Tardiness

[little_O]

Is it more disrespectful/rude to:

A) arrive at a someone's house 15-20 min early

Or

B) arrive at someone's house 15-20 min late?

Discuss

[Amity]

Depends on the friend. And the reason for visiting.

I regularly turn up to parties and bbqs held at homes, early, and help out with prep.

Otherwise, with my friends - those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind....

[Phteven]

Late is better than early. I don't mind if a good friend shows up early because I can put them to work helping out but when someone like my MIL shows up 15 minutes early it's just awkward.

[Eenee]

Depends on the situation.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Depends - but really, both. Unless it's a "X for X+30mins" invitation, where you can arrive late for X but NOT late for X+30mins.

Arriving early does not give your hosts prep time: I hate to be in the kitchen in an apron when my guests arrive. If they were on time, or just 5 mins early, I would be coiffed and dressed and in hostess mode rather than in preparation mode, rather than feeling on the back foot. By the same token, a late guest indicates they do not really care for my time or company, nor do they value the preparation I put into an event.

Having said that, if it's a playdate, then it is less of an issue to me as I am not organising a full meal for it and will put the kettle on when the other parent/carer arrives. Depends on what needs doing for the visit, I suppose. And when traffic is the issue, so long as I am updated it is just one of those things. Yes, I have had guests 2 hours late to a 4-course meal before now, but that was traffic and we arranged it all so they arrived just as the first course was ready and we still enjoyed the meal.

[peanutter]

It definitely depends on the friend, here. If I'm getting somewhere by public transport (which is pretty often) I'm in that exact situation - I can be early or late - so if there's not a simple solution (eg: a cafe on the way where I can stop for a coffee and read my book for the extra 15 mins) I'll just check to see if it's ok for me to be early. Who knows, they might be coming straight from somewhere else too, and not actually be there.

If it's someone I don't know well, or someone who is likely to be in the last mad throes of getting the place ready, and who I suspect would not want me to be there while they're getting dressed or doing a final clean up, I'll just get there late, and let them know I'm coming a bit late.

Generally speaking, I'd say it's ruder to be late than early, but now with kids and work and everything else, it might not be as simple as people arriving while I'm putting my face on or whatever - I might still have yoghurt in my ear and weetbix on the floor, and an airer full of bras and nappies out, all of which I will be dealing with in those last few minutes If I know people are coming early that's fine (as long as we're going to be here!!) but a heads up is grand. Let me keep my veneer of order in chaos.

[Hunter Mum]

Depends on the situation but equally as bad. We had a BBQ recently and everyone turned up 30-45mins late, I'd timed for hot nibbles to be coming out of oven for just after they arrived. But equally annoying if people turn up early. If I'm early and I'm not best friends then I always go for a drive or park under a tree until its time.

[AnyDream]

Maybe neither is rude/disrespectful. Maybe some people have genuine reasons why it's difficult to get places within a certain timeframe. Maybe as a society we could all learn to take offence a whole lot less.

Just sayin'.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Good point, MD, and I'm never offended by a genuine reason. A five-minute delay on the roads that started AFTER the start time doesn't justify you being an hour late with no other reason, though. Not for my cooking.

I would say that 5 mins early or 10 mins late is fine. We cannot control all our times. If I know you are baby-wrangling, then later is still fine with an apology.

But if I say "arrive at 10" then I mean 10. Not 9.30 - I am not ready for you. I am still vacuuming and need to brush my hair and wash pots. Not 11 (with no warning) - now Liebling has gone nuts because he can see you're really, really late.

If you call and say "I know you said 10 and I know it's 8.50 but I can get to you at 9 or never" then early is fine too. I suppose it's just letting me know what's going on before you mess with my baking schedule.

[Teeki]

Agree to a point with MD - plenty of times there are genuine reasons for needing to be early/late. But otherwise I think it depends on the situation and person.

Eg my brother and SIL regularly turn up early, with notice, to help. I don't care if they see me in my not yet ready hair, face and clothes. They help prepare then they watch DD while I get ready. Others will turn up and just watch while I'm trying to prepare stuff - like sit at the dining table and just watch and wait. That feels rude.

I start things on time, when I've said it'll start. If someone's late they can't get offended, unless they've given notice. If they just out of the blue turn up half an hour late and get annoyed that lunch has started because that's when cooking finished and I couldn't hold it, I think it's not really my fault - they knew when it started, I usually have a reason for when things start, and if they haven't even called/texted to say "sorry, x has happened and we're running late" I consider that their problem.

[Phteven]

I think it is rude.
Not when someone is held up by circumstances or misjudges the time but when it's just because people don't give a **** it's rude.
I belong to a community (kinda) where it is a cultural norm to arrive at functions late. I've also seen the chaos and complications this causes for the people trying to organise functions especially people who don't belong to the community and assume that if a function starts at x time then they can bring entrees out 30 minutes later only to serve them to a half empty room.

[Jellyfish]

I think it depends what it is to an extent but I'm actually pretty comfortable with either option for people coming to mine. If it is a playdate then I basically expect people to not be exactly on time because well, kids. They nap a bit longer than normal or need a toilet stop or put their shoes on the wrong feet. And without kids well, life happens. Sometimes you don't realise how long the drive will be or you get held up by xyz that you didn't plan for. I do understand that for a dinner, being on time can become important to the flow but then, I don't see why a good evening needs to be perfectly timed. I've never been fussed on putting on a show lol. I mean, I'll try to be organised but I'm not going to worry about friends or family seeing me in the middle of prep or with toys on the floor or whatever other reasonable this could happen before visitors situation. But then I don't own make up or need to do my hair so there isn't that to worry about. I kind of think I'm human, you're human and neither of us are perfect so let's stress less about trying to pretend otherwise, what kind of relationship would that be? I'd just feel so anxious constantly trying to play a part, rather just be natural and enjoy those who accept me as is.

For going to other's places I try to plan to be there early but have something to do to kill time if necessary (petrol, read book etc) so you can get there right on cue but then I don't think I've been to anything without kids since having kids so well, kids.

If forced to choose, I think late is better than early as it would catch people less off guard. A text to let them know if possible (not always if you're caught in traffic and can't use your phone etc). And apologize upon arrival.

This is all in regards to somebody's house. A formal function, wedding, play, restaurant reservation or other such event is different. I'd always make a considered effort to get there with plenty of time to spare.

[Astrid]

I have a paranoia about lateness, so I tend to be early and would prefer guest be early rather than late. If they are late, I fear they just wont arrive.

I grew up catching public transport, so I could just not be late in leaving otherwise I would miss the bus. Also relied on a lot of lifts, so it was the height of rudeness to now be ready when they turned up. So even now I tend to get ready early and that in turn leads me to be early.

Add to that I am very aware that a trip does not always take the expected time. Traffic jams, road works, difficulty finding parking, can make people really late, so for me I tend add a bit of leeway in that time. I found when I first moved to this area I could be very early or late, as I struggled to judge how long it would take me to get somewhere.

So overall, I find late more rude than being early.

[Calluna]

I dont mind either way IF the person keeps in contact with me and lets me know!
If they just leave me waiting around for half an hour then I get cranky. Same if someones early. I dont mind if they tell me they might be early but dont just rock up early and expect me to be ready for you.

[chody47]

In that scenario (15-20 mins) I'd say its more disrespectful to arrive early (unless it was a good friend who either wouldn't mind helping or you wouldn't care if they saw you doing the last few getting ready things). On the other hand, I think that if you're more than 20 mins late then that is disrespectful too. If I invite someone over, I generally expect them 10-15 mins either side of that time (unless pre arranged or if I know they have a baby or if they got caught in traffic....). One of my pet peeves is it being 20 mins AFTER someone should have arrived and they send you a text saying they're just leaving. I think that if you arrive really late you are showing you don't respect the person you're visiting or their time.

[JLeigh29]

Both can be equally annoying, depending on the occasion or person.

MIL took years to get that an hour or more early was NOT acceptable. She's got it down to 15 mins or so now...but we're always prepared.

I have a friend who's an hour or more late for EVERY occasion and never apologises, and it's getting a bit old.

But 10 or 15 mins seems to be the norm now....not that I agree, but, hey, it's not the end of the world. I generally am pretty easy going if its informal (play date, coffee catch up) but organised meals/special occasions should be more respected. I also make allowances for travel time - someone travelling a fair way is 'allowed' to be later without prejudice than someone who lives around the corner, iykwim.

Why can people make it on time (give or take 10 mins or so) to a restaurant lunch, but not to lunch at someone's place?

[Astrid]

Why can people make it on time (give or take 10 mins or so) to a restaurant lunch, but not to lunch at someone's place?

wow you are lucky I spend the first 15-20 minutes at restaurants waiting for people to turn up, often the last person to arrive is the person who made the booking. That has even happened at kids parties and then the staff keeping asking me questions, rather than the organising parents.

[~Hestia~]

I'm generally pretty cool with people being early or late, however I know some people who are LATE late to every function. This really annoys me, especially when it's a kids party which is only meant to go for 90 minutes. To me being consistently late with no explanation or apology is just so rude!

My MIL makes me laugh though as she is the opposite. If we say to come at 6pm, she'll say 'alright I'll be there about half 5 then' lol.