A revelation - why my mum isn't happy about my attempt at VBAC
So I went to the movies today with my mother and sister. They are what I call my "negative force" behind my VBAC because my sister thinks I am stupid for attempting it (cos it'll mess up my bits and its just gross, says the c-section queen) and all my mum says is that she can't believe I am going to attempt it when I can just have another c-section. My mum has remained pretty quiet with comments, but it doesn't take an idiot to realise that she isn't exactly proud of my wanting a natural, drug free, hopefully waterbirth. The only thing she has said about it being drug free is (with a shocked, awed expression on her face) "it f**kin hurts Melina". Yup. Figured that one out myself.
So today, in the middle of the movie I felt really unwell and waddled to the toilet for a quick puke and poo (if TMI I do apologise). I went back to the cinema and said I was going back to the toilet because I wasn't feeling well. She followed me out and asked me if I had any back pain. I said I had no pain other than the fact I felt I was going to vomit everywhere.
So on our way out (my sister wasn't happy that I was inconsiderate enough to puke before the movie had ended and wanted me to wait another 20 minutes so she could finish the movie, to which I replied with many swear words) mum started asking if I had back pain again.
Which (I know its a long drawn out story) led me to ask her if she had back pain with all us three kids. And she said she DID.
Soo.. this is why my mum is NOT supportive of my desire to have a natural birth.
All her babies were posterior, (with no drugs except for gas), she had us all FLAT ON HER BACK, plus the bonus with me - she was in stirrups too!!!!! And induced!!!! And her labours were 6 hours, 2 hours and 3 hours (me). Which I'm guessing would have been very full on.. pain wise..
So after her very negative experiences, no wonder she doesn't see my desire to have this. No wonder she has told me to go the "easy way out" for another c-section. I am not letting her memories of her births get in the way of my positive thinking. I will NOT be flat on my back. I will NOT be in stirrups. I will be moving around, in and out of showers, baths, whatever it takes.
I just had to get this out somewhere. Nobody needs to reply really... lol Mainly writing it down for myself before I go into labour...
Your poor mum. I wonder if watching some hypnobirthing videos will help your mum. I mean watch some homebirth videos on etube, and explain to her why you want to try for something that beautiful.
My mum had no idea why I wanted a VBAC so badly, she even rung hospitals in the US to try to talk me out of it, she had relatives phone me & say they were concerned for my life. She wrote a mass family email out to everyone asking them to pray for my life because I was risking it to have a VBAC she didn't understand that having a c/s was worse for my life than a VBAC. So, when she came out to visit, I sat with her & watched natural birth videos and discussed why its different now than it was when she had me.
Christy - I offered to her the option of coming in with me, to see what it is like now - not what it was like 31 years ago!! But she was so totally terrified of that idea - it was quite surprising. I'm glad you know where I am coming from.
Do you feel relieved by the knowledge? I know I would be. I countered a lot of negativity from my MIL about wanting to have a VBAC with DD2 (sadly did not happen), I often wondered why she even cared as I not even her daughter. Finally worked it out, she wants to control everything, including me. So if something is not her suggestion or idea, there is something wrong with it. I had made a decision without consulting her, so she is unhappy until she twists everything around to make it look like she suggested it too me. To understand how extreme her need to control she is even quite pushy and opinionated on what toilet paper we should buy so imagine her opinion on a VBAC when she thinks that the you birth does not matter
Good luck with your VBAC and don't let your mother's births even enter your mind. You can do it
Your poor mum. I think she's just scared of the pain you'll be in. I can understand. 2 of mine were posterior, but turned during labour.
She doesn't want her baby going through that. She'll be OK.
Your sister's a bit rude! Does she have any kids of her own?
I think if your feeling sick, you might go into labour soon. Vomiting is one of the many signs of pre labour - but then it migh mean nothing!
Good luck with your VBAC. Just keep reassuring your mum. I think it's sweet she cares that much.
But cs is definetely NOT the easy way out! Even if it does tear you to shreds - sorry - I'm pretty sure you'd still recover quicker than a cs!
Haven't had one myself, but I've seen the pain it causes.
Oh hun - that does make sense and as a mum we know how we want to protect our kids from being hurt and in pain... Christy's idea sounds great of showing her and telling her how different it will be for you, having an active birth with strategies for coping with the pain. Must a relief but also not IYKWIM... Your experience will be totally different than hers and even if she feels the need to project her fears onto you, you know what you need to do and that you are a strong birthing woman.
BTW - Poo and puke sounds like things are moving babe.
Astrid - I do feel relieved by knowing. I know its not because of ME.. but because of HER.. that makes a HUGE difference in my way of motivating myself and pumping myself up for it.
Skye - my sister has had 4 sections in 4 years... thats why I call her the queen.. lol
Tan - I don't know if anything is moving - got a few cramps, but nothing out of the ordinary...
Skye - all elective c-sections, she wasn't going through that pain for anything in the world. Plus, it would mess up her "bits"... she has three children (one was a stillborn)...
That's great news Mel, now you know it's not that she thinks you can't do it, she's just being a mum & trying to protect you from the pain that she went through. That's such a relief I can imagine.
Now go forth, do your thing & show your mum what birth can be like
Mel, it's hard to tell them things have changed isn't it! I'm guessing that a bad birthing experience can really burn into your memory - as can shall I say a good one. You are right, that was her experience, not yours and things are VERY different now and you can have an AMAZING drug free VBAC Secondly...your sister... mess up your bits?? WTF??? can't say that mine are loosey goosey after a VBAC....pmsl. sorry, but I seriously had to laugh at that.
Oh and as much as you are saying you're ok... chucking and pooing can lead to babying...haha Looking forward to that all important text msg and I have a feeling it's gonna be soon!!
It would have been a pretty big lightbulb moment for you though. It is so hard when birth a generation ago was so very different to what it is now and I think our parents find it so hard to see that it can be such a moving and wonderful experience that the whole family is welcome to experience if you want them too. Birth back then was sooo medicalised and only tree hugging hippies gave birth at home or in water.
I suppose alot of her motivation for trying to talk you out of it is a combination then of both her own experiences and also her concern for you as your Mum. If she is open to it, show her the youtube vids like others have suggested because it could make all the difference to her - show her a VBAC one even to prove to her that it can be done.
Fingers crossed you can get through to her and severely diminish the size of your 'negative force'
Hey Mel - you know what, I had a posterior labour, and yeah, I tell ya, it hurts. But I did it drug free. And you know what else, just because your mum had posterior labours does not mean that you will. But I guess it is good you know have an understanding why she doesn't want you to do it.
Do a search for Sterile Water Injections on here, and read Kelly's article about it. I found them fantastic - When I had them, I could seriously not feel my contractions anymore. It was like period pain, not contractions.
You can do this. Your body knows what to do. to your sister & bring on this goddamn VBAC!
Well to your sister - I have had 3 vaginal births & NO stitches. DH isn't winging, so it can't be that bad. Thats why there are pelvic floor exercises. To tighten things up again!
I used to be ashamed of it, but I since realised there are alot of things that help me get no stitches. Pelvic floor exercises, position of giving birth & the head not coming out too fast. I got lucky I think.
I still feel like I must be loose as, so I don't advertise it, but DH has assured me he hasn't noticed much difference, if any.
hi mel,
parents eh??? my sister had my nephew naturally and had to have a c-sect with my niece (breech and fluid probs i think) and she said give her a vb any day over a c-sect. she had a really bad time recoverin from the c-sect.
sorry to point out but it is major surgery n as someone who who hasent got children yet n suffers from bad adhesion probs unless i had to i wouldnt have a c-sect. (nothin against people who do just imo.
take care rach xxx
Well I just finished reading Silent Knife - so I am SOOOO ready for this... bring it on baby!!! I'll prove to all my doubting thomas' (ie, mum and sis) that I can, and WILL, do this...
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A revelation - why my mum isn't happy about my attempt at VBAC
Mel. Yep I totally understand.
she didn't understand that having a c/s was worse for my life than a VBAC. So, when she came out to visit, I sat with her & watched natural birth videos and discussed why its different now than it was when she had me.
to your sister.
Secondly...your sister... mess up your bits?? WTF???
can't say that mine are loosey goosey after a VBAC....pmsl. sorry, but I seriously had to laugh at that.
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