DD bitten by 4 yr old friend- WTD?

[KatieRabbit]

DD was bitten by a friend last week at playgroup and I am still furious about it. They were not sharing something and she got teeth marks on the back of her hand that lasted a long time. We know the child and mother well and DD and the child are usually good friends and the biting is not unusual behaviour for the child. I will be seeing them again this week and not sure what to say to the mother as we didn't say anything last week as she just got up and left. I know there are probs in the family and I have tolerated a lot from this child and have been understanding but have had enough now. We live in a small town and see this family quite regularly and would like to stay friends with the mother but just can't stand her not doing anything about her child's behaviour. She knows she needs to discipline (her words) her child but for some reason is too afraid to and we bear the consequences. So I am wondering what to say to her when I see her next? We have stopped play dates at our houses due to her son's behaviour but we still meet up at playgroup, parties etc and DD just gets constantly hurt by this boy. (Turned into a vent!)

[KatieRabbit]

Just bumping!

[Epacris]

4 years is quite old for biting isn’t it, it’s usually a 2 year old thing? You’ve said there are “problems” in the family, it seems obvious that the 4yo is affected by what’s going on and the biting is an outward symptom. You’ve decided that you do want to say something to the mother? I guess in that sort of situation I might say something like, “Hey, that biting isn’t good is it? How are you going with it?” sort of implying that she does need to do something and perhaps leading her to ask for or admit to you that she needs help??? Then you could perhaps suggest something directly or refer her to her GP or MCHN for help? I think it’s really, really important to keep the tone light-hearted, otherwise she is likely to get very defensive and immediately clam-up?

As for your DD, if that was my child I would either cut off all contact (but you’ve said you don’t want to do this) or I’d be right next to my child protecting them preferably with my body between my child and the child that you’re worried about. I would be ready with my body to just block them out. I do stand back and let my children have lots of good old rough and tumble play with other kids, but when I know they’ve had enough and are being really hurt I step in to help and protect them.

[*Efjay*]

I would casually say to the child in mums ear shot "now no biting today, OK?"

[LuluHB]

If the mother has acknowledged that its an issue previously and still hasn't done anything about it, then I think you need to be a little sterner in dealing with her and her child. I don't interfere initially when kids in the playground don't share properly with my girls, push in on the slide etc but do reinforce to the girls that that child is doing the wrong thing. If it continues I will say to the child that they need to share/wait their turn and then it steps up to saying it loudly that hopefully their mother gets the hint and intervenes. However, if one of my kids is being physically hurt the kid gets one chance and that's absolutely it. I would be telling the mother that she needs to do something about her kid's behaviour, and I would definitely be shielding my child from hers like Epacris suggested. Kids need to learn to fight their own battles, but they are also entitled to expect their mum to get in there for them when it goes too far. Its a difficult situation given you are in a small town, but social niceties and whatever difficulties the other family is having need to take second place to your DD's welfare, and if other mums have stopped play dates for the same reason you'll probably find you get a lot of support.

[NaeNae]

If you see the child in question acting inappropriately I don't see why you cannot step in (especially if the childs mother won't) and in a low tone voice just say "biting is not nice" or " do not bite" just something .... if the mother gets upset you then have a window to discuss the childs previous outbursts.

I have scolded my niece for her rough behaviour but I do let her get rough with DD to a point as well just to see if someone steps in. If they don't I have no issue with it and I usually say something just loud enough for SIL or MIL to hear.

A few times niece has dug her nails into my face and I have really growled at her and had her in tears, there is little parents can say when they can plainly see the marks!

Nae x

[helle]

If you see the child in question acting inappropriately I don't see why you cannot step in (especially if the childs mother won't) and in a low tone voice just say "biting is not nice" or " do not bite" just something .... if the mother gets upset you then have a window to discuss the childs previous outbursts.

I have scolded my niece for her rough behaviour but I do let her get rough with DD to a point as well just to see if someone steps in. If they don't I have no issue with it and I usually say something just loud enough for SIL or MIL to hear.

A few times niece has dug her nails into my face and I have really growled at her and had her in tears, there is little parents can say when they can plainly see the marks!

Nae x

This is what I'd do. Afterall the protection of your DD comes first, and it's not like your belting the living daylights out of this other child. By the age of 4 she should really know that biting other kids isn't on.