As the title says, one of my single girlfriends (mum to a 11yo and 8yo) has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. It's bad. Gone from a lump 2 weeks ago, to a GP appt last Wednesday, to mammogram and ultrasound and breast surgeon and 10 needle biopsies on Friday, to a radical double mastectomy plus radio plus chemo sometime this week after another appt with the surgeon today. She's been told she won't be able to work after today.
For those of you who know this, what can I do to help? I'm spending the rest of today with her, just to pass the time. She's not the type to ask for help, but given she's living alone, what can I (and the other girlfriends) do?
Would a cleaning roster/cooking roster help? What else would be helpful?
hey div
i am soo sorry you friend is going through this
FWIW if she is a person that doesnt like asking for help, I would keep things pretty low key- just make them happen without her even knowing that they have. Her freezer is filled with food and she didnt even notice it happening. Her house is clean and she didnt even notice it being done type of thing. She might feel a bit overwhelmed if she has all these people in her house all of a sudden and feel a bit helpless getting help for the first time.
Also perhaps a roster for taking her kids to extra-curricular activities to keep their lives rolling on would be beneficial.
If it has all happened quickly there will also a be a period of after shock that will hit soon, so be aware that that maybe coming (rocky road chocolate comes in handy for these type of convos)
you are an awesome friend to be there and ready for her. Dont forget to look after yourself as well
take care
Absolutely that would help Div. Soup for her if that's all she can stomach and food for the kids. How about help with the school/activities run? Things like a roster to take her to and from appointments?
Hopefully MD sees this and can give you some good advice.
Sounds like perfect help, just to be there. Quietly stocking the freezer and keeping things going through out the months ahead will help her. The treatment course of chemo etc will likely take up to a year to complete and whilst her ability to do the normal household things will vary there are few people who can consistently help over that time.
I agree with det on the just making things happen rather than a big fuss. Would she like to have a dinner out somewhere special before her surgery? Maybe a pamper session/massage? Depends on the person as it is a lot to take in and you really do get sucked into a rollercoaster of appointments. Maybe ask her what she would like in terms of help too?
She is lucky to have you. xx
When my young Aunt (34) was diagnosed with metastatic bresat cancer we arranged for a cleaner to come once a week while she was receiving treatment and for a few weeks afterwards (about 6 months in total I think). We have a large family so it was only a small contribution each week for each person, it also meant that family members who were to far away or physically unbale to help could contribute. I did approach her before we organised anything to see how she and my unlce felt about this and they were very, very grateful. My aunt continued to work most of the time while she was having chemotherapy and for her it meant she could come home to a clean house and relax and she and my uncle and cousins also got to spend more time together as a family.
Almost everyone helped with meals, I often made bulk loads of lasagne which they could freeze then defrost as necessary. We also helped drive her to appointments and sit with her during chemo as she enjoyed having the company and sometimes school pick ups after chemo when she really needed to rest.
And I guess when ever you are over visiting her for a coffee, offer to put on a load of washing, do any dishes in the sink etc things that you can do while still chatting?
Sending lots of positive thoughts your friends way
Oh gosh, lots of love and prayer to your friend. Bless you for being there to support her.
My Mum had much the same happen in 2005, and FWIW, she is a 6 year survivor now, so there is hope. Your friend will need plenty of support. She will be sore from the op and then sick from the chemo and radio. Just being there to help her with the day to day stuff will be so important. All the stuff listed above will be awesome. Obviously the kids will need feeding but don't necessarily go overboard cooking for her once chemo starts. I can't count how many sao & vegemites I did for Mum during her treatment
A tip for chemo induced mouth ulcers - the baking soda toothpaste does wonders. Mum swore by it.
Divvy I'm sorry to hear your friend is going through this. Your initial shock and desire to help is very normal, and if your friend has no other adult support at home she is likely to need help on an ongoing basis. But don't assume what she needs - ask her. It may be that she has other family members who are able to step in and help, so ask about that. In some areas there are support services that provide cleaning etc on an ongoing basis, which might be easier for her to accept than an army of volunteers.
The actual mastectomy surgery is difficult emotionally but doesn't involve a huge amount of pain, but if she has an axilla clearance (removal of all lymph nodes) that does tend to be painful for a while afterwards. She will probably come home with drains in, and she may need some help around the house for a few weeks afterwards. Find out if she needs any help keeping the kids' routine going while she's in hospital.
Regarding chemo, she won't really know the full details until after the pathology from the surgery comes back. Not all chemo is the same and not every one reacts to it the same, so don't jump ahead to the worst case scenario. Some women keep working through, others adjust their working hours, and others don't work at all. Financially, she may be able to access some payments through her superannuation scheme, worth looking into.
However, at this stage she's probably in shock and in a state of information overload. The best thing you can do at this stage is make sure she takes someone along to appointments with her to help remember what the drs say and to ask the questions that she'll forget.
When my soul sister was diagnosed last year these are the things I did to help her:
Be an ear on the phone when she needed it, went over when she needed me to (even for 10 mins)
Help her to get into a positive mindset, also helped her with her diet, looking at foods that would help boost her system etc
Food, especially for nights after she had radiation/chemo.
Yes helping with cleaning etc is brilliant, if she has a porta-cath put in, she will have problems moving her arm for a few weeks after it is put in & restricted movement for some time afterwards
Take her to the hairdresser to get a really funky short cut, it is less stressing if they lose short hair than long hair.
So sorry to hear your friend is going through this. Hugs to all of you as you help her on her journey to beat this.
You have a lot of great ideas above., I agree with making sure food is always their, and cleaning as can be done to help. Also some help with her kids getting them from A to B etc and support for them as well.
Maybe make up a pack for her with lip balms, pretty scarfs, lollies, puzzle books, some beautiful affirmations etc etc.
How to help a girlfriend through breast cancer?
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