Tantrums

[Marley&Me]

When do they start? DD seems to be throwing them a bit lately. She was sick a few weeks ago so I held her a lot for those couple of days, but now she expects to be picked up constantly. I let her cry one night whilst sitting in my chair as she stood between my knees. I laid my hand on her back, but didn't pick her up. Well she just flipped it. Cried and screamed and carried on for about 10 minutes until I couldn't stand to listen anymore. And again the other night while I was cooking dinner and DH was out. She was fine earlier and then she just started to crack it. She sat outside the baby gate and just screamed and moaned then she was laying on the floor doing it, you get the idea. I am sure she wasn't in any pain and if I distract her enough she snaps out of it, but I can't do this all the time. I have things that need to be done!

So when do the tantrums begin? Is 14 months too early? What do you do when this happens?

ETA: I don't use gentle parenting style so any advice welcome

[Peace]

I've had a baby like this all along. If I'm cooking, washing up, using the loo, brushing my teeth etc he is at my feet screaming to be picked up. I pick him up when I can and sometimes I just have to let him scream there while I quickly do what I need to. It's torture and I hate it. I don't really have any advice.. I'm mostly subbing for ideas. Hope someone more helpful pops in.

[Marley&Me]

DD is generally really good, it's like a switch in her has just turned on.

[Lily Dust]

I think DD was around that age too but tbh they aren't tantrums, they are merely learning to voice that they dislike what you are doing. Real tantrums are a while off yet, you' ll know when they start ;-)

DS is 15 months and he has started to throw himself on the ground and wail if he is told 'no' or 'hot' or 'ouch'. It's quite amusing second time around, especially when I see his tantrum next to what was my demonic daughter 6 months ago But it was frustrating beyond belief with DD because I hadn't dealt with it before.

So, in brief, yes they are a kind of tantrum. No, it isn't too early.

I cant comment on the what to do as it sounds you aren't really after gentle parenting techniques and I haven't got much else :-)

[Teeki]

I agree with Lily Dust - DS is 10 months and has his form of a tantrum, and it's seriously cute compared to what 3yo DD will do instead.

Eg. DS drops his lip, puts his arms up to me and cries. If I don't pick him up he starts bouncing on his knees, then he puts his head on the floor. Eventually he's lying down, crying, wriggling around to kick or hit whatever he can reach. Adorable lol. And the only thing that really stops it is a cuddle.

DD on the other hand: screams in a demonic voice straight out of The Excorcist that she's not my best friend anymore and she doesn't want me. Hits me if I'm close enough, or DS if she's angry at him, throws things, and goes to her room where she slams the door and kicks it for 20 minutes, keeping up the roary screaming. Nothing fixes this. Anything I do just prolongs it and the only thing I can do is make sure she's safe and let her get it out. These aren't so cute.

[Teeki]

Oh actually, the one thing that avoids a crying baby while I'm doing dinner is to bring his highchair in to the kitchen, and put him in with things to occupy him - food, toys, whatever. He usually decides to play the 'drop things on the floor so mummy will pick it up' game, and I play along and make it funny because it's better than him crying the whole time. Funnily enough it hasn't resulted in him dropping stuff from the chair at other times, which I thought it might.

[Cassius2]

if holding her seems to help i TOTALLY reckon you should get a good carrier

I have a Beco and swear by it. It has saved us so much as my DD was really cranky all the time at me even being slightly distracted by anything else that wasnt her. in the end i realised that she was feeling a bit insecure but didnt know how to express that (being little and all), and by having the carrier (i pop her on the back) it has literally saved us so much hurt and frustration (from both of us lol). and TBH we now rarely have moments where we use it for comfort anymore as with her getting bigger she is better equipped at expressing herself and playing more independently.

some quick tips that we do...

if you are cooking: rip out some pots and pans and tupperware and some mixing spoons and plonk her down next to you while you prepare etc. she will LOVE it! I have friends that have made the bottom drawer completely for the baby...full of old takeaway chinese containers and old water bottles and implements. they have cut up a pool noodle so that it wont slam shut and their DD just crawls around the kitchen while they cook and rips all the crap outta the draw and has a merry ol' time.

Folding clothes (my DD hates it when i have to do this haha): i give her a small pile to go sick on and throw about haha.

i'll have a think about some of our other distraction stuff...

but also: dont feel that you are indulging or spoiling her by picking her up...i sound like an old nanna, but they are only little for a really short time and this particular clingy phase does end...she is just realising that she is a bit more independent and i have found with my 3 girls that it kinda freaks them out for a little while and they need extra cuddles and reassurance that their new found skills and independence still means that mum will love and look after them (i dont know, they seem to think that we are about to kick them outta the nest or something haha).

[onthefly]

She's just communicating with you. Kids "tantrum" because they need something, get upset and don't know how else to deal with the way they're feeling. They just need help to learn. It's really important that they know you're still there for them even if they lose control.

When they're little, sometimes just a cuddle is enough. Or distraction if they're upset over something in particular, like a lost toy or not getting what they want or something. Make a joke, do something funny, show them something else or whatever.

Older kids might need a little space to work through things, but it helps them to know you're nearby and they aren't in trouble for behaving like this. When they're ready, they might come to mum/dad for cuddles to help them calm down. They literally can't do it themselves when they're little and they learn by being shown how - when you cuddle and soothe them, their brains are learning how to do this. It's a long process, however, it takes years.

If she wants to be held, then the easiest way to get through this and avoid upset is to hold her. Or keep her close some other way. You encourage the crying and whinging by refusing her, not the opposite. I would wear mine on my back in a carrier, put them up on the bench, sit them in a high chair. All they need is to be close to us.

[CoNNiE_Melb]

When DS went through this from around 10 months old, people said it was separation anxiety. Oh man it was hard... My mum walked in to our house once and DS was hanging off my legs while I made his toast.

I don't really have any advice. At the time, I wasn't allowed to leave the room or his side actually to do anything, but it was just a phase we had to ride out. I did what you are doing - if I had to make his lunch for example, I would put him in his high chair or somewhere safe and go make it. He'd be screaming his head off, but I just wasn't interested in carrying him around all day - he was a big baby and I physically couldn't do it.

It's a phase, it'll pass, it's really hard while it's happening, but it will get better. And when you have baby #2, baby #1 will keep him/her company so it won't be as bad

[Lily Dust]

DD on the other hand: screams in a demonic voice straight out of The Excorcist that she's not my best friend anymore and she doesn't want me. Hits me if I'm close enough, or DS if she's angry at him, throws things, and goes to her room where she slams the door and kicks it for 20 minutes, keeping up the roary screaming. Nothing fixes this. Anything I do just prolongs it and the only thing I can do is make sure she's safe and let her get it out. These aren't so cute.

Hahaha Teeki, this is soooo my DD!

[Frangipani Lou]

It sounds like she really needs you. IMHO Distraction can be good sometimes, however if she is upset, then the upset doesn't usually go away, it just gets pushed down and comes out at another time. Children need our help to self regulate their feelings and even more help when they are tired, scared, sick, hungry or when they have been holding onto emotions.
Perhaps you might find Janet Lansbury's blog, Pinky McKays blog and Evolutionary Parenting's webpage interesting as they are full of relevant information that's well researched and backed by science.
Sometimes a 'tantrum in arms' ( a tantrum while being cuddled and empathised with) allows them to feel safe, secure and supported and to release these feelings without the cortisol spike that a tantrum alone would stimulate. When a child is upset, the learning part of their brain switches off, that's the cortisol response. That's why cuddles are so wonderful for helping children to regulate their emotions, at least until the part of their brain ( I think it's the prefrontal cortex) is developed.

This is an area of development I'm pretty fascinated with and passionate about!

[Marley&Me]

She gets lots and lots of cuddles and attention from me. Actually these 'tantrums' don't happen a lot, but when they do it's usually after daycare and she's tired. When she was younger I could clearly see she was really upset and I would hold her, but as she's getting older I can see the difference quite clearly. Distraction works most times, I will sit on the floor with her and get her engrossed in something and then try slip away I'm always in sight (our house is tiny!)
Lucky these don't happen too often, but it's nice to know she isn't the only one doing this!

Teeki, your ds tantrum sounds exactly like my dd's

[onthefly]

You learn over time to anticipate the triggers - tiredness, stress, hunger, etc - and sometimes manage to avert the meltdown. It's helpful to remind yourself that she's not being naughty, she's just having a hard time and not coping well. We all have our moments.

[Cassius2]

after daycare is just crazy for us too!

I have learnt to prepare myself mentally hahaha. i also make sure that daycare day is a quick dinner and i have snacks ready in the car. it seems to at least reduce the incidence of a massive tantrum (which then leads to a tired hungry baby that will not eat or sleep!).

[BellyBelly]

I have a few articles for you. Firstly, remember that developmental milestones regularly happen (wonder weeks) and this can make them more clingy, crying and cranky. During this time they need more reassurance, love and connection with mum and dad, to help them through it. The Wonder Weeks book is brilliant and essential for all new parents!

The Wonder Weeks - What Are The Wonder Weeks?

There are loads of great articles in BellyBelly's toddler section, some specific to tantrums:

* Setting Limits For Your Toddler
* Toddler Tantrums: 9 Tips For Taming Toddler Tantrums
* Discipline and Your Toddler: 9 Effective Tips
* Routines For Happy Toddlers
* Toddler Tantrums: 8 Things To Say No To

Finally;

* 11 Reasons Why Smacking Is Ineffective And Damaging

At the end of the day, toddlers don't mean to annoy and frustrate you. My 25 month old barely tantrums, she doesn't sleep the best overnight, but she is a fun little thing who loves to help out with everything we do. Why? Because we are always responding to her needs and cues. She can't speak to me and express what's going on for her in any other way, so by responding when she seems to need it helps to strengthen her security, self esteem, confidence and independence. This is the gentle parenting advantage. It doesn't give those instant gratification results people seem so desperate for, but with patience and persistence, it has massive benefits and makes things easier in the long run. This is why I chose to make BellyBelly a gentle birth and parenting website - its based on good science and best for our babies. Between 0-2 a baby's brain triples in size - it lays some important foundations for life. Fill it with good stuff x

Re: dinnertime, it can be a parent's biggest challenge of the day... if your partner isn't going to be available, its a matter of organising before hand, either in the morning, during naps or even buying something easy for yourself. A roast chook from the shop is one of the more healthy takeaways, chuck together a salad and too easy! But at a time when a baby is most tired and on the downhill run for the day, there is only one way you can stop her being so emotional

[Marley&Me]

Thanks, I will read up on the suggestions. She is still grizzly at that time of night so I have just been stopping and sitting on the floor with her to play with some toys. After about 5 minutes I can usually get back to what I was doing for another 10-15 minutes until it happens again Takes me longer, but at least she's not getting herself all worked up and crazy.

ETA: I used to have the Wonder Weeks app on my old phone, but I upgraded and forgot to download it again.

[BellyBelly]

Yes, unfortunately its just one of those things at that time of the night that all parents try to survive!

Bubbas have two (or more) whammies - tired and hungry being the main ones if nothing else is going on (wonder week, teeth, illness etc). Not just that, but its 'the end of the day' tired, where all energy is heading towards zero, and all they want is someone to cuddle up with to feel connected or to fall asleep on! So I think about how I feel right before I am about to go to sleep, and how I would feel if I couldn't get my needs met (grumpy as lol). I do my best to suck it up and realise its going to take some time or get easy meals going. Slow cookers, Thermomix machines and other devices are huge mamma life savers! Freeze meals and enlist your partner's help as much as you can! Luckily my daughter's daddy is VERY helpful with cooking, but there are times he works away for up to a week at a time, and I don't know what hit me lol!

Like everything else, its all a stage, and when its over you miss it dearly. I am onto my third, but there are 4 kids in the house, I don't think I can stretch any more, so she's my last. Cherishing every tight snuggle - she wont ask for them one day, and she'll get too heavy to pick up