The Children have spoken

[Heaven]

A blog post I read this morning by 'Hands Free Mama'. I thought it was great and worth a share

The Children Have Spoken

Recently I’ve had the opportunity to speak to various groups of children about becoming an author and setting life goals. However, the minute I explain what my book is about, the topic at hand goes right out the window and a bleak reality overwhelms me like rising floodwater. When I tell the children, “My book helps people think about putting down their electronic devices to interact with the people they love,” something happens. Small hands shoot straight up in the air and eager voices beg to share their own stories. And they are not pretty. As I look into these children’s hopeful eyes and listen to their painful truths, the mother in me yearns to pull them to my chest and assure them I am listening. Although it is not possible for me to comfort them, I can make sure their voices are heard.

These are direct quotes from children living in the 21st century: “My mom is on the phone all the time. She never gets off.” “My dad has a problem putting down his phone.” “My mom texts and drives.” “My mom talks on the phone the whole time she is driving. She doesn’t even say ‘goodbye’ when I get out of the car.” “Sometimes I say something and my dad doesn’t hear me because he is typing on his phone.” “My parents are so busy with their phones that they forget to feed me and put me to bed. I am forgotten a lot of the time.”

And had I not directed the discussion back to the original topic of being an author, I am certain the children’s testimonies of excessive parental phone use would have gone on and on. Although my “Hands Free” journey is not about deciding if other people’s behavior is right or wrong, bad or good, the children’s remarks indicate there is a disturbing problem in our society. And no matter how important your occupation, no matter how valuable your clients, and no matter how critical your online communications are to your life, no one wants to think his or her child feels forgotten and neglected because of a phone. And regardless if your phone usage is rarely or never, it is worth it to consider if there is another type of distraction in the modern age that keeps you from being fully present and connecting with your loved ones.

The truth hurts, but the truth heals—and I speak from experience. Less than two years ago, my own children would have been waving both of their arms in the air desperately wanting to share their own stories of distraction neglect about ME. I am not immune to this world that the children speak about; I know it all too well. In fact, my distraction almost cost me everything I hold dear. But once I began my “Hands Free” journey and realized living distracted is not truly living, I have attempted to share this message in every way possible.
Yet after listening to the children’s testimonies, I realized my writings hadn’t even scratched the surface. While I strived to keep a positive and encouraging slant on the cost of distraction in my messages, the children didn’t mince words. They didn’t sugar coat it. They were not worried about “offending” anyone. So they told it like it is. To be that young vulnerable person ignored behind the electronic device held in a parent’s hand is far worse than I had ever described. And as small hands rose faster than I could call on them, all I could think was this: If my child were here, would she be waving her hand desperate to share her own personal experience of phone neglect that I have been too distracted to see?
I knew what I had to do. I needed to know if I had made progress over my distraction—not just in my own head, but also in the eyes of the people who mattered most. I knew my eight-year-old would tell me it to me straight. Through our “talk time” nightly ritual over the past five years, we have developed an open system of sharing where no topic is off limits. What I was about to hear from my daughter could be a potential turning point in my children’s lives that would greatly determine who they are today and the people they would eventually become.

As talk time came to a close that evening, I nervously I spit the critical questions out. “Do you think I use my phone too much? Do I have a problem putting the phone away either when we are at home or in the car?” As I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants I added, “And please be honest. I won’t be upset no matter what you say.”
And then I waited.

Her eyes rolled upward as if she was thinking back to every single day of her life. She was giving it real thought, not just telling me what I wanted to hear. After sitting there for what seemed like agonizing hours, she opened her mouth and said, “You talking on the phone is rare … rare, rare, rare, rare.” She said rare exactly five times. I counted, thanking God each and every time. Then she added, “In the past year, I can only remember you using the phone one time in the car. You called Daddy and said, ‘We need lice killing shampoo! Please stop at Walgreens and get some!’ But that was pretty much an emergency.’”
I began laughing at her incredible memory, and I couldn’t stop. I laughed so hard, I fell over in a relieved heap upon the pillows that lined her bed. And suddenly I realized I was not just laughing, I was also crying. Tears of happiness rolled down my cheeks as I grabbed my child and pulled her into my arms.

And in my mind were these three words: There IS hope. There is hope. Why? Because the woman who now “RARELY” uses the phone in the presence of her family was the woman who once thought nothing of having a phone glued to her ear she drove her children, and thought nothing of checking emails while stopped at stoplights, and thought nothing about the ramifications of the constant dinging and ringing on the peaceful well-being of her family life.
And above all there is hope because the woman, who now RARELY uses her phone, is the same person who at the height of her distracted life, inadvertently blew through a red light and almost left her children motherless.
If there is hope for me, friends, there is hope for anyone. Even the minorly-distracted. Even the majorly-distracted. And even the ones in between.

The children have spoken. Are we listening? Because if we are, there is hope.

[OceanPrincess]

Love it. I need to put my phone down more. Might be time to institute a ban - no phone while kids are awake. Calls only. Maybe

[kelebek]

Yes.... I needed that reminder - thanks


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Liviam]

What an awesome article!! Great reminder!!

[CeCe]

My phone use while DS is awake has been troubling me now he's becoming aware of it. I think I'm going to show this to DH because I think we both need to review our actions here.

[Cranky Kitten]

I think "phone" can also be substituted for "laptop", "TV", "game console" or any other device that we may find ourselves spending an unhealthy amount of time concentrating on. I know in the past I have been guilty of ignoring DD in favour of online chatting and other activities on my laptop and had to really restrict myself to just after she'd gone to bed. It was hard coming to the realisation that the message I'd been giving her was that the laptop was more interesting and important to me than she was.

We'd gotten slack lately with our usual rule of dinner time on weekends being family time, where we eat at the table and talk to each other. Time to get back in the habit I think!

[LuluHB]

That's me too CK. I'm one of those weirdos that only uses the phone to make a call - bizarre I know - but I'm shocking with my laptop, especially at the moment given I'm not able to do much else but sit around.

Definitely time to step back a bit from it.

[~*familyof3*~]

I love this.

[Kazzo]

Great read. I hate phones, I very rarely have my mobile on me. When I go out, my phone is in my bag, not my hand (where it really surprises me to see so many can't even put them away), not in my pocket. I will never put my phone on a table during a meal and I will never answer it during a meal, unless the caller is persistant which makes me think it must be important. I also don't use it in the car and if I need to I pull over.
I have started studying and now I spend a lot more time on the laptop then I would like and I have to constantly stop myself from straying but if either of my girls calls for my attention then they get it. I try to limit my study time to there rest/nap times now only but can't always fit it in. I try my best and love little reminders like this to keep me going.

[ss_storm]

Interesting article! DD has taken to screeching at me "put mummy's phone away" anytime she sees me with it..good deterrent..lol. I do try to limit usage to when she is occupied doing other things or in bed, but sometimes just can't avoid taking/making phone calls when she is there, so sometimes it's not so helpful! This would be a great article for DF to read I think, seems like he is always on his iPad, and I have told him so many times I wish he would just put it down more often!

[jackrose]

Great point. I am not on the phone much but it is a very timely reminder to get off the computer.

[Shanti]

Great article, a good reminder. I am very aware of using my mobile while the kids are around me. I quite often leave it on silent in another room and then check on it when I get a spare minute when the kids are busy playing.

Does this count for when your breastfeeding your little one to sleep I wonder?! I sometimes feel a wee bit guilty but then she's asleep/sleepy so probably doesn't care!!

[luna moth]

I really love this. I went on a holiday last year with three other families and we were out of phone reception. No biggie, we all had a great time. Then about 6 days in, we came back into phone reception, and I witnessed a mass disconnection of parents from their kids. It was really shocking to watch, and I felt really guilty, because I knew I was guilty of doing the same. So I made a conscious effort to unplug. It is so important to be conscious of it.

[beckoes]

Great. and very relative to a huge majority of us, even if we dont want to admit it!

DD1 played a game once, and as she explained how i was ment to play along my heart sank and i swore i would change how she saw me....''Mummy, you be the child and il be the mummy, and il be on the computer sending messages, and you say you want to play and i say IM TOO BUSY, so you go and sit in the corner and cry''

She felt like that!!!!!! GUTTED!! So i have half an hour in the computer in the morning, while i eat my breakfast and get my head ready for the day. i might pop to check an email or message for a few seconds if needed in the day and once the kids are in bed its my time. If i find myself on the computer for more than five minutes in the day all i have to do is think of that story and im off in no time!!!!!

[Shanti]

oooh Beckoes that is heartbreaking to hear!! I bet you felt terrible! Isn't it amazing how they can role play what is really happening in their lives? I will think of your story too every time I 'consider' grabbing my phone to check a message.

I once saw a father at swimming lessons (he was actually Mark Occilupo you know the surfer? now retired I think?) anyway he was watching his son's swimming lessons BUT he wasn't really as every time I looked up at him (I thought it was pretty cool that it was him there at the pool LOL) I was so annoyed for his son because he was ALWAYS either on the phone making a call or texting someone. I really felt for his son.

[onthefly]

oh yeah. i catch myself doing this sometimes. part of the reason I do not own a smart phone.

[misty]

facebook, for me. easily accessible from phone or computer and a massive distraction.

[Sterla]

Thank you for posting this. Thank you for the reminder .

I'll be keeping the laptop closed and my phone on silent more often.