*Nonsensical rant ahead*
As most know my DD Sophie died last year in her sleep at 2 weeks old. My DH stayed home with me to help me cope (I was a mess and we were going through DS' ASD diagnosis). He is now at TAFE 5 days a week and I'm home alone with the 4 kids most of the time. With his commute adding up to 3 hours to his day, he only sees the kids for 2 to 3 hours a day (mostly during breakfast/dinner/ bedtime routine). DS has appointments everyday which is stressful as I don't drive and I have to take all 4 kids on the bus or rely on my grandparents to help. I have zero me time, am sleeping on average 5hrs a night and am on 100mg of zoloft a day.

We have TTC for 10 months and I'm struggling with it. I have never had to TTC before and have had 3 healthy pregnancies. Everyone keeps telling me to wait and it will happen when we're ready or feel like I'm trying to replace her. We were discussing #6 when DD was only a week old. I'm ready to give up and just go on with the ache for another child until it falls to the wayside.

I'm falling apart in public which sucks. Most people in our life (aside from family and close friends) don't even know about her. We started seeing them after she died and have never known when the right time is to bring it up. I will add these aren't friends, they're staff at my kids daycare, my son's therapists and other ASD parents.

To add to all of it a lady in the shops heard me talking to DD1 and started discussing how her kids names are similar to mine. I told her all 5 names and she looked horrified and told me I better be done having kids. It took everything in me to grab DD and move away before I broke down. I'm sick of it. My mother and SIL are having babies in the next couple months and they keep contacting me to complain about being pregnant and wanting me to be there when they have their babies as they feel it will be good for me and help me move on. I'm not close to either and am having a hard time finding a polite way to say thanks but no thanks, not interested in watching you both play happy families in the hospital where I last saw my daughter.

If you got through all this you deserve a hot cup of coffee and chocolate!