Is it wrong to blame odd statements/opinions on not being a parent?

[Astrid]

Today at work on of my work colleagues was relating a story where she received some strange feedback regarding her children. The first thing that popped into my head, so I asked it, was "is she a parent?". The answer was no.

Anyway, before I finished my question, another work colleague (who does not have children) got all offended and said we could not blame it on that. I argued, yes I can, as I have been there and said some pretty daft things before I had children.

So is it right or wrong to blame strange opinions/statements on not being a parent? Does it depend on who it is? What the opinion is? How it is expressed?

[Teeki]

My opinions were certainly different before becoming a parent, I just didn't have the experience to know any better! I thought a friend was crazy and making a rod for her own back when I heard she let her little boy sleep in her bed. Pfft, what did I know?! I thought formula was the natural progression of baby feeding at whatever age, they had to have jar food, car seats always got turned at 6 months. And the big one - I'd never let my kids have a tantrum in public

I was so clueless I was clearly not entitled to an opinion on anyone else's parenting.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My parenting is as planned pre-Liebs, but not as I thought as a pre-teen. So depends on if you like the parenting advice or not, just like all parenting advice!

FWIW, I get people dismissing my parenting ideas as I don't have enough children to make my ideas valid. Hurts. So I don't do it to others. Smile and.wave is sometimes the answer, not putting people down about their reproductive ability.

[Tinks]

No, I don't think it's wrong. I often dismiss odd statements or opinions due to lack of experience, this is no different.

[Peace]

I think its ruder to express an opinion of someone elses children having had no experience yourself.
Having said that though, im careful not to use the 'but your not a parent' card when I hear something I don't like/don't agree with. Just because I think someone else has been rude it doesn't mean I need to be as well.

[Santosha]

I have worked with children for many years... well before I had any of my own. Part of my job is to advise parents about eating, toileting, behaviour, social and emotional development etc. I have a degree in this stuff and I've worked bloody hard to learn all I know. Yet, pre-kids, every now and then a parent would narrow their eyes at my advice and ask if I had kids. Or just straight out say it, with tone: "you don't have kids do you?!". Maaan it made me so indignant!!! I'd think, I might not have any of my own but I know a lot about their behaviour and development and I can actually see this situation objectively... blah, blah, blah.

Looking back, I get it. My advice was theoretically sound in a world where the parent had enough sleep, time, energy and emotional resources to make it happen. Where siblings didn't interfere, heart-strings weren't tugged and tempers didn't flare. I had no idea what parents manage daily just to feed, dress and entertain their kids, let alone attempting to manage the finer details of social and emotional difficulties.

But I didn't get that. I don't think that I could. So yes, I do think that you might understand someone's different perspective in the frame that they're not a parent. But perhaps it's not fair on them to say so as you just don't get it 'till you've lived it. Just like it's impossible to truly appreciate how mental illness, wealth, travel, trauma, isolation... any extreme life change might alter your perspective. I think you made a fair appraisal, I'd just keep it to myself.

[Sagres]

I don't know if it really answers the question but I always say that it's everyone's perogative to be naive and idealist before they have children and also their perogative for that to come back and bite them on the ass once they have kids
So I'm not sure if I would say I'd blame being childless for making an odd or out of place comment, I would certainly take it into consideration. Just the same as if a pilot told me what I should do with my broken TV, I wouldn't blame the fact they were a pilot for the questionably advice, but I would take it with a grain of salt because it had come from some one with little experience with the subject at hand. I think it is silly to say it isn't relevant when you are comparing the opinions of some one with years of experience to some one with no experience. Unless I guess unless it was a medical opinion i.e. a Dr or nurse would know more than me about chicken pox in children even if they hadn't had experience treating it. But I don't get the impression it was a medical opinion coming from a qualified health professional....?

[peanutter]

I think it's a question of what the basis for the statement is.

Knowledge (actual personal experience, learning, anecdotal from observations, etc) -v- ignorance.

Not everyone who isn't a parent is ignorant of child-related things. Just as you can have someone who knows a heap about cars despite their not having driven one yet. Or about dinosaurs, despite never having met one

But sometimes people make statements, judgment based comments, give advice etc about parenting when they have no real knowledge about the topic, outside of their observations at the shops, recollections from when they were a kid, and what they've seen on TV.

And as with most of us - I was one of those people pre kids!

No one is saying that such people should just shut up or that they are jerks, malicious, or idiots (but hey, some of them are...) simply that one day, they too may have babies and get the dawning realisation so many of us got the first time we [insert thing: offered a dummy, bribed a toddler with food to get through the shopping, took them to the Dr because they sneezed, let them sleep in our bed, fed them McDonalds, whatever].

Parenting is not unique. Go check out the legal advice, investment advice, stockbroking tips, medical diagnosis, tax return suggestions, car maintenance ideas, fitness tactics, new diet ideas and whatever some people give based on something they've seen on TV (not even a doco, but on Law & Order or Grey's Anatomy or [worse still] Today tonight...) or read on the internet or whatever.

It's a question of the basis of knowledge.

[myturn]

Someone said this to me recently... My brother in law in fact.... By god it hurt. He does not know our struggles with fertility and until (if) I have children I will not know what I don't know. I do know is hard. I think my empathy is pretty good. And just because I don't have children does not mean my opinions or ideas or values are not valid or useful.

You don't know what she is going through. It would hurt the bejeesus out of me - not saying you can avoid hurting people all the time, but maybe responding "sorry I really didn't mean to offend, maybe its irrelevant, but maybe they dont understand" would help her.

It is a little offensive to say to someone - you have not experienced something therefore you don't understand - I do believe that you can never truely "get" something from another persons perspective, because you don't come to the situation with the same background etc... However it doesn't mean you can't appreciate it's difficult or imagine how it might be. Obviously some people can't - but some can - it's like saying to people with children "sorry you've never had a career without children impacting so you can't possibly understand the pressure I feel" it's not fair and not nice and some people might be offended. I have never been kidnapped but I can imagine how awful it might be - ill never fully understand it - but I get it sucks!!!'

I was offended by my BIL because I have worked with kids for 20 years - I am a step mother - I have had a miscarriage and have struggled to have a child. It hurts.

Maybe I don't get it - and all of you will read this and probably be saying that to yourself. But I don't think anyone can truely understand someone else's experiences.

You can't always stop from offending people, but if they are offended - you can't assume to know why they might be either.

[Chrispe]

((Hugs)) Myturn,
I agree it could be a hurtful thing to say to someone's face. And as a Stepparent, you ARE a parent even if your stepchild is only in your care part-time.


To answer the question, I agree it really depends on what type of advice & how qualified is the person to give it.

Generally if a person without kids gave me parenting advice I would smile & nod politely, but continue to do things "my way".

There have also been times when talking with others & hearing what some non-parent people said to them (that was hurtful, about their parenting) I reminded my friend that said person does not have kids & has little experience with any kids, so don't worry.

[Cassius2]

I think 'blame' is maybe too strong a word. I would maybe stride towards more of an 'explain'. and yeah, sometimes not having parented a child/ren people's understandings/perspectives of what that entails will necessarily be based on observation and dashes of ideals. but i suppose as the person receiving that information you do have to place it in context and then see if it warrants being offended/perplexed etc.

i have friends that dont have kids and sometimes they might say things that just dont apply, but then again, i meet parents in the schoolyard who parent so vastly different to myself that our conclusions regarding behaviour and management are on two completely diametrical paths despite us both being parents to wonderful, happy kids.

but as for your immediate thought bubble? I think it is valid. not to place judgement or invalidate that persons assessment but rather to put it into context and know if it relates to the situation or could potentially explain and give perspective to that persons statement. and then you can take it or leave it or even take on board some of it and discard the rest.

[meow]

I read great blog on this yesterday. I think it does as a generalisation seem to explain some lack of understanding. But it doesn't justify being an ********.

Dear parents, you need to control your kids. Sincerely, non-parents.

[MrsFabuloso]

I dont' think anyone can have any idea of what it's like to be a parent until you are a parent (that is a step parent/adoptive parent/foster parent....) a parent figure, I mean being a carer of children 24/7. You just can't get what it's like to be responsible for a little person, to make decisions for them, to look after them, to do what's best for them, and often to over look what it is that you want for yourself, full time.

[DizzyLizzie]

I know this is an old post but it hit a nerve and I had to respond.

For some people, being childless is not a choice but a point of great agony. Rubbing such a person’s childlessness in their face (even unintentionally) will likely be taken with great offence. Telling an infertile person, for example, what experience they have missed out on in life is just plain cruel. My husband and I suffered from infertility for many years and there was nothing worse than being excluded from “parent’s conversations" because we had not had the privilege of being in that role ourselves.

Just as people without children might not of stood in your shoes, you have certainly never stood in theirs. You absolutely have no more right to judge them for not having children than they have to judge your parenting.

When someone without children says something that you think is naïve, just take a moment to reflect on how lucky you are to be a parent and “in-the-know”.