This morning I was eating breakfast and watching tv, and there was a report about Maddie McCann. DS was in the room and asked about the little girl on tv. Without thinking I said "She was kidnapped'. He said "What's kidnapped?" and it all snow balled from there. I have completely freaked my boy out . He is convinced he is going to get taken by a stranger. Or maybe even by someone he knows, because in my clumsy attempt to explain things I managed to make him believe he could even get kidnapped by our next door neighbour (was trying to convey that not all strangers are bad, and not all people we know are 'safe' if you get what I mean).
So.. how did you/would you explain stranger danger to your little one? How much detail did you give? DS is 4 - very smart but his brain works overtime. He has not let me out of his sight today - he even sat in the girls bedroom while I was cleaning the windows because he was scared a stranger might come into the house. Help me fix this mess I have created
Gee it is such a fine line isn't it? We've had issues about people stealing babies/kids thanks to the movie Tangled. We talked about being safe with Mum/Dad and carers - so when at childcare and other designated people.
Try to keep it simple and ask him what he is worried about rather than trying to pre-empt his issues as you may be overthinking it. I'd also make a point of saying that you are able to answer any questions he may have at any time, ITMS?
I taught my daughter protective behaviours at around that age. Things like what to do if someone tells her to get into a car or offers her a ride, offers her lollies etc. What to do if someone is acting strangely or making her feel unsafe - we also talked about who it was ok to go to for help, that it was ok to yell, struggle and say no if something didn't feel right and that kind of thing. Keep it simple, but it helps give him ways of feeling safe and knowing what to do if something feels wrong.
I'd also second asking what in particular has him worried or scared and trying to address this as best you can.
Psychologist Debrah Shulman said: "It's foolish to pretend to children that dangers do not exist. Children are aware of their vulnerability and are naturally concerned about their own safety. It's part of a parent's job to give them the tools to deal with danger realistically. If presented honestly and positively such information will not threaten children, it will reassure them." Yes, we have to talk to them about it.
I am only going on how i was taught when i was little, but my mum pretty much warned me that SOME strangers (even people i know) may try to take me or behave innappropriately and that i have every right to just scream as loud as i can and run away. She also just told me to follow my instincts and if i didnt feel comfortable to leave/run/tell someone. She also always said that Dad and Her would always try and protect me.
Maybe you can try reassuring DS that its not common that it happens but you want him to be prepared and aware because you love him so much...Maybe try and go through an action plan with him if something was to happen so he feels like he is in control.
We tried the more positive and proactive approach here too.
I have NEVER told Charlotte "Don't talk to strangers", I hate that she should feel unsafe simply at the sight of someone, and I don't agree with it. She speaks to strangers all the time - the old lady in the supermarket, the postman when he comes to the door, the older child and his father in the park... There are occurances everyday where it IS ok to speak to strangers, so I am not comfortable with the fear blanket approach.
Charlotte knows that there are no secrets from mum and dad. Ever. That nobody should ask her to keep anything secret from mum and dad and if they do then she knows it is wrong. She knows not to talk food from strangers, that she should never go anywhere with anyone, without telling mum or dad first.
We teach her her address, our Christian names, she can identify herself if she is lost and she knows to speak to another mummy with children with her if she is lost or in trouble and can't find mum or dad.
Charlotte knows that nobody else is allowed to touch her body and she knows that if anyone tries to touch her she is to scream as load as she can and run away.
Charlotte knows there are bad people who do bad things, but I refuse to let her live in a bubble of anxiety and fear of anyone unknown.
We've told the girls that they shouldn't go anywhere with anyone other than Mum, Dad, Gran or Grandad unless they're at school, in which case you add in their teacher. I agree with LS in not agreeing with a blanket don't talk to strangers. I don't believe that level of caution is required, especially given that the majority of awful things that happen to children are done by people that are known to them.
We have told them that there could never, ever be anything so bad that they couldn't tell us, and that it doesn't matter what anyone else says to them, we will never ever be cross with them for telling us something. Over the last year or so I'm starting to address the issue of not being naked around others (not us - everybody's a "nudie rudie" in our house), that we don't touch other people's bodies etc, and that if anyone does anything to them they don't like they should yell and scream as loud as they can.
I have a friend who has oldler children - 7 and 9 - and she has given them a secret word. Basically nobody but her, her parents and her children know it, not even close friends, and her kids know that no matter who it is, unless they know the magic word then the child is not to go with them.
There was a book at the library that I saw about strangers but for some stupid reason I didn't borrow it. I have no idea what it was called though. I find my kids often understand more through books leading the discussion. Hopefully someone will know the book I am talking about?
Thanks so much for your replies girls! Jsut as I thought he would, he came into our room last night saying that he thought there was a man standing at his window. DH ended up sleeping in his room for a while, but today DS hasn't mentioned it, so over the next few days we will just spend a bit of time making sure he feels ok, and then we will have a talk to him about it - without frightening the living daylights out of him.
Tinks - I was exactly the same as you! We had a policeman come to our school and do a talk. It was around the time of some kidnappings (Mr Baldy/Mr Cruel? Something along those lines in our area) and he absolutely terrified me. 25 years on I still have flash backs of that policeman and what he said
LS - DS is the same as Charlotte. He talks to everyone. He is the kid that will come up to you at the supermarket and ask you why you have toilet paper in your trolley. I love it that he is not shy like me, so I don't want to stop him doing that. And I also realise most of the time the danger doesn't come from 'strangers' but people you actually know, so I really like the ideas in your post.
Thanks again girls for your ideas - will put them into action in a gentle, non-scary way . I like the idea of a book too so I might ask at the library, or get the girls from my old work to find something for me.
This is such a hard area to address. But I would think part of the fear for them would be feeling helpless / unable to do anything. As someone else said, maybe go through some practical things that he can do if he was in a situation.
I often discuss with my DD what to do if she gets lost (I tell her to find a mum with kids) I figure of all the people out there thats her safest bet. As she gets older I am finding I am having to give reasons, why mummy needs to be able to see you all the time at the shops or whatever, but finding when we talk about what she can do if something goes wrong it helps her process it.
We had an incident today where her Kindy teacher had told the kids to keep it secret that they were making mothers day presents. My poor DD lost it tonight, because she wanted to tell me, but thought she was going to get in trouble from her teacher for telling me the secret. But it was a good teaching moment, as I was able to guess what the secret must have been I was able to tell her that she wasn't going to get in trouble for telling me. It scared me though, how easy someone in authority could make her keep a secret. So I think talking about it is better then leaving them uninformed.
mrscriket: I hope your DS is feeling better about it now.
This is such a great thread. I'm at the stage now of educating my DD1 about strangers and how not everybody is a 'safe' person. Never to walk off with someone you don't know, to yell or scream 'stop' of someone grabs you etc....
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Stranger Danger.. without freaking them out
. He is convinced he is going to get taken by a stranger. Or maybe even by someone he knows, because in my clumsy attempt to explain things I managed to make him believe he could even get kidnapped by our next door neighbour (was trying to convey that not all strangers are bad, and not all people we know are 'safe' if you get what I mean).
. I like the idea of a book too so I might ask at the library, or get the girls from my old work to find something for me.
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