him questions abvout M but tell them to always end the conversation with M is in heaven (or a star in the sky)

its not easy and i think its an ongoing explaination to them until they fully grasp the concept of death.

i;m so sorry for your loss

Re the funeral, explain to him what happens at a funeral, tell him lots of people will be crying but reassure him that its ok to cry. and ask him if he wishes to be there

[Kmn]

All you can do is be honest - but be prepared for him to forget that the person is dead.
My son still asks to phone H (who died 6 months ago) sometimes. And we just have to say gently that H is dead so we can't talk to her any more.

[Roryrory]

I would also be honest and just answer questions without being to graphic. Only reason I say this is that very little kids can get real confused if given info which is beyond them. For example my DS aged 4 is very interested in hearing about my dad who died (28 years ago mind you) to the point of obsession sometimes, and in the course of MANY discussions he asked where bodies go so we had a talk about coffins. Well DS aged 3 overheard and the other day said "Poppy Ivan died along time ago so Grandma put him in a die-box as a present".

I know this sounds like I am making a joke but I'm not - but just mean to say little kids take in a lot and it doesn't necessarily freak them out as much as adults think it does.

[Snacks]

Hey babe. I just thought I'd mention something else that was told to me by a friend of mine - when you talk about the star in the sky, you can say we (insert your family name) believe that... This means that if he gets into a discussion with a friend or teacher who tells him something different you can explain that that is what your family believes. (Like if someone talks to him about heaven and you're not comfortable with that belief, you can reiterate that you believe... etc).