Sorry this is very long Medals for those who get through it.
I know that I created some of this mess myself so now I'm trying to fix it but it's been really difficult.
A while back we went to sleep school - DS was 14 months - and after a hellish week or so we had a toddler that pretty much went to sleep in under 30 mins just with us sitting by the door and then stayed asleep 'til morning. Then he got sick and it all went to pot as you can imagine. So after backsliding to cuddling and patting to sleep for an hour or more I decided I'd had enough and would be tough for a bit to get back to where we were. But I never felt good about it ever, I hated him crying while I sat and shushed him from the doorway even though it wouldn't be for very long.
I went back and re-read the Science of Parenting and it talks about making bedtime a safe, comforted time - very different to what I felt I was doing and sounding much better! So we decided we'd go back to sitting by the bedside and patting, stroking hair, holding hands etc so he didn't go to sleep upset. First night was great. Down in half an hour, slept through to 6:30am. I thought YAY and was feeling much better about it all. Then that day's nap took an hour of fighting with him even though I was doing the same thing as the night before! And that night was an hour and a half of me sitting patiently while he mucked about before eventually dropping off to sleep. Then that night he rolled off his mattress (happens about once a week - not far or hard just wakes him up) and instead of the usual 5 min resettle after a fall it took an hour of full-blown tears. Then today's nap was 45 mins of him screaming before I burst into tears and cried myself nearly to sleep next to him - which shocked him into stopping then lying next to me and watching me cry until he fell asleep too. I'm sick at the moment so just not coping but I don't understand why the supposedly more comforting going to sleep is making him fight it more? Does he just have to build trust in me that it's going to continue and then once it sinks in he'll get better? Because I can't keep doing it this way - it'll be the death of me - and I hate the thought of going back to the sleep school way.
Before anyone suggests it - co-sleeping isn't an option - it hurts my back too much and even though I'd put up with that for the sake of sleep my partner refuses to go back to it and gets annoyed when I bring it up.
Oh and DS does come into our bed in the morning and after naps sometimes for a feed so I can squeeze some extra sleep time out of it. Could that be contributing to the problems I'm having? We only started doing it in the last few weeks.
Oh and since bringing him into my bed for a feed when he wakes after a nap his naps have shortened from about 3 hours with him self-settling partway through, to 1-2 hours with no self-settle but then sleeping more on the breast which is getting gradually closer to what they were before we went to sleep school (resettling with breast every 20-40mins) and was one of the reasons we went!
Oh I just read this! I am on my phone so I can't see how old your ds is?
I have no advice... Sleep is a struggle in my house as well.
I can offer this though. When you are sitting with him for that hour or more, holding hands, patting, sssshing and crying.... I am right there with you you have just perfectly described our bed times. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I think our babies just need that extra help and they are lucky they have us to gently help them
Um I dunno mate. My kids have always been shocking sleepers.
Dd2 is nearly the same age as your DS, sometimes she has an hours sleep, sometimes 2 hours during the day. I don't try to resettle, I just give her a bottle and some lunch and she is usually right to go and play.
She goes to bed at 7pm of a night time and wakes up halfway through the night and gets in with us. She doesn't want milk or anything, just snuggles.
shades dont beat yourself up about letting him cry - to be honest I think alot of these things sound a bit developmental to me - as they get older, things change - especially with sleep!
i dont have any suggestions for you, but I hope things get better soon. Youre doing a great job
No eyeteeth that am aware of - he is 18.5months.
He's lying next to me now - woke up after an hour from his nap and just slept for another 1.5 hours on boob. He clearly needs the sleep. He is crazy grumpy and difficult if he hasn't had enough - just getting him up doesn't work. I want the version back that slept for 3hrs straight! Have I ruined it by bringing him into my bed?
My back and breast/nipple are aching now - a reminder of why we stopped this co-sleeping business despite me loving having him near me!
My friend has a little boy that at that age went from self settling, sleeping through and a three hour nap in the day.... to needing to be rocked again, no napping and waking throughout the night. This lasted for about a month and now he is back to normal.....
Maybe it is just a stage? I dont believe for a second that letting him snuggle in bed ruined anthing!!!
I feel like I'm doing the worst job in the world. Why does it have to be like this - that what is best for him can't just work with what is best for me or my relationship
I know it's related to cultural expectations and it's sucky. I'm feeling like I'm a failure because I can't meet everyone's needs and it's just that society encourages demands that aren't compatible with the way babies work.
How am I supposed to choose between my baby's needs and those of myself and my relationship?
it's so hard shades, i really feel for you. my two boys both needed to be comforted to sleep every time when they were young too.
i know you said you've read 'the science of parenting' which is probably my favourite parenting book of all time btw, but have you read 'the no cry sleep solution'? i know it has helped lots of mums on here.
We've got that too yeah - you're right I should have a re-read of it again also. It's harder too when the partner seems to think gentle parenting is often a lot of wishy-washy mumbo jumbo
we used a method by Dr Jay Gordan, it didnt work the first time but did later one..worth loooking into
we've just in the past few months moved from DD2 needing us with her for sleep...started sitting beside then we got to standing at the door
I think some of it is age development.. My DD was close to that age, and at my wits end as I was only 2 months off having DS took her to sleep school, and that was a nightmare here as well.. I did learn some settling techniques that we still use, but with us there if that makes sense (e.g. the firm voice of lie down and go to sleep, but leaving the room we don't do).
When you say co-sleeping is out of the question, does that involve him being in your room as well? I find if my children are unsettled, just being on the floor on a cot materess (sp?) is enough to give them comfort. I too struggle with co-sleeping from a physical aspect , but DH is fine with them, but he shift works so often not home at night, so I have found ways that work for me.
Hope it is just an age development and he comes out the other side soon.. It is so tough when your little one won't sleep and just seems to cry, but you aren't alone!
I don't think my partner would put up with the floor thing - would have the same effect as having him in the bed in terms of having to tiptoe and be superquiet and having no lights on or conversation or couple time etc.
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What's going on!!?? Sleep issues [long]
Medals for those who get through it.
you have just perfectly described our bed times. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I think our babies just need that extra help and they are lucky they have us to gently help them
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