How to help prepare kids for the world of mean kids?

[shellbell3]

DD1 is 4 and in kinder. She's very gentle natured and looks out for others. She also enjoys being social. So the problem is often (not always) when she asks kids to play they refuse and she doesn't understand why. She does have one best friend but she's the type of child that likes to play with everyone. Ofetn she comes home and tells me she just followed people around cause they wouldn't let her play and the other day at the park after kinder she was bawling her eyes out because no one would let her play and her best friend had gone home.
Is this common with girls this age and how do you explain things to your child? I don't think they are being outright mean, there are only 8 girls in the class and they all seem to have their little groups set up whereas DD is happy to play with anyone.
There was also issue last term with one girl telling her to shut up and calling her an idiot. DD just doesn't understand why people are mean, and I know as life goes on with school and friends things will only get worse, how do you explain and prepare them? I worry alot for her being the personality she is. Am I silly to worry so much already?

[Gigi]

i wonder the same thing, when my kindy girl goes to Big School, next year.

[appletree]

I'm not too sure on this one, but my Dd is 4 and she too follows other kids around and copies them until they either play with her or ask her to stop! We talk a lot about other ways to make friends and how she feels when they don't want to play, the reasons they might not want to play, etc. I think when she gets to school next year it might settle a bit, but at the moment I think it's still fairly normal behaviour. She is also really bossy, and always has to win, not particularly endearing traits when trying to make friends, but I keep reminding myself that she is a cool, funny happy normal kid who is being herself and I love her to bits so I am sure others will as well if that makes any sense??

[kelebek]

are there any boys she can play with? maybe you could explain that not everyone plays with everyone but to see if someone else will play with her... like one of the boys?

As you mentioned the real world can be mean and is that not everyone wants to play with everyone but tomorrow they might want to. It is heartbreaking and I watch it with DS all the time. I try to tell him that it has nothing to do with him and maybe they are having a bad day or they are the ones that aren't nice and encourage him to move onto something else.

I am certainly interested in what others have to say about this

[Mak]

You are not silly at all!!! DD1 has just turned 5 and is in 4yo kinder. I think that at 4 most kids generally latch onto one close friend and then tend to branch out more are they get older. It has been interesting watching the group dynamics and I had been quite shocked at some of the things said. We have seen a lot of 'you're not my friend' and exclusion because of clothing/hair or even nothing in particular. After getting over my initial shock as I had hoped it wouldn't happen until a bit older I have tried to use each opportunity to try to rally her own confidence/independence. So we have talked about moving on if people are not being considerate of feelings/playing nicely but also trying to reinforce that she knows she is a good friend and has positive attributes and to try to ignore the words that are being spoken. We have spoken about being the best you can be when she has not been 'the best' and how people are all special and unique when there has been talk of long/blonde hair or blue eyes etc. We have also talked about the importance of being polite and considerate of feelings even if you don't want to play or do something someone else is doing. I try to not place too much emphasis on it and move forward when she seems satisfied - as I would when talking about something at the park/supermarket etc. I have struggled a bit with words sometimes. Good luck!

[Olive]

id start by talking to her teacher and asking for her advice etc..

[littlelara]

I was going to suggest talking to a teacher too.
Could you also maybe ask one of the other little girls for a play date? If she can get to know someone else one on one it might make all the difference. If you're not sure who, maybe see if the teacher has any suggestions as to another gentle soul in the class.
GL, it hurts to see our babies hurting

[Gigi]

Mak, we have come across similar. Even her bestie, saying "if you wear those pants again, i will throw you over the fence" - and bilby BELIEVES it, is fearful to wear those pants again. An adult can reason, that child doesn't have the strength to throw a child over the fence, but my child was scared and believed it.

She never complained about the threats and the bullying from her bestie, just accepted it, but when other kids bullied her (trapping her under a plastic big round rocking thing - big enough for three kids to fit under -, the kids sitting on it and refusing to let her out, they thought it was funny to trap the little kid - she was screaming and they wouldn't release her - i made sure all the kindy staff knew about that, the director tried to make a joke out of it, but i thought that was very serious and not a joking matter at all. Part of the reason i am always so anxious about her lack of eating, she is always the smallest in her age group, and i know the law of the playground, smallest kids usually get picked on more. Survival of the fittest and all that.

i've been teaching bilby - if a child doesn't want to play with you, they might need/want some alone time, or to play with other people, and that's ok, because another time, they will want to play with you. So once they say no, or are not interested, just say "see you later" and play with someone else - and that's ok. My DD was stuck on "she said no, now i don't know what to do", so giving her another option/s, has helped. I hadn't realised that i would need to point that out, it seemed obvious to me, but not obvious to my DD. It was a big concern for her, she hung onto every word when we discussed it (i thought she would ignore whatever i said).

My DD gets upset because of other kids not following rules too, when she sees other kids not covering their mouths when coughing, breaking plants, using toys in hurtful ways etc. The kindy catchphrase is "that child is learning", not "that child is being naughty". I must admit, that did not fly well with me, the day she was trapped against her will, by a number of kids. In other situations, i get it.

[Astrid]

We had the exact same issue with DD1 last year at 4yo Kinder. (Did post about it last year, but sadly got no responses).

Spoke to the Kinder teacher about it and found out that she was not the only one having a few social issues. Seemed there were a few strong personalities, along with quiet kids, so there was a bit of conflict. Part of DD's problem, was that she was too polite, by asking to play first it gave the chance for the other kids to say no. If she just joined in with the play, it was all fine. Due to the number of kids having issues they decided to run a social skills course with someone from the children's centre at the council, it was a great help. Also half way through the year the kinder teacher changed and she was so much better. The first blamed DD a lot, whilst the other put some effort into helping, the whole class seemed to improve with the new teacher.

DD in particular has one frenemy. She would play well, then suddenly pick on her and say horrid things. It was awful, DD would be sobbing each night and it was hard as a parent not to track down the other parent and have a go at them. No matter how much we told DD that this girl was not a friend, she would just respond "but we are all friends at Kinder!" totally frustrating. Wish the first Kinder teacher had never started that rubbish. Had to spend a lot of time explaining that everyone need to be friendly, respect each other, but you don't have to be friends and if you are not friends, then don't be mean to that child. Thankfully the second teacher was of the same opinion.

DD still had issues going into Primary school, she still needed to learn about taking turns with playing, she would go off by herself if they did not want to play her game. Her primary teacher spent a bit of time getting through to her that whilst they may not play her game today, they may tomorrow. We made sure with primary school, that the main offender was in a different class (thankful the school was obliging there), it helped a lot get her away from the "frenemy"

Huge : hug: it can be so hard. Had me close to tears many nights.

[fionas]

I think a lot of kids have issues at this age and not just the gentler ones. DD1 is very outgoing but 'even' she comes home some nights upset because x wouldn't play with her or called her a "poopyhead". She hasn't worn pants for six months because someone told her she looked dumb in pants. Now if I ever find out which kid that was, they will get a serious piece of my mind because I had to go out and buy a whole heap of skirts and tights because now she refuses to wear pants after living in pants for the first three years of her life.

I don't know if it's true of boys too, but it seems a real age for girls of being obsessed with who is their "best friend" and to get a bit cliquey.

I probably have the opposite concern in that DD doesn't seem to play with the same girls, she just plays with whoever. Yes, that should be a good thing but I worry that she's so in-your-face that the other kids just tire of her.

[kelebek]

No matter how much we told DD that this girl was not a friend, she would just respond "but we are all friends at Kinder!" totally frustrating. Wish the first Kinder teacher had never started that rubbish. Had to spend a lot of time explaining that everyone need to be friendly, respect each other, but you don't have to be friends and if you are not friends, then don't be mean to that child.

This is great and I really struggled with how to tell DS that he needs to be polite and friendly while I recognised that doesn't mean you will be friends with everyone. We aren't quite at that stage at school but certainly in the parks etc... I can use this. Thanks

[beckoes]

i feel the same. dd1 is just three and wants to be freinds with everyone. she will try to make friends at the play ground and get quite sad when people wont talk to her. i find she makes freinds with older kids easier and sometimes there are kids the same as her that she finds, that will chat to her. i honestly think that some children just dont have that social skill yet and some do. i worry the same, what will happen at kindy when someone is mean to her...she is so innocent and sweet...i dont want her little spirit to be crushed, but i guess you just have to explain that sometimes people are mean or just dont want to play, are having a bad day or dont know how to make friends or talk to people.

[YoYo]

I am actually really worried about this with ds. I don't even know how to put into words how I feel! Think I'll follow this thread a while! Thanks for posting it!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk - I wonder what the kids are up to....Better go!