Q: What understandings/rules/expectations re teen behaviour?

[AnyDream]

This is more of a discussion of the driving principles/rules that govern the (delicate) balance of rights and responsibilities of your teen in relation to the rest of the family?

What laws do you lay down as strictly non-negotiable, and where do you provide wriggle room?

Does your teen know what your expectations are, regarding school/work performance? What about values/expectations in relation to appropriate age/state to start dating etc? Guy Sebastian commented the other night that at age 16 his mother would've told him to stay away from girls - is that totally out of date or still relevant? The vast majority of my peers at high school waited until after the HSC to get onto the romance train, but I have no idea whether that just happened, or whether that was influenced by family values.

My family of origin was overly strict/authoritative in quite a dysfunctional way (and it didn't end well) - so I want to learn as much as possibly about how healthy, functioning family units negotiate the transitions of adolescence.

[Just Me]

I don't have teenagers myself and I also came from a very strict yet dysfunctional home.

I was given some advice in one of the courses I did while working with teenagers though and it sounded like good advice to me (but I haven't tried it out). The advice was to say yes to teenagers as much as possible but put the responsibility on them to meet the conditions. For example, asking to go to a party or the mall, answer along the lines of 'Yes, but you need to ensure that someone's parents are there, there is no alcohol involved and that you are home by 12' or whatever conditions you think are suitable. Instead of asking the questions before giving permission, such as "Are xyz's parents going to be there? Is there going to be alcohol?" etc, you throw the ball in their court to figure out what to do. It gives them responsibility, shows trust in them and means that you get to say yes more often. It also means that if it doesn't work out, you aren't the bad guy who says no, it is their responsibility to make sure the conditions are met if that makes sense.

Don't know if that is helpful at all, but it sounded like good advice at the time.

[RainbowBrite]

Not sure if I should comment, my home life growing up was also strict yet dysfunctional.
And my teens are growing up in what can only be described as a tumultuous home life (and somewhat dysfunctional )
My teens know and understand what my expectations are, one follows them without a problem, the other really pushes the boundaries (They are DD-16 and DS-15).
I do not sweat the small stuff so much and would not class myself as overly strict but when the more serious bounderies are crossed then they feel my disappointment and there are consequences.
I feel it is hard to say 'I will say this and expect that' from my teen as each one is very different and what works for one won't work for the other (even raised in the same house with the same set of rules)
Some you give an inch and they will take a mile others you can give more leeway and responsibility.
I am finding negotiating through the teen years on my own without a strong male role model for them (especially my DS) a little more challenging but we do what we have to.