Question - if I saw that your child had some very definite autistic traits and that you were struggling with their behaviour, would you want me to say something to you even if I was just a see you for five minutes a day acquaintance?
Hmmm..... at the time I might find it a bit challenging but maybe later I would be grateful.
Sometimes having a stranger confirming something that you have been worrying about for a while can be really hard.
honestly, if someone said that to me, i would be very angry at first, possible not speak to/avoid them, but it would get me thinking more about my childs behaviour, and possibly try get a more professional opinion.
Hmmm thats a hard one. I think I prefer you didn't say it unless i asked your opinion. I think it could be confronting and awkward for you both. Yes I also see that your advice may help in the end, but like every piece of advice I think its best if its asked for IYKWIM?
as a five minute a day acquaintance i'd possibly near tear you a new one!
no offence, but no one wants to be told their child is anything but perfect, especially by someone that doesn't know them, and the reaction is most likely going to be a big F you, you don't know my kid (from nearly everyone i know, you would get this - it happened a LOT when mum, as and FDC carer, would mention stuff to parents - and she had the kids for long periods of time)
if you believe this to be the case with someone you know, can you change the dynamic of your relationship so that you're not "only" a five minute a day acquaintance? so that you have spent more time with mum and child? mum may be aware that something isn't quite right, may even be investigating - but if you're only a five minute a day acquaintance, it's not something you can really broach with any sort of - ummm - can't think how to say it - but for it to come across as respectful and concerned, kwim?
Maybe instead of saying 'hey I've noticed autistic tendencies' you could say 'hey, when my daughter did that I found it helpful to do this'. Leave it to the Mum to put it together later if that makes sense.
Could you bring up the topic by asking a little about the behaviours that you see? Maybe try and start a conversation about it, as opposed to straight out saying "I've noticed this..."
I think it would be very hard to hear at first, but down the track if it was what prompted me to seek further advice and information I would eventually be grateful. Good luck hun.
Hmm, the mum in question is also good friends with someone I've known for 12 years, maybe I should say something to them because they could get away with it more. It's just that being a mum of an ASD kid I know the earlier you get intervention the better for the child in question. I understand the need for tact with the mum and respecting her feelings, but it's the kids needs and feelings I'm focusing on more. At the moment she's very obviously frustrated and tired, but if he does have ASD he's in hell where even his own family isn't safe and "get" him IYKWIM.
You know what, Im going against the "rip you a new one" & am goign to say as long as your approach it the right way she could be very thankful. Don't be accusing or judging. If it was me (& I tend to ask the inappropriate questions all the time) I would say something like, "Hey, please forgive me if I am crossing a line, but I wonder if you have considered {child} could have a ASD?" Of even just ask if he does? But quickly follow it up with your own experience with your child & maybe throw in some reason for asking, like you know of a playgroup she might like to attend or can she recommend her pead? something that makes her feel you are just taking an interest as you are in the same boat. KWIM?
I think instead of jumping horns and all, maybe if you know a close friend of hers that it might be worth while asking if she is already investigating and if thats the case well i would leave well enough alone as she is already getting professional help.
Obviously you would go about it gently and if I had made it known to you that I am struggling then I think I would appreciate it.
Maybe not at the time though as quite possibly I had already been thinking along these lines and was very scared of what it could mean.
But an opinion from someone in the know is always going to be a touchy subject. Its a very hard call to make and depends on what the possible fallout could be if she takes your well meaning advise the wrong way.
Goodness me, it's not like I would walk right up to her and say, "Hey I think your kids got autism" or "did you realise that's an autistic trait". Of course I would handle it in as tactful way possible. Give me a little credit.
Argh! I do feel like I'm between the rock and that hard place. In one way it's absolutely none of my business and I should keep my nose out of it, but on the other hand I see this glaringly obvious (to me because I've seen them before) ticks, what if I don't say anything and they never get him any help! As it is, the poor kids is constantly getting into trouble and being roused on because they see what I would consider sensory seeking behaviour as just being naughty and destructive (I know they smack too, so if it is ASD the poor kid is getting punished physically for a disability he can't help). She has to hold him at school drop off to keep him under control, he never looks anyone straight in the face but side gazes or head tilts, gets right into peoples faces but doesn't like it when other people initiate contact, he doesn't seem to understand or hear certain instructions, and has classic hand flapping galore, and this is what I see in only a 5-10 minute block before school. Mum is obviously flustered and lost as to what to do. We talk while the kids play before the bell rings, I've talked about DD and some of her needs trying to open up the subject so that if she had any suspicions she could ask black ops questions but nothing. The closest we've got is discussions on how the child in question is such a dare devil in comparison to his older brother and doesn't seem to understand safety . Unfortunately the bell rang and it didn't progress any further, plus I still wasn't sure if I should say anything... Unfortunately, I think that because he is quite high functioning and isn't like Rainman or the kid from Mercury Rising (thanks Hollywood) they've not considered it.
I would be with briggsy's girl and likely to give you a big f you... Unless you did it in a way that drew on your experiences and was totally caring and non-judgemental.
Maybe like, "I've noticed that X does this and that. My daughter also did this and that. We found that those behaviours totally improved when we had her diagnosed and receiving treatment for her ASD. Do you find those behaviours challenging?" (I know little about ASD so excuse the possibly incorrect language).
Maybe also getting her talking more about her child and leaving her to join the dots that your daughter did / does that due to her ASD. Mothers are generally not stupid and I think done properly you could be a real help to her. But it's a fine line to walk.
This is a long shot and maybe depend on the school and teacher but could you talk to them about it and see if they would talk to her? I am a teacher and am unsure how this approach would go down as well to be honest but I think as you said it is really important that someone says something and asap.
I think you would be completely compassionate and understanding in the way you approach it with her knowing that you have been through it yourself but how she takes it is anyones guess. She might initally be in shock and avoid you initially but then be very thankful later. I would be inclined to talk to her about it.
ETA: THe more I think about it the more I think talking to the school may not work Tricky one.
Yes, I would totally not mind if someone was honest with me and told me what they think.
Re anything regarding my child's behaviour, becuase we all think our kid's are perfect and angels, understandly, becuase we are their Mum! Sometimes it takes a not-mum or a professional to help us take off the nice, happy, shiny Mummy Glasses and see thngs how they really are.
^ That refers to anything to do with kids btw, not spectrum behaviour in particular. (Just saying that so people don't take the above in the wrong way!)
I also think if I were in that mums shoes, I'd prefer having this type of conversation with someone that is going through what I might be going through. I understand that getting our mutual friend to approach me might be a bit easier but in the end I'd prefer to hear it from someone who knows.
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BellyBelly Member
Do I say something??
. Unfortunately the bell rang and it didn't progress any further, plus I still wasn't sure if I should say anything... Unfortunately, I think that because he is quite high functioning and isn't like Rainman or the kid from Mercury Rising (thanks Hollywood) they've not considered it.
but how she takes it is anyones guess. She might initally be in shock and avoid you initially but then be very thankful later. I would be inclined to talk to her about it.
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