2yrs, 4mnths: sudden, dramatic increase in tantrums and defiance.

**Santosha** · December 16th, 2013, 05:20 AM

Poor DS is not coping (and if we're honest, neither am I). ANYTHING that is happening, he wants the opposite. If I hand him something he has asked for, he throws it away and screams, he desperately wants food until it's in front of him, wants to get out of the car until I unstrap him... I'm not allowed to sing, speak, look at him sideways, he shuns my cuddles but screams if I walk away. Yesterday we had the two biggest meltdowns he's ever had, only briefly separated by an hour or two of generally grumbling, crying and hitting people.

He is such a sweet little man and I can see how wretched he's feeling and how confused he is by the conflicting need for closeness and control. He probably has a screamy tantrum every day or two anyway, and he's been pretty contrary, but this is just ten times more intense. He was so shattered last night after an hour of howling he finally relented and crawled into my arms for a cuddle and almost instantly fell asleep.

Just curious if anyone has seen such a sudden shift at this age and what it might be about.

He's had his finger in his moth a lot - could the pain of getting two year old molars cause this much behaviour change?
We have a 10 week old, but he's been coping with that fairly well until now
And I had a pretty awful week last week... now I'm thinking of it, I wonder if that's it? The stress from my family dramas and exhaustion (which has pushed me to tears quite a few times and I have been less than patient with them).... Sigh. I hope that's not it but as I write, it seems like a pretty logical explanation. Dammit.

Interested in your thoughts anyway... xo

**Sterla** · December 16th, 2013, 05:26 AM

My DD definitely became more difficult around that age. Since then her level of difficulty comes and goes in waves. She was really hard for a few weeks, then gradually got easier. Now she is going through the having to do everything herself or ELSE stage.

You may be onto something with the family drama/stress impacting on him though. Little ones are more aware of these things than we think. A few years ago when my hubby was going through chemo and I was pregnant with DD, I noticed a big change in my DS's behaviour (he was not quite 2 at the time). As things got better in our lives, he got better too.

Good luck - it can definitely be a challenging age.

**PumpkinZulu** · December 16th, 2013, 05:32 AM

You just described DD1. No advice, because some days I've no idea how we get through, but lots of hugs.

**Miss.September** · December 16th, 2013, 05:42 AM

We had it too with DD1. It went on for a couple of months, then it was all over and she was back to her cheery self. Happened again after she turned three and again after she turned four. Each time, it gets a bit longer but she always comes back to being her normal happy self. The four year old one was the most difficult for me. I think because they can push it in different ways at that age. Each time it's happened, she's also had a developmental leap.

I know that probably doesn't help in the day to day of dealing with it, but you aren't alone

**Arcadia** · December 16th, 2013, 05:47 AM

Happened with DS in his own way at that age too. I had severe ms and couldn't play at all (I was barely functioning). He was so aggressive and angry. Then as my ms eased he improved. At 2 years 8 months he is shockingly easy going and I think the new baby coming will be a massive shock to him, so I'm enjoying the calm before the storm.

Hang in there.

**black_rose** · December 16th, 2013, 07:27 AM

Dd2 went through this, she would end up hitting her head on the floor with her tantrums it was horrible. We would give her two choices of food, activities what clothes to wear when we could to give her a little independence. If she tantrumed while out we would leave, at home we would leave her to it without giving her attention. We found giving her a blanket helped calm her down, we also tried to stay calm and be positive eg if she stopped she would get to stay out or have something to eat being negative made it worse. It's a horrible stage. Ds went through it too just not as bad was a shock to us as dd1 never did.

**Bella29** · December 16th, 2013, 07:53 AM

I don't know honey. But just to be on the safe side and make sure you arnt missing pain, I would give a dose of panadol or neurofen and see if it changes anything.....

**black_rose** · December 16th, 2013, 08:02 AM

I also took her to a chiro and found she needed an adjustment from a fall down our stairs a few months earlier.

**lozzy_mac** · December 16th, 2013, 11:58 AM

My son is exactly the same age, and I have found that he is so sensitive to small changes in our relationship.
I'm a little distracted and extra tired at the moment and his behaviour has taken a major backslide.
I've also heard of a fair few toddlers having delayed reactions to a new sibling.
and if he's getting molars on top of all that I think that makes for a pretty reasonable explanation!

I'm trying to build in as much connectedness and play as I can. He was whinging last night after a rough bathtime and it took all my strength but I pushed all my frustration to the side and said "hmm, it sounds like you need 20 kisses!!" and once he'd giggled through those he said "more kisses!" and it did make bedtime a little easier.

There are lots of suggestions for creative connection etc on Laura Markham's website. I think she is just fantastic.
All the best, its so tough and I imagine a whole lot tougher with a 10-week old!

**Santosha** · December 16th, 2013, 05:09 PM

Thanks so much ladies. It does help to know that others are seeing similar behaviour. Though I guess my gut tells me it's something more as he's gone from his standard level of screamy-no-no (which is still pretty full on compared to anything DD ever did), to just being out of control miserable from dawn to dusk.

During a nice big open mouthed wail today I managed to get a good look in his mouth and yes, there's the top of one of his bottom molars poking through. Ouuuuch. So with a dose of panadol on board and lots of positive attention from me this arvo, he's been quite good. Still refused to get his shoes put on, contradicted about half of what I said and fell apart when not allowed to bring a large stick into the house... but that's just normal!

Mmmm 2 is fun

**wysiwyg** · December 16th, 2013, 06:54 PM

Poor DS is not coping (and if we're honest, neither am I). ANYTHING that is happening, he wants the opposite. If I hand him something he has asked for, he throws it away and screams, he desperately wants food until it's in front of him, wants to get out of the car until I unstrap him... I'm not allowed to sing, speak, look at him sideways, he shuns my cuddles but screams if I walk away.

DS is just like this at the moment, and also lots of hitting out, but particularly wanting something then the opposite. I seem to remember DD going through similar but less full on (he does everything more full on than her).

Just waiting for it to pass really. For me is helped because someone at work is behaving just like a 2 year old particularly with the opposite thing, and that just makes dealing with a real two year old seem easier :-)