[ADVICE] Would you live separately from your husband for an extended period of time?
The issue we have is DH is currently studying IT at TAFE and his lecturers told them yesterday that there is no work here anymore really. Most of the the students will need to move for work. We are seeing this first hand as one of DH's friends did the course last year and cannot find work in the field without moving to a larger city down south.
DS is currently doing speech therapy, occupational therapy and apart of an Early Childhood Development Program that is literally changing his life. We have been on waiting lists for these for a while and the money comes out of our FAHCSIA funding (which runs out when DS is 7). My fear is if we move for DH's work we will go to the bottom of waitlists (some of which can be extensive) and DS will regress. He also takes ages to click with people and I hate to think that he might not 'click' with someone new.
I suggested DH move if he gets a job offer in an area we agree on (pretty much Victoria or parts of NSW) and the kids and I will go down when DS is ready for school (2014). I assume DH could find share housing close to work and public transport to save money for us to move. He could also come up during the year. I'm just so unsure what to do here. It seems silly that we spent all this money and DH's hard work for him to have a diploma he can't use.
Hmmm. No I don't think it's crazy. I was recently chatting to a friend, she just had a baby, her DP is ADF and she hardly gets to see him. She moved to QLD from Melbourne when pregnant because that's where he was based, and now she has no family support, no boyfriend, just her. So she's been thinking about moving back to Melbourne. Every family is different. How would you go though, with 4 kids and one on the way by yourself? If you think you could handle it, I don't think it's crazy. After all, like you said, what's the point of all of this studying if DH won't use his degree?
A completely different situation but my DH went away for work for 3 months and it was horrible. He left ADF to be around when we started a family so when he had to go away it was really difficult on all of us. I have 2 older kids too and it was still hard! lol.
I definitely know I could never do it for an extended period of time. Not that I rely on my husband or anything, but the extra parenting person helps more than I ever thought possible.
Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. things to think about is I'm assuming your DH enjoys what he is studying and wants to use his diploma and its in a field he loves. that would help him being away, would that satisfaction make up for being back with your guys but not working in a job he enjoys itms..
DH and I have been doing a long distance relationship for a fair part of our relationship. I've been trying to work out actually how long but it has been about 50%/50%, I have had to work away, we have though never been more than 3 hours away from eachother (the furthest was when we first started dating and we were in different cities because I was doing my midwifery), since then the furthest has only been 2 hours, so it was possible for me to come home on my days off (simply put 'weekends' even though most of the time it was during the week).
It is hard. communication is the big thing...you have to remember to keep talking to eachother, probably more than you would if you were there everyday. we talk on the phone atleast twice a day, and txt msg eachother all the time (normally only limited by the fact he is driving all day)
we don't have little kids though (yet), so that would change things too, and is a side I have no experience in.
I personally think maintaining your DS's program is really important...and should be a priority. but thats something you guys need to decide.
I hope I helped...Its a bit early and Spock is taking all my brain cells, but if there is any specific questions or anything let me know =) I'd love to help you out.
Talk to the people who are doing his therapy. You never know there might be a way for the funding to go with you, stranger things have happened
It is a hard one to call. If you have support where you are it might be worth staying until the baby is born. The other thing is he has to get a job forst and foremost. This could take time.
Is there anyway he could do another course related to IT until you are all ready to move?
I wouldn't do it. We decided to stay where we are currently although my H had a better job offer elsewhere just so our son could continue with his current therapists. Then the plan is to move together and try to find the best school options for our son then. I think breaking your family up like that would negate the positives of keeping your son in therapy.
Thats the other thing. think about what you NEED and want when your little one is born. Things you might not think you do, but being where more people are to help and support you would be the best thing (as feelings etc.. re: Sophie may come up) (sorry to assume, but I imagine it is/going to be hard...) ...please tell me if i'm out of line...
I've done it. Its hard. Really hard, but personally, for me having a break from ex was worth it.
I would not move DS while you have whats working for you. Its not worth it to start all over again, especially when DS doesn't just work with anyone. Especially when you never know how long its going to take to restart it all again.
I would also see if DH can do something else til you're ready to move. & have all your referrals & appointments ready when you go.
I could never live apart though, we miss each other enough just during the day and life is so short... but I understand how impotant early intervention is, I'm not sure what we would do if faced with the possibility of moving away from DD1's health professionals... can you talk to them and find out what can happen if you move? Otherwise I think in our case DP would work some other job or continue study till we could all move in 2014.
My BIL worked in the mines for a while - 2 weeks on, 1 week off type thing. When he came home, his DD had forgotten him (she was probably about 12 months at the time) and by the time she would be getting comfortable with him again, he would have to leave. His DS (2.5yo) also started using a toy as a comforter that he never did before. He ended up quitting & getting a different job where he could be home more with his family.
I'll try and address everyone but bare with me, I'm operating before a coffee here.
DH loves the work, completely and utterly loves it. Short of doing uni, I don't think there's higher for him to go and DH is hesitant to do uni (he has attempted two different degrees and not made it past first year). DH is working his butt off to do well (currently in the top 2% of his class) so I would hate for him to not get to use it. He will finish this course around Speck's due date.
DS' funding is recognizable Australia wide but wait lists vary and what is available to him here may not be available in XYZ.
I have a lot of family close by (within a 15 minute drive) that would be willing to help out and even my BIL and SIL across the road.
Terirae definitely not out of line at all. I worry about that too and I think there's a lot to consider there.
The kids love dad and I would hate for them to miss out on time with him (and him with them). I think I might discuss other options with DH when he gets home tonight and weigh the pros and cons together.
I understand about the lack of jobs thing - my DH would love to move up north as he is a scuba instructor but there's just nothing for me up there, I work in IT. It's all happening in Melbourne... so I get that.
Really tough. I don't have a child with special needs or in therapy so I can't really comment on that, but I have to agree with some of the other comments about would breaking up your family negate the benefits of staying in therapy?
I think you should talk to your therapist/counsellor/case worker/whatever the right person is Melbourne/Sydney are not small places, you might be surprised that you can get yourself sorted. Don't know.
As for the bonds your DS has made, well that's a bit harder... short term pain for long term gain?? Not sure, and sorry if that is insensitive - like I said, I'm not in that situation. He will be making new bonds in 2014 anyway, if you all move.
Don't forget - as important as your son is, your relationship with your husband is also important. If you thought maybe a break would be beneficial for you, then great. But if your relationship is all good then it'll be really hard on both of you, as adults and husband and wife. I understand making sacrifices for your kids, but you need to weigh up the costs. I couldn't do it, I need my husband too much.
Ok so speck is due in December 2012? So your DH realistically be looking for work at the start of 2013? So saying that got something and relocated it would be 12 months maximum as I'm assuming you would want to relocated yourself and settled in before your DS starts school in 2014? You would probably want to be there for transition time in Oct/Nov 2013.
That is probably a max of 9 months apart if you think about it like that. I think I could cope with that especially if he came back say once a month. If you do a schedule and plan it I think it would be doable and I wouldn't want to disrupt DS more than once in a transition. He will be disrupted with a school start anyway so will it be worse to have a big move all at once with relocating, school and new support, or a series of disruptions?
Without being in your situation, I can say No, I wouldnt live away from my DH. He travels for work and we both it hate when he's away. We've been through too much to be without each other. No-one else can understand what we've been through except for each other. Life is too short to spend that much time away from each other.
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[ADVICE] Would you live separately from your husband for an extended period of time?
Melbourne/Sydney are not small places, you might be surprised that you can get yourself sorted. Don't know.
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