Hi, I have a 15 month old daughter who has been having tantrums for quite some time now but they seem to be getting longer and worse. Me and my partner are currently living with his parents, temporarily until early next year but have been here since she was born.
My solution to the tantrums is to ignore her, not give eye contact or touch until she is done, but that is almost impossible to do when there are others around. They touch her, talk to her and it seems to make it worse and make the tantrums go longer and they make me feel like an absolute nazi or bad mother for ignoring her in the first place.
I would just like to ask for advice... am I doing the right thing? And if I am what are some tips on how I could explain to everyone else in the house to get on board with this.
Extremely frustrated
Hi allyice, my theory with tantrums has always been to ignore them. Your DD is still very young, so I would be offering a distraction such as 'would you like to come over here and have a cup of water?' and if she doesn't respond and continues the tanty I would follow up with 'well, I'm just going to go over here and have a drink. You can come over and have some water when you're ready'. I think it's important at her age to stay within sight but to ignore the tantrum.
Are you and your DH able to sit down with your IL's and explain to them that this is how you have decided to deal with your DD's tantrums and that you would like them to deal with it in the same way?
It is up to you to choose the way you want to parent your daughter. Your partner needs to be in agreeance and you both need to ask the other people in the house to respect your wishes as her parents and help you out with your method.
Would it be easier to gently remove her to a quiet room and stay with her - but not really interact with her. That way she doesn't get in the way of the other other people in house - and you ensure that no one interferes with your 'leave her alone' style.
If the tantrums are getting worse you might want to rethink your approach. Have you read any of Pinky McKays books. Sometimes other people's experiences can help and she does have a lovely gentle style of parenting. Then you can easily say to family - 'this is the way we are going to do it - the book says so'!
Nothing will help my DD in a tantrum so I just ignore her. When she seems like she is starting to calm down, I ask her if she want's a cuddle. If she's not ready, the tantrum spikes again. If she is ready she will come to me for a cuddle. She doesn't do it much when other people are around but if she does, I just explain to them that she will have a cry and get over it in her own time regardless of what we do or say.
DS was different. He responded well to cuddles as a way to reduce the length or severity of the tantrum. I would say to him "do you need a cuddle?" He would nod, have a cuddle then be fine.
Given your description I think she is more like my DD and despite their best intentions, your IL's are making things worse. The only thing you can do is explain it to them that way. Unless your DD is hurting herself, there's no harm in letting her have a little cry to get her frustrations out. It is also teaching her to get in control of her own emotions in a safe place.
Me and my partner are usually in agreeance but after a while he gets confused if whether or not were doing is the right thing and will then cave in pick her up while id rather just stick it out because knowing from when im on my own with her she always stops.
Weve talked to his inlaws about it and they seem to agree too but will usually talk to her or just ignore us and pick her up after a while. I just feel extremely frusterated because im with her the most and know when its just a tantrum but when everyone else is around everyone makes me feel like im the bad person who ignores my child.
Feel like im about to crack... i may just have to talk to everyone again one on one to tell them how i feel.
I've been through this with my inlaws.
I'd try talking to them about the subject in general then asking them what they think to do, and if its different (and it sounds like it) explain your ideas and then say nicely but firmly, this is what we want to do. Lets try our way for.... (3mths?) and see if it helps (any time frame really)
My mil doesn't care, she'll do her way and happily undermine us. Fil can see our reasons but if it got too bad he would try distractions.
I also removed tantruming child from the room. It was better.
i have sympathyfor you! i lived my parents with my DH and DD from the time she was 5 months till 20 months and the way my parents tried to involve themselves in the way i disciplined DD use to drive me crazy! i believe what you are doing is fine and also like someone else said 'distraction distraction distraction'! stick to your guns about discipling your little one and i use to make it very clear that i was her parent and that when me or DH were there they were not to interrupt whether they agreed or disagreed with what i was doing. it used to make the situation so much worse and DD would then play me off against them. We did have one huge arguement over this but at the end of the day i just had to make it clear that i did not want to hear their opinion on it because it was completely opposite to my parenting beliefs. good luck and keep remembering there is light at the end of the tunnel if you are getting your own place! once you move its like it never happened!
Temper tantrums and living with inlaws
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