How do I politely tell people to $#%% off when they give parenting 'tips'?
We don't get this a lot because we're pretty strong willed and I think most of our friends/family wouldn't offer an opinion on what we're doing or are on the same wavelength, but we do get comments on certain things sometimes, like:
- Oh, you shouldn't take a nap with her, you're making a rod for your back/it isn't good for her/(you get the idea...)
- Are you sure she isn't 'snacking' since you don't have her on a feeding routine and she bf so often during the day?
- You should just let her cry herself to sleep instead of staying with her or she won't fall asleep on her own
- If you don't leave her with people or 'hand her around' more she will get too clingy
I'm sure you've all heard the myriad of comments that get thrust upon us!
How do I politely nip these kind of comments in the bud? Or should I just ignore them?
Has anyone else had any other interesting comments??
There is really not much you can do because sometimes total strangers feel the need to impart their 'wisdom' regardless of if they have children or not. So depending on who they are I'd ignore if they are strangers and try to nip it in the bud if you know them IYKWIM?
I have been lucky that I have really had any well meaning 'advice' LOL. But I think I may be one of the blessed few in that respect.
The off - handed comment - hmm perhaps you are right... you aren't agreeing nor disagreeing and it is open ended enough not to be considered rude ...
or that is something to consider ...
re breastfreeding & snacking... " ask them how long did you b/f for " -especially if you know they didn't b/f...
I tend to just nod and smile, or make some vague comment about how everyone is different and you just have to do what works - which is true, and to me seems like a polite way of saying "I'm going to do what I think is best and ignore your advice if I don't like it"
My personal favourite is "I'll take that into consideration'. Most people understand that it means bugger off but its such a silly overly polite way of saying it that they usually don't take offense. For the olde folks "ooh I love hearing about the olden days" LOL. Otherwise I just smile and nod and look vacuos.
Say something like.. "Well, that is an interesting approach".. or I like dachlostars comment as well. I guess most people mean well... but it is soooo annoying! Blatantly changing the subject to something totally different works too! A little rude but at least they will get the message.
With older people like PIL..i would really innocently say..oh i dont think they do that anymore...lol..so I wasnt overtly saying anything but they got the idea.
Ah, yucky interfering people. I thankfully haven't had many comments. On the occasions I have heard them I either immediately answer with a different reply, as if I hadn;t understood what they said (and they generally get the hint their help isn't needed); or tell them my plans and that I am proud of what we are doing.
Good luck, I had a rotten comment from a physio once who wouldn't get the hint, and I had to clearly tell him that we were happy for our son to make certain decisions (like weaning and bed-sharing) for himself, and that we were confident in how we were parenting him.....
With us it depends who is doing the advising / commenting. If it's someone we don't know, I'm not really bothered, just nod, smile, say "hmmm" or something non-committal. It's just not worth getting into an argument with someone you'll never see again. If it's someone whose opinion I actually care about, that's different, and I might give a brief explanation such as "we have decided to do xyz as it suits us best / research suggests it's good for her / or whatever". Then if the person wants to discuss it we can. I'm pretty opionated (and sometimes tend to be tactless!) but I do try to be respectful towards older people. So I have a bit of trouble when my MIL tells me about how everything was done in her day, ie 30-35 years ago. She has absolutely no idea of anything that has been discovered since about 1975, but I can't really tell her she's ignorant...
LOL, i would just say gees, feel sorry for what your kids must have had to go through!
No No usually I just ignor it, but most of my family & friends think I am a nipple nazi so don't even bother questioning my parenting style as they know I will have well backed up reasons for why I am doing it that way.
Jennifer, no matter what ou do you are always going to ge tpoeple "offering" you their advice. I still get it and I have 4 kids. I love it when people tell me what it's like when kids are about 3 when I just have Tehya. Especially when they say it's their only child, I usually just say yes I know and wait til they get to be a teenager, I have a 14 y/o. Usually shuts them up for me.
I think the easiest way to handle it is by saying ahh ok, maybe I will try that.... Or nope sorry, thats just not for us. Otherwise if your really p'd off just tell them to shove it
With Matthew I generally get the comments 'have you tried controlled crying' Eekk. I always say 'we don't believe in that' and that generally leaves them confused more than anything and nothing else is usually said.
Sometimes I feel like saying more but bite my tounge rather than spark arguments or conflict.
Trish (BabyAmore) - I think you're right about the bf one, I'll ask them a qn if I get that one again.
Dachlostar - PMSL "is that how they did it in the old days?"!! I think I might be a bit more tactful but say something like, "oh, we were told not to do that anymore", or something like that.
Thanks guys, I think I'll use some of your suggestions instead of just going "er, um" and not knowing what to say!
Yeah I get it all the time about bf'ing and sleeping. I've actually told my mum off coz even after telling her 'this is how we're doing it, so can you just support it please' she still makes sideways comments through Tallon. Irritates me, and I've resorted to telling her off (not harshly.. but she knew I was annoyed) LOL. and it worked! We've also looked back over the last 4 months together and she's realised that I haven't created a rod for my back with how I let him feed and sleep.
It is hard tho, coz I'm the type that wants to launch into explaining everything I've learnt etc etc.. but it's just not worth it, because it can come across defensive and argumentative.
I've had some GREAT discussions with a friend of mine who's ttcing at the moment tho. And she's been watching us with great interest and reckons we're the only ones she's seen who don't make having a baby look like a chore. And that is really nice to hear I must say I told her the trick to it, is to just follow the babies lead. There's plenty of time later to try introducing stricter routines.. but when they're little, just go with it
I hope she gets pg soon.. it'll be nice to have someone IRL with a baby who shares the same views.
I know what you mean, I would get asked all the time about how much of an impact having a baby has on your life by pg or TTC friends. It honestly didn't change our life that much at all. Not in a bad way anyway. We do more then we did before kids because of the kids. Its great!
My SIL & I have very similar views on parenting styles. Its nice to be able to ring her & ***** about her mum & she agrees with me! We do have a few different ideas on things, I think she treats her kids a little too "little princess" ish but I probably will too once I have a girl. But for 2 people who HATED each other (fist fights & all) who have now found a common ground in our kids we get on really well.
I hope my SIL and my brother aren't interested in this thread. I'm really looking forward to being the person offering gratuitous advice when thier baby arrives and I hope that they don't tell me to bugger off. Since my brother is older its always been him offering me advice so I can't wait until its my turn LOL.
hehe.. true dach. I can't wait until someone comes to me for advice, THEN i can launch into explaining everything! hehe.
I hope I don't become someone that people want to tell to bugger off. LOL. I'm trying to tell myself that I just need to pass on info so they can read it themselves and decide for themselves.
Hehe Dach, you are funny! I'm already the eldest, so when either of my sisters have babies I think I'll have to learn to back off since they're probably sick of my advice anyway! But I know DP is eagerly sharing his tips with one of his close friends who is going to be a dad next month. Which makes me chuckle, 'cause he's at work all day and hasn't had to care for Lucy on his own at all!
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How do I politely tell people to $#%% off when they give parenting 'tips'?
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