Stranger Danger **it is a sensitive topic**

**kelebek** · August 31st, 2011, 10:24 AM

DS was 3 in March. He is a very independant, socialable child. I have raised him to be friendly and I am proud that he is confident to go upto anyone. He is also a very handsome (I know I am biased but everyone comments on his looks all the time, big eyes, beautiful sandy coloured wavy hair, clear skin etc...) and OH is worried about 'stranger danger' and especially in light of the Daneil Morcombe case we were talking about it a lot lately.

I am in 2 minds, I don't want to curb is freindliness but I don't want him to be taken either. I do think OH is being a little paranoid but you just never know. Like he said at DS's age it wouldn't be too long before he forgot about us

How do you approach 'stranger danger' what is the best way to teach DS that he can be nice to people but needs to be wary. The fact is that he is more at risk from someone he knows being inappropriate with him then being abducted but I still left wondering how I should be teaching him about both.

Hope that made sense and any advice is appreciated

***Efjay*** · August 31st, 2011, 10:29 AM

It might be a good idea to introduce some social stories that portray staying safe and understanding the hidden dangers.
Stories that show a young boy saying hi, but holding Mummys hand when meeting new people, or a story that shows a young boy refusing to go with a person they don't know as they need to ask Mummy first. You know that sort of thing, where it shows the correct thing to do in different situations.

***LittleMissSummer*** · August 31st, 2011, 10:39 AM

I encourage my DD to say hello to strangers which now thinking about it maybe i should stop doing that

When shes older i will explain it to her that not everybody is nice and she holds mummy or daddy's hand when meeting new people, i like that suggestion.

***EJ*** · August 31st, 2011, 10:51 AM

I've been wondering how to deal with this also. My boys will say hello to random people when we're walking down the street and i stuggle to know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Like you said it's great to see confidence in the child but do you want too much or to not have them know when to be cautious of strangers??

The other week we were going to our hairdressers (she works from home) and we were arriving as another lady was leaving and my DS1 held the door open for her and said hi to which the lady commented on how polite he was being.... But my hairdresser actually made the comment "...Stranger danger..." Which kind of confused me?! My boys were in a place they know and at least one lady they knew as welll as me being close by should i be teaching them to not be not talk to anyone even in that kind of setting?? I want them to be kind and curteous (sp?) to people they don't know but at the same time like you we have to be so careful about the possible dangers of the world.

It's really tough. I have bought the books and we try to talk about it when the time is right but i'm not sure how much he's taken in just yet. I'm hoping that in kiner and school they'll learn a bit more.

***Efjay*** · August 31st, 2011, 10:53 AM

If you can do them up (or even find them Im sure they would be around) as a picture book then I think it helps then to grasp the concept.

You could make them simple like a comic strip. Could leave them with out words, just pictures & make up the story as you go.

Here is Lucy. Lucy and her Mummy are going to the shops to do some grocery shopping.
Lucy and her Mummy need to buy Milk, bread and some fruit and vegetables. Lucy likes to pick out which apples to buy.
While shopping a lady came up to Lucy's Mummy and said Hello. Lucy holds Mummys hand while Mummy introduced Lucy to the Lady. Her name is Mary and she knows Mummy from Book club.
Holding Mummys hand helped keep Lucy safe while she met someone new. Its the right thing to do.

After Lucy and her Mummy had finished shopping they took the bags back to the car to go home. Lucy helps Mummy by carrying a bag that has the bread. She is a great helper.
On the way a man calls out to Lucy to come over and say Hi. Lucy turned to her Mummy and asks if she can go meet the man. But Mummy doesn't know they man and lets Lucy know that maybe another day we can say Hi, but today, we need to get the shopping home. Lucy Stays with her Mummy. Its safe to ask Mummy before going over to someone we don't know. Its the right thing to do.

You can use this sort of thing for everything. I need to make one up for Iain, who is almost 3 but he is TERRIBLE for crossing the road in car parks. He just runs ahead of me and I have to scan the roads to make sure he is going to be fine. Im normally holding Rohan & have Isla with me. She will run after Iain to bring him back but that just makes a big game so he runs faster. BUT he refuses to hold my hand. Its a working progress and some days he is good others I have to hold him tight while he wriggles and cries & drops to the ground until I let him go. Im usually the women who is carrying the child that looks like a ferrel cat scruffed at the neck while crossing the road LOL

**kelebek** · August 31st, 2011, 10:58 AM

DS also hates holdimg my hand and I hate making him. MIL is very paranoid and if we are in the shops or somewhere there is a lot of people she makes him hold her hand.

EJ - I am the same, feeling very confused about all this.

**Cranky Kitten** · August 31st, 2011, 11:10 AM

It's a difficult one isn't it? DD was very similar at that age, and even now she's still a confident, outgoing kid that loves meeting new people. She was also a terror for wandering off a lot of the time, I'm sure I've got a few grey hairs from it

But I found that the best things that worked for us were reinforcing the message that she needs to stay where she can see me at all times, that she should never go with anyone without checking with either me or her dad first and not to accept gifts from anyone she doesn't know without checking with us. We always encourage her to introduce the new person to us as well, or to come tell us about who she's met so we can meet them too.

We've also taught her that her body is her own, and that she has the right to say no or to kick up a fuss if somebody is doing something to her that makes her feel yucky etc. Even if it's somebody she knows well, she is the one in control of her body and decides if the way someone is touching her is ok or not.

The other we taught her is who she can go to for help if she needs to. We talk about what she would do in various situations such as getting lost or separated from us, or if somebody tried to get her to go with them or was doing something that made her feel scared. All this did get put to the test a couple of years ago when after a day at the Royal Show, she got separated from us as we were getting off the train and she wound up stuck on the train when it left the station (long story). She coped extremely well, another passenger assisted her to press the driver call button and the train security guards met her at the next station to escort her back to us. I was so proud of her, that even though she was very distressed and frightened, she remembered what we'd taught her and that helped keep her safe.

All the best

**Astrid** · August 31st, 2011, 11:12 AM

I think children need to know how to be social. The more people they come across in different situations will hopefully help them develop their own "stranger radar". We need to respect as parents if a child does not want to go to someone, so we don't suppress that radar. I know as kid I was often forced to be social with men that just creeped me out, otherwise I being rude.

Really most people are fine, if anything if your child is lost, it will be an adult they will need to approach to ask for help. Maybe teach them who is safe to approach in that situation, like the lady at the service counter at the supermarket for example.

**Tinks** · August 31st, 2011, 11:12 AM

It's such a hard one isn't it.

I tried and tried to teach my kids about stranger danger but it just seemed that they weren't getting it. DS was the worst, he'd stop and talk to work men on his way home from school, even though I'd explained why he shouldn't a zillion times. It used to make me so angry.

One day he was walking to school, we live no more than 500m from their school, when a car stopped and a man approached him. He remained calm and kept walking because he knew that once he walked a few metres he would be visible by the crossing lady, the whole time reciting the car's rego number in his head. When he got to school he told the principal what had happened and the police were called. He was able to identify the colour, make and model of the car and the police pieced it all together. He was in grade 5 at the time.

I was so proud of him! He did everything we'd taught him to do and I didn't think he was even taking notice when I spoke to him about strangers. So, keep teaching your kids about stranger danger, they are listening.

**PumpkinZulu** · August 31st, 2011, 11:27 AM

It's such a hard on isn't it.

Most inappropriately hilarious typo I've seen in ages

**onthefly** · August 31st, 2011, 11:33 AM

It's a really scary thought, isn't it?
DS is quite outgoing now and will talk to anyone too.
I think the most important thing is that we teach our kids to say no. That if they feel uncomfortable about a situation they can say no, I don't like this and refuse. Total compliance is the big danger, really.
The truth is, kids are most at risk from people they know, so it's not enough to say they must be wary of strangers.

**Tinks** · August 31st, 2011, 11:33 AM

I can't even blame auto correct for that one!

**Astrid** · August 31st, 2011, 11:42 AM

The truth is, kids are most at risk from people they know, so it's not enough to say they must be wary of strangers.

Very true. I suppose it is easier to think of the strange man being the one who could hurt our children, rather than thinking that "Uncle John" may be their greatest threat.

**~ Zarava Flutterby ~** · August 31st, 2011, 12:15 PM

For me i will be teaching my girls to be polite, say hello, please, thank you and to smile at people in the street but they are at NO TIME to go anywhere with someone they do not know, if they want to go to a friends house i must be asked first (friends parents are just as bad), if a 'friend' pulls over and asks to take them somewhere they will be taught no thank you mum is waiting for us (NO MATTER WHO IT IS) - if the person was to insist my kids would be taught to ask to call me first (child speaking to me not the stranger) and to let me know where they are, if someone they don't know pulls over to talk to them they will be told to say sorry but i have to go and keep walking.
They should not stop and talk to someone but to say hi and keep walking, they are not to enter someones house, say hi & keep walking.

It is all good in theory but actually teaching them i have no idea, my girls are very social already so i might have to start throwing in little 'don't go with anyone' hints.

**HotI** · August 31st, 2011, 12:16 PM

I think the most important thing is that we teach our kids to say no. That if they feel uncomfortable about a situation they can say no, I don't like this and refuse. Total compliance is the big danger, really.

i think this is so important. I have known parents to 'force' kids to say hello or hug or kiss visitors in order that they not be rude, but to me it is just the first step in not allowing kids to set their own boundaries and respect the child's perception of people and right to to make guidelines for their own bodies.

**Cranky Kitten** · August 31st, 2011, 12:36 PM

i think this is so important. I have known parents to 'force' kids to say hello or hug or kiss visitors in order that they not be rude, but to me it is just the first step in not allowing kids to set their own boundaries and respect the child's perception of people and right to to make guidelines for their own bodies.

I wholeheartedly agree, and have never allowed people to push the issue with DD if she doesn't want to go to them. Grandad used to be quite put out, till he realised if he backs off and lets her come to him she'll be all over him but if he tries to pick her up or grab her in a hug she gets intimidated and backs off. But to me, it's her right to decide who she wants to be friends with, and who she wants to give hugs or kisses to - I wouldn't expect an adult member of my family to give someone they don't know a hug just because I told them to, so why should I expect that of my child?

I do think with the keeping safe strategies like not going anywhere without letting mum/dad/supervising adult know it's FAR more than hints that's needed. It's open and frank discussion, teaching the rules directly that will make sure kids know where their boundaries are.

**Shanti** · August 31st, 2011, 12:39 PM

Yes, I agree. Teaching them to say "no" if something doesn't feel right or sit right with them. Trying to teach them about their intuition and if they feel scared then it's not right and they should say "no".

I also worry about stranger danger ALOT! I'm probably paranoid..... DD1 is 2.5 and won't always hold my hand in shops, but I usually try to get her to either sit in the pram or the trolley OR hold the pram and walk along with me. She is never out of my sight. I won't allow that. She's also a blonde hair, blue eyed little cutie and yeah, I just worry!!!! it can happen to any kid.....my DD1 is super social and will run up to anyone to say hello and talk to them!! I really have to watch her.

Someone suggested books, I think that's a great idea. Let me know if you find any!!