Is it possible to be an Attached parent AND have a tidy house?

[Melody7]

My DH's had a blow-up this evening regarding the state of our house. I've seen worse, but it is obviously getting to him - kids stuff everywhere, piles of paper etc.

I am finding it really hard to be the attached, sensitive mum that I am AND keep my house tidy. The latter tends to take a back seat as I don't like to destroy or interrupt my child's play. I consider it a good week if I've managed to put the laundry back where it belongs!

Does anyone have any tips for keeping on top of the domestics, yet still being there for your children? How do you get kids to tidy up their stuff? Or is this a stage of life I should just accept? ie. better to be with my kids than have a tidy house....

[Marlene]

Is it possible to be an Attached parent AND have a tidy house?

NO!!!

[krystals]

My hubby and I had ONE conversation about this and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I asked him a simple question. At the end of his life, would he be happier to look back and see that his kids had involved parents, or say 'thankgod the house was tidy'.

I'm certainly not saying you can't be a good parent if you have a tidy house- all the power to you!!!! But given the choice of playing with my son and putting the washing away... Son wins every time.

I think it's unfortunate for the SAHP that the working parent often come home at the end of the day before the clean up has actually begun. I know I do most of my cleaning at night, after DS is in bed, there's no point during the day, as it's just all going to come out again. But I also know that if I'd had a difficult day at work, and then walked into a house that had tired kids cranky before bed, a sink full of dishes and nowhere to put my feet, I might be a bit cranky as well. It's all perspective hey?

In terms of what I *do* get done during a normal day, I clean the bathroom as I'm filling the sink for DS's bath, I clean the kitchen as I go when I cook, and again at the end of the night when I go to bed, I just hate going to bed with a cluttered bench . I clean up spills on the stovetop as I make them. I dust when it's bugging me (every couple of days at the moment, with the fire going). Washing gets done when DS is asleep, but the hanging of it (I don't even try and iron) sometimes takes a day . Beds get made in the morning, because it's the only thing I 'have' to do to feel like I've accomplished something. The floor? It's covered in toys. Our place is tiny.... but the toys and mats cover the fact that I haven't vacuumed in I don't know how long. I'm still trying to work out when that's actually going to happen.

This has made no sense. I'm tired, and sugar deprived. The dishes are done, but there's stuff all over the floor and I'm leaving it like that for when Hubby comes home in the morning.

[Melody7]

Hmmm, I know my DH values the way I parent. I think he's just a bit over it, as Krystals said - at the end of a long day to come home to mess. He doesn't expect a pristine home, he just doesn't think its present state is acceptable. I think we'd like to try & achieve a balance, if that's possible. If my house is a mess (toys everywhere etc), i dont feel its the best example for my kids or a restful place to be in. I know that i get bugged by it - wouldn't they?

And I'm like you, Krystals. I tidy at night - but then I feel a bit resentful towards DH who's watching TV while I'm tidying! Perhaps there's a tidying game I could create in the afternoon with the kids to at least put a small dint in the mess...

[~Kaz~]

I think it depends on your definition of tidy and where you set the benchmark. It's all a balancing, juggling act imo. I could have a spotless house but I'd be giving up some of my time in the evenings to get it done and probably be more sleep deprived than I am with DS's night waking. Also, if I cleaned as much as I should for that spotless house I'd be an absolute nightmare to live with and cranky ALL the time (as opposed to some of the time ).

You have to prioritise. I put what has to get done for my own sanity at the top of the list. I do stuff when DS is in bed or otherwise occupied with DP and try not to worry about the rest. We are just starting now to try to get him involved in tidying his toys before dinner. Sometimes it works and sometimes not. I think you will have years ahead when your kids are older to keep a tidier house but you can never get this time when they are young and learning so much back again.

[feeb]

I will set kids up with breaky and un stack or restack dishwasher or put on some washing. While they have lunch (both slow eaters so I finish lunch way earlier than them) I will often fold washing or pair socks etc, I often find if I start picking up toys and putting in toy box they will often help me. I use mini vac to quickly vacum around under table post meals. I stack dishwasher why DH spends some time with kids and often run around doing other tasks like more washing or putting washing away etc.

Our house is my no means tidy but it is clean

[jackrose]

Define tidy

I certainly am with you on the "better to be with my kids than have a tidy house" and often wear our chaos as a badge of pride. As long as the kids are happy!

And Krystals,

My hubby and I had ONE conversation about this and I'm hoping to keep it that way. I asked him a simple question. At the end of his life, would he be happier to look back and see that his kids had involved parents, or say 'thankgod the house was tidy'.

That is such an awesome point!

Still, I do try to find a balance, mostly to help my sanity when I am at home all day with the kids and to help them keep focused on their play. I find that if things are too chaotic, their play is less focused and it just creates more mayhem.

I have recently developed a system - which mum helped me implement when she visited where we try to pack up as we go (generally) and then have a pack up time at 5 before sitting down to dinner. Before that, I felt DD1 (now 3) was too young, then when DD2 arrived I found that I couldn't sort anything out as I was just holding it together with 2 kids. Since Mum sorted out out current system a few months ago (she is a retired Kinder teacher so has quite a knack for getting the kids organised!) I have been so much more on top of everything and the kids seem happier too!

I follow a couple of guidelines which keep me and the kids happy
- I always give DD a warning a few minutes prior to cleaning up that we are about to play the pack up song and tidy up so that she has time to work through and wind up her play
- I respect her play if she needs to finish her game, that is, I don't make her stop but allow her to choose when it is over
- We make pack up fun by choosing what she will be in charge of putting away (rather than all they toys she takes charge of just the books or just the blocks etc) that way she avoids feeling overwhelmed.
- We also make it fun by having a special song we sing and a race to get it all done.
- If DDs play or game is really involved I do negotiate leaving it out to continue the next day and pack up around it. I think it is important to respect children's play and involved games.
- I stick with it as the routine of pack up, dinner, wind down bed seems to form part of that whole 'knowing what to expect' safety net that children respond so well to. I never thought I would be able to do a routine as I am so much of a go with the flow person but I do find this is worth it. (Mind you, it is always a flexible routine if needed)

During the day I try to keep on top of the mess by focusing on one game, task, or play focus at one time - give or take. Sometimes I will tidy up a bit a game that has been left and sometimes I will ask DD to help me do it before moving on to the next. It depends on so many things, but mostly I treat it as a respect thing. I expect all of us who use the house to have the space to be creative and do our own thing but to recognise that we need to keep things tidy to allow us all to do that. At 3 it is a bit of a stretch for DD to 'see' that is what she is doing by tidying up, but I think she is learning from observing us. I also recognise that at Kinder she is expected to tidy up the play when she is done so I think this age is a good one to start implementing it at home. At 2years old I never expected it of her and I certainly don't of DD2 (1 year) However, she joins in the pack up time anyway - as a game!

I also try to balance the time I spend playing with them and the time I spend on other things. I try to engage in both DD's play but separate myself at times as well. "How about you set up the horses and I will be over in a minute to run them around the racetrack with you" sort of thing. This way I still get things done and time to myself if necessary!

Today I saw the benefit of my systems when i left the girls with DH for 2 hours for the first time in months. I came home to CHAOS with things strewn all over the house and about 10 games/activities started and abandoned. Apart from it highlighting for me why I always feel it is more work to get time off from the kids

So another solution might be that if you were able to leave your Dh with the kids for a bit he might see what real mess is like mine did

[Gigi]

i think you're on the right track, thinknig of a tidying up game, my 4yo likes that, and has done for last few years.

i don't cope well with volume (lots of toys) and neither does she (gets overwhelmed).

We made the decision to simplify life, reduce the number of toys and did that (for me it was rehoming all the battery toys, majority of the plastic toys, anything franchised, and the toys she had grown out of). Every family would have their own priorities, for what is most important to keep. Culling was majorily influenced for me, by living in a small unit, that was the initial motivation.

ANother thing i often hear of, to work on managing the volume (i think it's for people who don't want to cull the toys, and have heaps of storage) is to ROTATE the toys. Pack up half the toys. bring them out in a month's time. Pack away current toys.

I had to work out my parenting style, to work out our criteria.

So with the volume of toys reduced, my next step was BETTER STORAGE. For us, this meant buying a cube bookshelf (4 x 3), and the cane baskets to fit into the cube shapes.

then the toys were organised. e.g anything with wheels in one basket, the trainset in one basket, the food toys and teaset in one box, the animals in one box, the block in one box, the jigsaws in one box, dressups in one box, etc etc.

all of these things, i thought - i'll try it, we can always change it if it doens't work out/suit us. but havne't had to.

The guideline in our place is "only get out ONE basket at a time. pack that basket up, before getting anything else out".

Then when i walk into her room, or the living room and have nowhere to walk (tiny place, but still), i put on my mock voice "oh no, the naughty gnomes have been again" - she loves this, giggles, and packs up the basket. It's usually when she's stopped playing, has walked off, and forgotten to pack up. in the beginning, when i was getting her used to this idea, i would sing songs, instead of telling her instructions, so that made it into a game too.

i have no experience doing any of this with two kidlets, i have one child, but sometimes i get ideas from people with different family numbers than ours, so i'm just putting it out there, JIC.

different things work for different kids, different families.

i have a three section dirty laundry sorter, so i can sort as i go, saves me time. i often fill the washing machine, but don't press go, so that the next day, when it's suits me, i can just press "go" and walk out the door, or whatever i have to do. Cos i think it's the sorting that takes most time/effort.

i would look at WHICH messy aspects is getting your dh down the most.
Is there any way to reduce the mess being made in the first place?
And something my OH (before we spilt) would NEVER do, was to rinse dishes before putting them on the sink. i found it greatly increased my dishwashing time, to have to scrub dried on food remnants. (drove me crazy).

Some housework you can turn into a game. My child has loved pegging up tiny laundry, e.g her own knicker, socks, singlets, tees etc. I discovered this late on, apparently you can do this with a just walking toddler.

my toddler used to make a pile of nappy inserts, facewashers and make pairs of the socks (which i would then ball up). she loved the matching game of it. All the facewashers together, like a tower. she worked that one out all on her own, so then i made a point of repeating that with her.

and some people find that a 3yo and a sink of lukewarm soapy water, is a good way to keep them entertained, and you even get a few plastic plates/bowls washed - all you have to do is rinse the bubbles off at a later time. Another one i discovered a bit late.

some people do outdoor play, to reduce inside mess. depends what your backyard is like.

i think it takes time to adjust to children and mess. when you're surrounded by it all day, it's not as obvious as when your OH walks in and sees it all of a sudden. Life with children IS different.

you create a family together, you BOTH work all day, i personally think a combined tidy up would take less time, and make you feel like a team. Reduce the chances of you feeling resentful.


best of luck, some things you just gotta let go, when the kids are tiny. (i havne't had breakable things out for years LOL). and at your youngest's age, i had to box up the books, cos my LO loved to thrown them all on the floor, one by one, OVER AND OVER (it was a low, wide bookshelf).

and i loved BABY GATES, so i could keep some areas relatively ok. Reducing the amount of areas that could be trashed, as well as keeping her out of unsafe areas (bathroom). It worked for me, cos if she had free rein, i felt too anxious, that NOWHERE would be as i left it.

differnt things work for different people, i hope you find what you're after. Hearing what everyone else does, really helped me (come up with new things to try out).

[meow]

It's called a cleaner

I don't have one yet but we'll be hiring one soon for a good floor/bathroom etc clean every week. I don't have the time/opportunity.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I haven't read the other replies but I think it can be done, DP and I have had the same argument numerous times.

I've started involving the girls in some of the 'cleaning', DD1 thinks vaccuming is a great 'game' I make a game of packing up some toys or cleaning their room.
Both girls love putting clothes on a clothes horse while I hang washing.
They also get To run free when I am doing things outside.

Then when they nap I do the things that need to be done.

We play lots of music, they learn and laugh as we go and then we have outside time or craft time etc.
The girls have no idea they are 'cleaning' they think it's quality mummy time


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

[loulabelle]

I struggle, I try to make sure the kitchen gets done and I do washing but don't always have time to fold it. The living area/ toy area, I usually pack up at night and might throughout the day a little. I think the age of your children makes a difference too. I have two toddlers and it always seems that as soon as I clean one area they mess up another. Or they 'help' but it's not actually helping, but making it harder. Like yesterday, it took me 1.5 hours to fold and put away two loads if washing.

Dh will usually take kids out on a Saturday morning for a few hours so I can get some cleaning done( bathrooms etc).

I find multi tasking helps, cleaning the bathroom while they are having a bath etc.

Pretty much everyday, at least one room looks as though a bomb has hit.

You can only do what you can do. Go easy on yourself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk so forgive spelling mistakes

[KitFaerie]

We hired a cleaner. She does the bathrooms, mopping, benches and vacumming.
DH and I take care of the cooking, washing and dishes. DS loves being outside with me when I hang out the washing, and playing in the clothes as I'm folding. I'm amazed at how much I can get done in 3 minutes though, I can put away the dishes and make DH's lunch as the kettle boils for coffee, lol.

For me, a messy house makes my head feel messy, so it always had to be reasonably clean and tidy, and if it was too much stress for us to maintain it, it had to be a cleaner. We were totally happy to pay someone $50 a week in order to make us both more relaxed.

Hmm, not sure this has answered your questions! I think yes, you can have a clean house and be an attached parent, but you probably have to pay for it (or get DH to give up TV!)