You know, this is half rant, half rave, half "I have to get it out there", half "am I sane?". I know that adds up to two, so maybe that answers the last question.
There is not a single person on earth who has walked exactly in our shoes and knows exactly how we feel, the depth of our emotions and grief.
But I see often, people say or suggest (heck, even me, as I caught myself thinking today) that "you can't possible understand/empathise with me unless you've been through this". I think when we do this we deny others the possibility to empathise with us, comfort us, etc, and put up walls. We deny ourselves that connection and comfort.
No one has been through what I've been through, what is hell for me might not be for others, and vice versa, but many people have experienced extreme grief (regardless of the mode) and can in general empathise even though they haven't walked in our shoes.
It's not grief from the same cause, but it is still grief. Unbearable sadness comes from many causes.
For me it was also the realisation that although someone hadn't experienced what I have, their concern and care for my distress was from a place of love helped me accept the comfort they offered. They may not understand the exact cause, but they understand that I am hurting and they want to help however they can - no one likes to see a friend in pain.
I should add some background I guess. I got an email from a friend, in reply to me discussing the most recent miscarriage. She has two kids, each conceived first attempt, never had a miscarriage, NEVER HAD A NEGATIVE PREGNANCY TEST. Ugh. But she did lose her best friend in high school who was hit and killed by a car. She has no idea about miscarriage and infertility but she does know grief. She tried to empathise with me and honestly I was a little p*ssed about it at first. It's taken me a while to calm down.
hmmm, you know I have never really thought about it from the flip side. I too have been fairly annoyed at peoples, what I have perceived to be flippant, insensitive comments about my issues with infertility & m/c, but I guess they are trying to empathise and provide support in some way. It might not always be how I've wanted them too but it is nice to know they somewhat care...
How are you feeling now Maruschke?
Well I think it was Skybie (I might be wrong, don't quote me) who said she didn't want people to be able to imagine how hard it was to deal with her level of grief. I feel the same, I don't WANT someone to have walked in my shoes, because they stink. Knowing that others go through this as well just makes me feel worse, as my heart breaks for them too, it doesn't make me feel better. And (this really irks me) knowing that others have it "worse" according to some imaginary scale of how painful things are, also doesn't make it better. It means that there is no upper limit on how painful life can get, and that from here, it can and does get worse. Yuck. Please don't comfort me by telling me that others have it worse, because my heart then bleeds even greater for another. I dunno, I hate comparing pain, I don't want to do it, but deep down a part of me is still very peeved when I read a rant from someone who appears to have it pretty darn good, or from someone who says they understand but have never tasted bitterness. I guess I need to work on it because if I don't accept comfort from people who haven't walked in my shoes, I'm going to be a lonely bitter old hag.
To have a grasp of the level of grief (or whatever emotion) you really do need to have had a similar loss. They can comfort but unless they've felt similar, they can't really empathise.
Such as death of a loved one, if you've not lost somebody to intrinsic to you as a person, then you really have no grasp.
For example, I can empathise with Rouge over LuLu's death, no I've not lost my best friend/sister, but have lost a parent, while I'm not 100% on the same wave length as her level of grief, I can understand it a hell of a lot more than if I'd lost a distant relative that I had minimal to do with.
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No one has walked in your shoes...
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