*Nonsensical rant ahead*
As most know my DD Sophie died last year in her sleep at 2 weeks old. My DH stayed home with me to help me cope (I was a mess and we were going through DS' ASD diagnosis). He is now at TAFE 5 days a week and I'm home alone with the 4 kids most of the time. With his commute adding up to 3 hours to his day, he only sees the kids for 2 to 3 hours a day (mostly during breakfast/dinner/ bedtime routine). DS has appointments everyday which is stressful as I don't drive and I have to take all 4 kids on the bus or rely on my grandparents to help. I have zero me time, am sleeping on average 5hrs a night and am on 100mg of zoloft a day.
We have TTC for 10 months and I'm struggling with it. I have never had to TTC before and have had 3 healthy pregnancies. Everyone keeps telling me to wait and it will happen when we're ready or feel like I'm trying to replace her. We were discussing #6 when DD was only a week old. I'm ready to give up and just go on with the ache for another child until it falls to the wayside.
I'm falling apart in public which sucks. Most people in our life (aside from family and close friends) don't even know about her. We started seeing them after she died and have never known when the right time is to bring it up. I will add these aren't friends, they're staff at my kids daycare, my son's therapists and other ASD parents.
To add to all of it a lady in the shops heard me talking to DD1 and started discussing how her kids names are similar to mine. I told her all 5 names and she looked horrified and told me I better be done having kids. It took everything in me to grab DD and move away before I broke down. I'm sick of it. My mother and SIL are having babies in the next couple months and they keep contacting me to complain about being pregnant and wanting me to be there when they have their babies as they feel it will be good for me and help me move on. I'm not close to either and am having a hard time finding a polite way to say thanks but no thanks, not interested in watching you both play happy families in the hospital where I last saw my daughter.
If you got through all this you deserve a hot cup of coffee and chocolate!
I've been wondering how you were going, with her birthday coming up next month I'm sorry people are poohead bumholes. I'm especially mad your mum & sister think being around them and their newbies will help you. Wth? You don't want theirs, you want yours! (Speaking from experience, obviously, but your TTC is going longer than mine did )
I'm sorry you've got so much other stressful stuff going on on top of all that, too
Thanks guys I've started the freak out about her anniversaries (birthday, deathday, funerals) and was planning on having the kids in daycare as a one off but unfortunately this year all three of these days are Saturdays. I know my family will forget her birthday and I'll be on my own emotionally. DH is not an emotional person and doesn't get why I would be upset over a day (or days).
I am working on my license and only have 3 hours left before I have to lodge my logbook so hopefully by next month I have my independence. I have started uni by distance to do my year 12 prerequisites so I can start in 2013 but am already worried about how this will play out. I have to sit DH down and really tell him how important this is to me.
I'm moving forward but just feel so overwhelmed emotionally and unsupported by family (aside from my grandparents).
I never knew what happened to your precious baby girl sophie but didnt want to ask incase i sounded insensitive. I'm so sorry you and your family have gone through that
Some people are just a$$ hats! Its nobodys business and i hate that complete strangers have to give their opinions
I don't mind talking about it LMS or being asked what happened. I do have the issue in the back of my mind that we still don't have her autopsy results yet and family asked me what if it turns out we killed her (we were cosleeping). It's a very real possibility that haunts me. I'm terrified I unintentionally killed my own daughter. DH struggled with it for a long time and honestly blamed me (so much so that when we were told there was nothing they could do, which we knew, that he told me I killed her). Every time I check the mailbox I have this sick mix of dread and hope that her autopsy results will turn up. So I can just know and stop agonizing.
Reply With Quotejust want to say you are doing an amazing job. So sorry that you have to go through this.
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It's just too much.
That lady was a *****. Huge
I've been wondering how you were going, with her birthday coming up next month
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