don't know how to take the next step

[doll]

I moved into the spare bedroom a few weeks/months ago.

We have completely stopped communication except to do with the kids, and 'how was your day?' and talking about practicalities of daily life. When the kids go to bed, I go into 'my' lounge room and he goes into his. This is the extent of our relationship and has been for as long as I can remember.

We tried counselling, he said he loves me, I told him I am not getting anything emotionally or physically from him and I am not prepared to live as house mates for the rest of my life. He agreed things weren't ideal. Counselor gave us ideas and things to try to improve the situation. We didn't do any of them. Nothing has changed.

I have felt like this periodically over the 8 years we have been together. He refuses to really talk about anything and seems okay to live like this. I am not okay with it, but am living with it, for the sake of the kids I guess.

I am getting to the point where I am angry all the time at home, I'm angry with the kids, angry at my situation, I'm lonely, I'm teary, I feel like I'm on the brink of an emotional breakdown... I am too scared to tell my family for fear of their reaction. I have left before for a few days and then gone back.

I have the resources to rent a house and move out. I am just overwhelmed with how to do it. What about all the stuff? There's so much that goes into a house, like plates, dishes, sheets, beds - I know this is all stuff that doesn't really matter but moving a 3 & 6 year old into a new house, I need to have stuff so that life can go on.

I don't know where to turn or what to do next. I am racked with guilt tearing my family apart because I am not happy. I want more out of life than a room mate. I am so scared and emotional and can't eat. I feel like I know what I want to do, but cannot function properly to actually do it. He won't leave, so it means I have to take my kids from our family home and move into another house. It kills me to do this, but at the same time I know it has to be this way, as I would be too sad to stay in this house.

The kids love him and he adores them. He is a good dad. We are just not right together and I feel I have completely lost sense of who I am. I feel so neglected. I haven't been hugged, kissed, or cared for in what feels like forever.

Any advice or comments appreciated.

[danita]

No advice but couldn't read and not post. The situation doesn't sound right for you. I wanted to offer you some hugs.

[RhiChiChi]

I don't have any advice but wanted to come in and offer support and plenty of hugs. There are a few members that have been faced with this type of situation, hopefully they can give you some advice on what to do.

[~TT40~]

just wanted to offer hugs. it must be hard.
I have no advice but there are plenty of fantastic women on here who will have.
xoxo

[shellbell3]

You sound where I was not all that long ago, my ex and I did the whole flat mate thing for about 8 months. It wasn't ideal, I didn't know how to go. I didn't want the kids thinking it was normal either for a home to run like that.
Finally I took the leap and left, it was hard I won't lie but its a year since I moved out and I'm so much better for it.
I moved back closer to my parents, the kids adjusted to new area, school etc.
Centrelink couldn't help me til I'd signed a lease, that was biggest problem luckily for me we agreed for me to take money out of the mortgage we had to pay first month rent and bond for my new place then once that was in place I could set up centrelink. You can apply for seperated under one roof but the form is quite long.
As for belongings, take the big stuff, washing machine, dryer, fridge, then all your stuff and kids stuff, we devided plates etc but really you can buy $12 dinner sets at kmart, I wouldn't worry too much bout small stuff.
Will your ex help you through the move?
As for the guilt, well I still do feel guilty at times. I get my eldest saying she wants us all to live together but I do know its better now having everyone getting along than living in a home of tension and unhappiness.
Feel free to ask me any other questions.

[MLR1901]

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation.
Maybe you both have got lost in being parents and other roles that you both don't know who you are anymore?
It doesn't sound like its completely gone, just off track.

Have you tried, to just spend time together alone? Not all the time but say once a week to start off with. Maybe this time could be spent not talking about anything but each other. Tell him how you are feeling, vice versa. Guys are sometimes clueless!
My parents started off like this, and eventually my mum realised she had lost herself (there were and still are, other issues) but she kept telling my dad everything was fine. So he took it as that.
He still regrets not taking time out to work on stuff. 20+ years later.

[doll]

Its been empty and ordinary for so long I think I have passed the point of wanting to try and make things work.... I have told him how I feel, and spelled out what I want together with the counsellor, like more attention, some text messages, some nights to go out for dinner etc, but he just doesn't do any of it. I think actions speak stronger than words.

I feel like our relationship could continue just as it is, with us living separately... does that make any sense? I think we could still go to family events together, still maybe catch up with the kids. I just don't want to live together under the one roof. I want time to myself to be me and not feel like I have to 'ask' for that time. I want to go do new things and meet new people. I am 33 and still feel very young. I don't want to settle for this life just because we have kids together.

It freaks me out to think of being on my own when it will be his turn for the kids, and it freaks me out to think of him with a new partner down the track... but I basically feel like I am on my own now anyway - I don't have anyone to confide in, anyone to talk to, to comfort me, I keep how I feel to myself. Surely if I were to live on my own it wouldn't be that different, and at least I would have the chance to meet someone new, even just as a friend.

If I left I would have to do it without telling him, while he is at work or something. I have told him recently that I've found a place to rent and want to move out if things don't get better. I don't think he takes it seriously. I can't talk to him about anything, we are so disconnected...

I feel like maybe some time ago I was in the state of mind to want to try try try to work things out, but now I am just worn down and tired of it all and feel like I am over it, and he has had plenty of time to put in some effort himself but hasn't. He is probably very comfortable with me and the kids and this family sort of life. He is probably hoping I just get over my unhappiness and get on with it, as I have done in the past. I just wish he would admit that its over and we could work out a joint solution together, rather than me running away in the night.

[fionas]

My ex partner and I were in this limbo land for quite some time and we finally made the decision to split in January. He's moving out in April.

Now that we've made the decision, I can tell you that the stage you're in is the hardest especially when the other party is happy to remain in limbo land.

I think the worst thing about your situation is that you have no-one to talk to. Go to your GP and arrange to see a counsellor - especially as the worry is affecting how you function day-to-day. Talk it through with them. Just being able to get things off your chest is massively helpful rather than keeping the worries in your head.

This is a bit left field but I'd also recommend you watch a series on the ABC called Making Couples Happy - you can watch it on iview. It's about couples who are having serious relationship issues. I've watched it after making the decision to split and it kind of confirmed that decision. It may go the other way for you and you might learn things that would be worth trying in a last ditch attempt.

[terry]

I was in your situation with my ex husband where we basically co existed inthe house but minus the kids. I thought that I was holding things together pretty well and that nobody knew how unhappy I was. Once I decided to leave my family was amazing they were there for me every step of the way. Your family probably knows your not happy but they don't interfere until you tell them what's going on.

As for the kids they will adjust but it will take time. If your happy they will be happy. I won't lie there will be times when you feel lonely but eventually when you start living your life the way you want the loneliness will pass. I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do and just remember you are stronger that you think

[Butterfly Dawn]

I understand your situation.

If your ready to finish it, to really go you'll feel it.

May I ask why you would do it while he's at work? are you worried about something?

I would suggest talking with a lawyer, just so you know how the land lies and what's ok / not ok. With kids involved its always a good thing to know.

Then I would talk with your hubby. Give him a finally chance, and a timeframe to do.something in.

If he blows it, then take your time and get everything together.
Like pp said, if your going to move out, and you have the kids, take the big ticket -need to have stuff. Washing machine, fridge etc.

You will need to know what you can take and what you will need to buy.

It feels huge but can be a great way to de-clutter and start fresh.

I'm about to do a similar thing
Scary but liberating too

[Cass72]

My opinion is quite the opposite to those who have already posted replies. I apologise in advance if I offend anyone with my thoughts/words.

Personally, I think it would be really selfish (and cruel) of you to move out when he's at work or away from home. If you are both so emotionally disconnected from each other as you say, then you should be able to sit down and discuss it together. Obviously if the reason you would do that (move out when he is away) is a fear of violence or self harm then maybe you should seek help.

My brother was hit severly from left field by a very similar situation with his ex-wife. He had just come home from deployment and during that time he was away she decided that she wanted more. Okay, he's my brother, so I'm probably heaping more of the blame on her and well, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. But... he was completely caught off guard when she had been clearly planning this for months and talking to friends about it rather than talking to him.

Could it be that your husband was happy for you to move into the spare room because he's trying to give you the space that he thinks you need/want? He still loves you and is willing to have you any way he can - even if that is a flatmate. Having you in the same house gives him hope.

Ask yourself honestly, do you still love him? Not can you live without him (I know I could live without my husband, but I certainly don't want to live without him). If you don't love him and you do want to move on then you should do it openly. Tell him you don't love him. Tell him you want to move on.

Then, ask yourself, why do you feel the need to take the kids and move to a new area? Have you thought of getting a small flat nearby for yourself and leave the kids with your husband or, vice versa - you stay in the family home and he moves into a nearby small flat so he can see the kids and get to share the day to day stuff? You could take the time to date, reconnect. Take pleasure in each others company. Remind him of who you were (and still are).

What made you want to be with him in the first place? Is it just that you are tired of what your life has become. Do you want to do something. Have some time for yourself. Study? Work? Take up a hobby? You sound a little isolated and lost.

[Gigi]

Sorry you are going thru this, i been there, and got the tshirt too. Left two years ago.

I cannot second ENOUGH the "take the big ticket items thang", i was stuck in the low self esteem, and the "being fair, divide it in half" mentality - which has bitten me.

Think instead when you make your list of what to take, what do i need to set up a family home?
i LEFT a good fridge, thinking i couldn't take washer AND fridge - but i needed both in reality.

With all the "stuff", start doing that now. Room by room.
example
bathroom
take two good towels for each person, bathmats, lots of flannels, esp with tiny kids.

kitchen
a full set of plates. Yes you can buy this stuff cheaply at kmart, but if there is no violence and you can pack in safety, you might have plates you like, or got for special present, that you want to take.

as someone else said, it is a good time to have a sort out. We had been living with non-matching everything for many many years, got given one cheap plate set, which stayed in the box. I decided just to take the boxed set, felt liberting.

I would discuss with legal professional, about YOU staying in the house.
No idea if you are renting or buying your present house, but breakup is huge for the kids, if you could stay in the same house, at least that is a number of changes, they WON"T have to go through.

Or are you worried about getting him to agree, to HIM leaving? I remember thinking that, as i knew, my ex would have no money to set himself up anywhere else (never saves any money for Emergencies). But miraculously, within a week of me going, he managed to buy a washing machine and vaccum cleaner out of the blue, so i guess when a person wants something badly enough, they get it done.

i stayed for so many years, hoping things would improve. Hoping he would go to counselling with me. Hoping one day he would love me enough to change. Hoping that one day he would realise i was serious about leaving. He didn't get it, UNTIL i left. And even now, two years later, he has not once asked me "why?" and "what could we do to work on this?". Yet he has told my DD stuff he shouldn't say, which leaves her very confused. I was very patient, made all sorts of excuses, as i did not want our child to grow up in two homes. It's so hard to leave, somehow, you end up feeling like the bad guy.

The living under same roof whilst separated form is long, but you can do it. Without that, i would never have been able to pay for the moving out stuff. So many expenses came up to do with moving, things i never imagined.

If you want to keep "moving day" a secret, be wary of the Australia Post service for forwarding mail. That is how my ex found out when my moving day was. They send you junkmail to your old address BEFORE the forwarding service comes into effect, and enough info on the front of the envelope, so that whoever empties the letterbox, can guess, that you are moving. So thanks alot Australia Post, for your "discretion". Just my luck, ex had a day off work and got to the letterbox before me.

[doll]

Thank you for all of your replies...

I told my husband I am tired of being unhappy and our relationship isn't right, with me living in the spare bedroom, nothing more between us than room mates, its all stuff I have said before. He said nothing. He just sat and listened and said nothing. It is very hard to go through something this major with someone who even refuses to agree that there is a problem. Its all me. He won't talk about it, so if I want to move out I just have to do it. I know he is upset, but he won't talk. I feel I have made my mind up. I want to be on my own, at least then I am in a space where if someone came along I could go for coffee or be friends etc. At the moment I just feel like a live in maid/mother. I am extremely upset and emotional at the thought of it all ending, more so for him than myself. When I look to the future and imagine myself living with my kids and having my own life, it gives me hope. I know its going to be hard and I'm going to be lonely at times, but at least my life will be my own, and I will be responsible for my own happiness, I am not sure if that makes sense.

The way our relationship is, I can't see anything preventing us from still doing things as a family, still catching up for tea, or still waking up in the same house for Easter etc.... but as for me as my own person, as a woman, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't hug me, show he cares about me, talks to me, kisses me etc. I can't just solely be a mum and nothing more. I feel incredibly guilty for wanting to look after my own interests, instead of his. I know he loves our children dearly and I've told him he will still see them all the time. I'm sure he wishes I would just get over it and get on with life and carry on, like I have done so many others times over the years.... but this time I just feel different, I just think if I fast forward to a few months down the track, I will be happy.

I keep telling myself that people split up all the time, and if you are not happy then to sort it out and stop being miserable. I still feel so awful about it though. I just wish he would be realistic and talk to me about it, instead of me being the awful irrational person that is breaking up the family for no reason - which is how he is acting.

[nothing2lose]

I have to be brief as I am on my phone but there is one dynamic you haven't mentioned. It's not a reason to stay in an unhappy relationship but it is something you need to think ahead about IMO.

There will be a time when you and/or him will be in another relationship and likely have children with another person. Almost always the relationship dynamic changes. There will be another person parenting your children (perhaps in a way you don't agree with). My advice is to make sure you think about an iron clad parenting agreement which is ratified by the Family Court.

It might be relatively amicable for now but from what you are saying he may be bitter if you leave. Not your problem but just make sure you protect yourself and the kids from the potential fallout.

Good luck.

[doll]

what is meant by a parenting agreement? is that who has the children when and for how long etc?
the idea of another woman with my kids freaks me out but what can i do?

i do want to have our assets somehow protected in a trust for the kids, so that if one of us does get a new partner, and they split up, that partner cannot take house/money that would go to our kids...

[nothing2lose]

Yes, basically it is a Family Court order that can cover as much or as little as you like with regards to living arrangements and parenting decisions. You really need to get some legal advice as soon as possible.

Also, I am not aware of the type of trust you are talking about. My understanding is that a spouse has rights to an estate (along with children of all relationships). Not sure you can do anything about that one

[Gigi]

while you're getting legal advice about trusts etc, i would also ask about how YOU can stay in the current house, without having to move, and HIM being the one to move out. Just to find out your options. Might save you money and headache.

Be prepared for your ex to go through a range of emotions. he may be acting "neutral" right now. When you separate bank accounts, take names off loans, spilt up property/decide who pays mortgage in future, all sorts of ways you are tied together financially and legally, AND physically live separately, people can react/change in ways you might not expect. Communication is not great right now about r'ship stuff, but there are things you will have to decide, as two adults e.g the legal/financial stuff.

i found the "contact mediation counselling" very helpful, immed after breakup. To be able to go to counselling, two counsellors, ex and me, in same room, working out the nuts and bolts of how and where and when child would see each of us. At a time when our communication was so tense and strained, it was so good to do it in a room with two counsellors. In my state, Anglicare run it, apparently different welfare places run it, in diff states of Australia.

i cannot imagine another woman becoming my child's step mum either, something i really struggle with (the theory) but so far, in two years, have not had to deal with.

[nothing2lose]

Let me tell you that another woman parenting your child can be utterly horrendous, particularly if that woman does not have your child's interests at heart and sees them as a threat of some sort, or a reminder of your ex's past she wished didn't exist.

The worst part is, there is nothing you can do about it