I have some stuff going on at the moment that has me totally stressed out (as in shaky, permanent butterflies in my stomach, adrenalin production every waking moment type of stress).
I'm finding it really hard to cope with being a parent let alone to parent the way I would like too.
I don't know if I should just tell them that I'm struggling and appeal to them to behave themselves and follow house rules without being told over and over or if an admission of weakness just makes them think they can get away with pushing the boundries and makes them feel stressed because Mum isn't coping.
What do to think your kids would do? Sounds like you think they have the potential to act up in this situation. I have no experience of older kids but if you think they might calm down a bit by having a chat I'd do it.
I hope whatever's going on sorts itself out quick smart.
I do.. I have sat them down and said I am finding things tough at the moment and your behaviour at the moment isn't helping matters. I say I don't want to be that parent that yells all the time and if you could just help me out and not do silly things then I can be a much nicer and happier mum
I think it depends on how you do it. I would be fairly low key about it so as not to worry them. I tell DD1 that mummy is tired because DD2 doesn't sleep well and when I get tired, I can get grumpy so I need her to do what she's asked without fuss ie. getting dressed, putting toys away, that sort of thing.
If I can, I try to do this after she's had her bedtime story - I find because that time is distraction-free she's much more likely to absorb the msg. Oh, or in the car when she can't run off!
Good luck and hugs - it sounds like you're having a really rough time Onyx.
Sometimes when Im in a rough patch I sit down with my DS and just explain to him and he is very understanding and not that he acts up much but he tries to help a bit and he is very understanding. I also think it makes him feel important.
I do in a simple way (but mine are a bit younger), particularly if i am mid-anxiety/panic attack stuff and I also apologise a lot during this time as I tend to be very irritable and snappy with them. I tell them mummy is tired or a feeling a bit "sick" but that I am sorry and shouldn't have yelled etc. DD in particular responds well. Hope you are getting some support for your situation too hun - anxiety symptoms like you mentioned are not fun I think it also teaches them to have some empathy that the world doesn't revolve around them, that their parents are human too with many many feelings like they have and they need to be mindful of that(obviously in a simple way!)
Could you also go back over house rules and consequences with them while they are doing ok and get them to tweak some bits so they can take responsibility and if they keep misbehaving they cop their own consequences?? You can then put it back on them.
Last edited by Beach Mama; February 2nd, 2012 at 12:40 PM.
: Wow - awesome spelling for a teacher.
I would tell them. From past posts, your kids sound like respectful, good kids who love their mum so if they know you're struggling, they'll hopefully do the right thing by you. I think its also important for our kids to learn that things come along for parents too that are difficult to deal with.
I've told my girls lately (and they're substantially younger than yours I know) that I'm struggling physically and I need them to be extra good for me, tidy up without nagging, play well together etc. They've had times of playing on it when they know I can't get to them quickly enough or TBH just let it slide if its not dangerous, but most of the time they've been really good.
Onyx - I would as I think that kids are pretty cluey and generally have some insight into how things are regardless of how good a front the grown ups put on it. Perhaps keeping things simple with clear examples of behaviour that would help out will make it easier for them. I would also try and check in with them of an evening and try to positively reinforce their help.
Can you get some other help to take the pressure off? Strategies to assist with the housework/cooking etc so you can keep all that together as well as being mum?
xx
Onyx. I'm in the same position atm. I have so much on my plate and am not coping with it whatsoever. I have chosen not to tell my kids what's going on because, for one, I don't know what to tell them, and 2, I don't want them to have to worry about my well being at this time in their lives. But then my closest friends and family ahve no idea what I'm dealing with atm either.
I keep telling myself 'this too shall pass' and one day if they do ask about this time I will tell them the truth, right now they don't need to know.
I hope you are ok Onyx. Do you have anyone who can help you at all?
Sorry to hear that you are feeling that way My son may go either way. I do often tell him if I am feeling like I will explode, but sometimes it doesn't help. I don't think he would play up deliberately because I was feeling fragile but sometimes he just can't help himself. I think if I were you I would give it a try for sure. Also don't be afraid to take it easy a little bit. Let them watch some DVDs so you can have time out, or take them somewhere they can just go crazy like a play centre. I find that when I am feeling very stressed, planning my days with DS does help and especially planning activities where I know that I will be able to relax a little bit. For example we have a swimming pool here where it is shallow enough for DS to stand in and he will swim for hours if I let him, and I get a float around too. The days where we just stay home I often find very long.
You know, I've actually never considered sitting down with DD to have a conversation like this with her. I had just put that in the 'she's still too little' basket but now that I'm thinking about it maybe she's not.
They don't have to know details, or specifics - I think it could really work out well if it's done right!
Last year was beyond difficult for me, for many different reasons. But they all were a part of the same thing. They knew I wasn't coping. You only needed to look at my house half the time and you'd know. But we talked about it often. Not necessarily what I was feeling, just that I felt I wasn't coping. We found ways to keep them busy. Sure I still had to be mum, but sometimes my reactions weren't normal, or my constant state wasn't normal and they needed to know why.
I don't think they are too little. But I think it's important that they understand, so they can normalise it. And so they don't blame themselves. Everything can be made age appropriate I think. Not to the point that you are stressing them out but just enough so they can understand that you aren't yourself.
I have been reading the PET book (Parent Effectiveness Training) book and have only dibble dabbled in it but from what I have read it would suggest that you do tell them something (following PET they are never too little) - it works on the principles that you don't always have to be consistent and explanation and communication is the key. If I get chance I will find the bit that I think was relevant - I can't do it justice trying to explain - but Mayaness I know has read it and I think BellyBelly Kelly too and might be able to explain better than me.
I totally agree with never too little because if you don't treat them like little people from day dot you'll reach that moment when they aren't too little and you won't know it. I feel like its about showing them that respect too. And teaches them coping and the ability to share. But again every child is different as is every relationship.
I believe its good to let the kids know how your feeling and -to an extent, whats going on. They will know you are stressed and this will help them to sort things through in their own heads.
Im not sure if it will help with their behavior, that I think is an individual child thing and age. Im sorry you are in this situation. I hope it gets better for you soon. dont forget to breathe
I don't know myself what to say. Often I just say I am tired, sore, sick. Tiredness is very true, I have been on the verge of tears trying to get through to DD2 that she really needs to try and sleep in her own bed when the sleep deprivation has meant that I have hit a wall.
All I know is not do what my mother did which was to scream that she was about to have a nervous breakdown and it was my fault. Still to this day I am not 100% what a nervous breakdown is, so I certainly had no clue back then.
I think there has been some great advice here and I will be taking some on board myself.
i agree that it's good for kids to understand and learn about how you are feeling. You can't protect them from feelings, and in fact if you try, you are acutally subconsciously teaching them that talking about feelings is taboo.... a no no... and they will think if they feel bad they 'shouldn't' tell, or talk about it with you or anyone!
I think the best thing is to talk to your kids about how you feel, ask them to help you.... and then (if you can!!) show them healthy, grown up, ways of coping with your feelings - actually talking with them about what you are doing to help yourself feel better, gives them ideas, and tells them that they are responsible for their feelings AND that they CAN do it - just like you can.... but if they can't... they have learnt to reach out to others... and that is so important
Moderator
Do you let on when you're struggling?
My son may go either way. I do often tell him if I am feeling like I will explode, but sometimes it doesn't help. I don't think he would play up deliberately because I was feeling fragile but sometimes he just can't help himself. I think if I were you I would give it a try for sure. Also don't be afraid to take it easy a little bit. Let them watch some DVDs so you can have time out, or take them somewhere they can just go crazy like a play centre. I find that when I am feeling very stressed, planning my days with DS does help and especially planning activities where I know that I will be able to relax a little bit. For example we have a swimming pool here where it is shallow enough for DS to stand in and he will swim for hours if I let him, and I get a float around too. The days where we just stay home I often find very long.
because if you don't treat them like little people from day dot you'll reach that moment when they aren't too little and you won't know it. I feel like its about showing them that respect too. And teaches them coping and the ability to share. But again every child is different as is every relationship.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks