Why do I always feel worse about having a baby at night?
This is our third night with DS, and it's been the same each night. It was the same with DD too.
The day he was born (Monday) was great. Yesterday was a bit hectic with coming home and inlaws to visit, and today was simply brilliant. DD dotes on him. He feeds well, settles and sleeps well. A trip in the car to the shops was simple. There's no crying or fussing or wind issues and family is beautiful and perfect.
Then 5pm begins to come around and I begin to get sad. I wonder why I chose this when our lives were so easy and perfect. DD is at such a great age, no more nappies, eating regular food whenever we do, easy to take anywhere, talking, sleeping through, generally being hilarious and such a wonderful little person. And now I've gone and turned her life upside down. All of our lives.
I had to leave her with Daddy to go to sleep because DS cried for a feed. DD cried because she wanted me there. The evenings are no longer our own when she's asleep, we have to tag team showers or eating and generally just go to bed early. I find myself thinking that things will never be the same again, we'll have to wait til DS is DD's age to get back what we had.
And it's not just my emotions that are different, it actually is different. Suddenly at night DS has wind pain and can't settle to sleep. He might want to feed forever, or he might just look like he does and need to pass wind so actually trying to feed him is useless because he won't take it. So the only option is to hold him. I'm ok with this, I will do whatever he needs, but when my emotions already change at night it's hard not to be sitting up, doing this and wondering if maybe I've made a mistake.
Like I said, our days are amazing and I love both my children with all my heart. I went through this with DD and don't regret a thing. But why do I have to get so sad at night? I hate feeling like this
When DD arrived (baby #2) I realised with shock that we'd taken a big step back to babydom, I dont know what I was expecting but I suddenly realised with a thud that our lives had dramatically changed and trying to spread myself between 2 kids was particularly hard at night time - I just couldn't always be there for both, DH had to help out with DSs bedtime even though DS much preferred me to do it. I felt that I'd let DS down, it took me some time to get over that guilt, it really wasn't until I truly saw the gift I'd given him of having a sibling that I found peace. Things fell into place again, new routines for things were established, baby#2 quickly grew (way quicker than baby #1 did I am sure), and now we are back to an easier, calmer time again - both kids eating dinner with us, amusing each other, sleeping at night which means we are etc etc....
You just need to find your groove again, it's only day 3, be kind to yourself, it will all fall into place.....
Hey Teeki what you wrote reminded me - and I'd completely forgotten until now - but when DD was a newborn I felt really down, quite depressed and teary actually, from about 4pm. Every day at the same time. Are you breastfeeding? For me I put it down to the basics of overwrought hormones and simply it being the end of a very long and exhausting day, but also breastmilk levels thus hormones being at their 24 hour low point. Baby is still so new and though not your first, every experience of mothering a newborn is exhausting no matter how much practice you've had!
I was exactly the same even during pregnancy it's a bit adjustment for all of you
It does get easier as you all develop a new routine and start building a relationship with baby and then baby will start growing and playing with your dd and you smile and feel happy that you have given them a sibling
My dd is now almost 6minths it has gone so fast she is almost crawling and sitting ds has adjusted to our routine really well he plays with her and we spend one on one time while she has her naps , dh has really had to step up looking after ds because come afternoon dd lives on my boob and cries so I do feel bad that he doesn't see me as much in the afternoon but I'm with him all day and I figure it's good for him to not have every thing handed to him straight away he's learning to entertain himself while he waits and he's become more independent
I think its quite common to wonder what the hell you've done and the realisation that one child is so easy - I know I remember those days quite wistfully now LOL
Yes you are reminding me, when dd was a baby I would always cry around 5pm. Even if it was a great day, it was this rush of sadness and I would feel really low. I'm not sure why either, but I was more prepared for it with ds.
When I have a newborn I light a candle for myself each evening, just to remind myself I am loved and ok and to give me strength. I also find having a hot shower and a warm drink helps.
Try doing some things that nourish you. After a long day if caring for others it's hard to face a long night of baby care.
Big hugs xx. Babies are a huge adjustment and it's not just the first one. All those crazy hormones too. You are tired by 5pm, and DD is too and new bubba as well.
If it doesn't pass, please let us help xx
I'm glad you've had the courage to come on here and say it like it is. This is exactly what I am fearing and now I don't feel so bad about it.
I would say it's worse at night because:
1. You're tired after a long day
2. You've been in a routine and had the night to yourself for so long that it's a big adjustment
3. I've always looked forward to my 'work day' finishing at 7pm (when DS) goes to bed, and that won't be the case anymore.
I have no doubt it'll get better. Once the little one is sleeping through and you can have you and DH time back, you'll be feeling much better - it just takes time, as we all learnt from baby #1.
Hormones. They fluctuate and change at night. What you're feeling is perfectly normal, and it will pass. I felt it with both my babies. With DD1 I cried and cried because I felt I'd ruined our lives and my relationship would never be the same (and it's not, but that's not a bad thing!) and then with DD2 the same...how could I handle this, what have I done etc. It will pass. DD2 is 10 months old now, and I'm so overjoyed that both my girls have each other. It's a beautiful thing to see your children love each other.
I'm so grateful to have DH here for these two weeks - I don't think I could ask for a better husband and Daddy, the only reason any of us got any sleep on Tuesday night is because of him. He's doing absolutely everything he can, barely even thinking of it. DD is a real Daddy's girl, so it helps there too.
Last night wasn't actually too bad. DD woke at 11 and called for me but I was feeding DS, I went in (because when she calls for one parent sending in the other makes it lots worse) and sat next to her. She was ok that DS was there and I couldn't lie down with her, she held my hand and snuggled in while I sang to her and she went back to sleep. We also fixed up the bed so I could feed DS lying down, so from about 1 I brought him into bed and we all slept quite well til DD woke at 8:30.
So I'm here in the morning again thinking everything is wonderful again - because it is really. I guess it's just a tired hormonal thing at night, but I'm so glad to know it's not just me, thank you everyone.
Arimeh, I actually thought of you on Tuesday night, I was thinking if you can do this with five surely I can suck it up and handle two!
ETA: Those have been my thoughts exactly PZ - I've ruined our perfect lives and this is a huge mistake. I just keep thinking well I felt like that when DD was born, and my idea of perfect just changed. I don't remember how long this lasted with DD, hopefully not too long.
I don't have anything constructive to add other than to say I too felt what you are feeling, and night times were definitely worse. Your hormones are still all over the place and will be for some time, add to that tiredness and a general upheavel of your life and it's no wonder you feel like that!
It will pass, and in the interim if there is anything I can do to help please don't hesitate to ask!
Last night was a bit better, until DD's bedtime. She wouldn't let DH do it, but I had DS. I gave DS to DH so I could do it, but he cried the whole time because it's when he wants to cluster feed. The DD told me she missed me and I just broke down I hadn't had a chance to spend proper time with her, especially without DS. She did go to sleep but I was left feeling incredibly guilty.
So today we had a big family day. Went out to lunch and the playground, where I played with her and DH held DS. At 3 DH went to the pub to see his work mates and DS had a really good nap, so lots of quality time with her there. I didn't have any of the negative emotions at all tonight. She wanted us both at bedtime, so I sat next to her holding her hand and feeding DS while DH read books to her. Suddenly I remembered, at this time with DD I'd spend an hour or two on the couch with my boobs out, she'd feed forever then have a good sleep til we went to bed. So maybe now I have to do the same, but part of that in DD's bed? When he stopped feeding DH took DS, I lay down with DD and sang til she fell asleep.
So I think (hope) that we can get a little routine sorted, and I'm feeling much better about it and remembering I can't just leave DD to DH, he'll be back at work soon and she needs me too.
Things are much better now, thanks. We've had a couple of days where DH has been called to work late and I've managed fine. Thankfully DS is quite chilled and relaxed so I'm able to put him down when I need to without him screaming the place down. He just waits, and when he does grizzle its quiet and he takes a long time to get sick of being there and cries out. I'm usually back by then.
DD is completely in love with him and now that he's bigger and smiling at her she's even more interested in him. The times we have jealousy are generally when she's tired and sooky. He'll be on his mat and she'll be off playing, but as soon as he makes a noise or needs a feed, she starts to whine and runs over, trying to get on me before I can pick him up. She's generally happy with a little chat about how DS needs me, and sits next to me to read books etc.
The only times that are still 'bad' are days like today when I have a huge list of things to do and he just wants to feed and catnap, then at night DD won't have Daddy put her to sleep and DS won't sleep at all. He finally conked out at 10:20, but it leaves me feeling frustrated that now everything on todays list goes onto tomorrows with everything that was already on there, and the two days of the week that DD are at daycare and I can potentially relax will be anything but relaxing.
I'm much much less stressed about it now than with DD though. With her I took note of exactly when and how long she slept, and it was never enough. Now, if he sleeps he sleeps. I go and do things til he wakes up, or snuggle him. If he doesn't want to sleep then I play with him, put him in the swing, have floor time. I'm more relaxed about it all and I'm not putting unrealistic expectations and pressure on myself, so where by 7 weeks with DD I'd have days where I felt like I couldn't handle it, now it all just feels normal.
I hope that helps you a little, I can imagine the nights are tough when DH isn't there. I take DS to her room with me and feed him while I read books to her. I can't do too many though cos it's a juggling act, she knows I do three small books then I'll sing to her. If that goes on too long she's ok with just snuggling uo til she's asleep. I've been lucky that the times I've had to do this DS has just fed and slept nicely.
Why is it always worse at night?
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