How do you explain death?

[mummy23chickies]

Hello everybody,

I have been wondering what is the best way to explain death.

My 3/4yr old came home from kindy stating:

When you choke you die, you can't breathe anymore and you lye really still forever and ever and never wake up.

This all came about when one of her classmates was walking around while eating and the teacher said if you do so you will "choke and die". I was absolutely appauled by this and made sure the teacher was well aware of my feelings on the issue. (edit to add) she has been told by her 4yr old cousin that when you choke your "breathing explodes"

My 3yr old is now passing this to my other 3 children and they are getting quite concerned about it too. She has since been upset when my youngest was walking eating. (edit) to add We now live in quite an isolated area so preshools and kindy places are quite hard to come by she hasn't been at the kindy long..

Until this time I was explaining that: When someone or something dies they aren't around anymore and can only see them in photo's and cemetries were places that you go to remember them. This seemed to suffice however now this incident has come about I don't think it's going to cut it anymore.

I'd love some input from how other people handle it. I don't want my children to be afraid of death nor afraid of things that they shouldn't be thinking about at their age.

(apologies for edits: was my first post...)

Thanks
mummy23chickies

[taralee]

That teacher should definately be reprimanded for such a comment, and should be much more aware of the effect such words can have on little children.
I had a preschool class when Steve Irwin died, so it was quite the topic of conversation for quite a while.
I think the most important thing is to be honest about it, but just give the bare facts. They don't need to know all the details, but lying to them about it isnt a good option either. It might be worth mentioning that (obviously reworded) people can die from things such as choking, but thats why mummy and daddy and teachers etc are always around to look after you. and that most people die when they get old.
It is so so important that you stress to your children how much they are looked after and that you are there to keep them safe.
at the end of the day, that is what they will remember.

[Lulu]

Yep, I do the "you dont die until you get OLD" and since they think daddy is ancient at 43, they are happys its a long way off.

That teacher is a bit stupido....

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I'd be upset at that teacher!

WRT death and teaching about it, whenever we see a funeral procession I point out to DS that someone has died so they aren't here any more, we bury the body and we won't ever see them again in this life. But God will look after them and we may see them again in the next life. But not in this.

I do tell DS that you can die from running onto the road and I'd like him to stay alive for now, thank you very much. But I don't tell him he'll die from eating! If he has trouble with food Mummy and Daddy will help him.

[ajm mum]

Hello when my dd#1 was only 2 1/2 her dad passed and i was at a loss at how to help her. The best advice i received was just answer her questions. Dont go on to explaine in detail just basic answers to the percefic question. She is 16 now and i have followered this rule throu out her life just basic info and when she has prosessed this info she will ask more questions this way she is processing at her own pace. Im shocked at this teacher what was she thinking!!!

[BellyBelly]

Miriam Stoppard has written a book 'Questions Children Ask... And How to Answer Them.' It covers every facet of life and answers for various age groups, maybe you should send her a copy!!!

[Schmickers]

Really? I'm surprised that it hasn't come up previously. Molly is only three, and lots of her friends talk about dying - apparently if you drive too fast, you have an accident, and then you die, and then mummy and daddy cry ve-ry much.

I guess it's one of those questions that comes up sooner or later. The one thing I would encourage is that you try to avoid comparing it to sleeping. Lots of children become quite disturbed at the idea of going to sleep if they think there is a possiblity they mightn't wake up.

[Lisa]

The one thing I would encourage is that you try to avoid comparing it to sleeping. Lots of children become quite disturbed at the idea of going to sleep if they think there is a possiblity they mightn't wake up.

I completely agree... I was one of the kids that got too scared to go to sleep in case I didn't wake up.
My older kids learned about death through the passing of one of their pets. It made it easier for them to understand when their Grandma passed away.
We have also tried to explain that it isn't just old people that pass away, it can also be people who are very sick (because they have known of children to pass away) or by an accident of some sort... we have also reassured them that as their parents, it is our job to keep them safe from avoidable accidents and to take them to the Dr to make sure they don't get too sick.