I know that this isnt crying to sleep, but im not sure where to put this.
I dont like to let MJ cry, if she's playing, needing a feed or in bed... despite people telling me that i am creating a rod for my back or 'spoiling' her
Anyway, when we are in the car, if she needs a feed, she crys, sometimes she will just grizzle, othertimes she will get really worked up... If i am 10 mins from home, i just try and settle her (whilst driving, shushing and giving her toys at the lights etc) or whoever is in the car with me will play or talk to her...
What i am trying to ask is, should i pull over and give her a feed, or just let her go, sometimes she will cry herself to sleep, but i feel awful as i wouldnt do this if we were doing anything else.
Am i being a terrible Mummy?
There are some times in life where baby just needs to wait a little. Fair enough if you were still an hour away from home, I think it would be reasonable to pull over and give your bub a feed, but she certainly isn't going to suffer by waiting an extra 10 minutes or so for her feed/sleep.
Babies have a way of making us feel so guilty don't they? If you are meeting her needs throughout the day (which you are!), then she will be just fine. Once she's home and had a feed she'll have forgotten all about having to wait
Hi there. I can relate to when I would drive with my DD and she would be crying up a storm. It makes you feel so guilty and mean when you dont stop and get her right away doesnt it? I always had the problem that as soon as she started crying, I couldnt do anything else at all, I lost all concentration and all my senses were on fire - all I could think of was running to her and stopping her crying! So driving while she was crying was really hard work to keep concentrating on the road.
I decided to tell myself that she had to learn that when I was driving, that she couldnt have a feed right there and then but as soon as we got wherever, she would have mum. I felt that sometimes it was important that we kept our appointments and got to our destination rather than being late or just turning around and abandoning the trip. It was better for Bub if Mum was less stressed because we finished the drive rather than feeling stressed and upset because we were late or never got there. I was always going to be stressed cos she was crying, so rather than add more stress to it by being late, I would choose to keep driving. That got me through most of the time, pretending that she was having to learn a lesson. I really dont think at that age they understand or learn anything of a lesson, but it helped me to keep driving when i needed to be somewhere without feeling so guilty that i was letting her cry and suffer.
But there were times when we would be driving that I would pull over and feed her. Usually when it wasnt something important I was going, like just going to the shops or meeting a friend. I couldnt always justify letting her cry when I wasnt going somewhere where I had to be there by a certain time, like a doctor's appointment.
I hope that helps. I guess it really depends on the drive - where you are going, how long a drive it is, whether its important for you to be on time, how long your baby will want to feed for and whether she will go back into the car seat after a feed or not. If its really upsetting you, you should do what ever you feel is right at the time I think. Trust your instincts! But sometimes I think you just have to let her cry, otherwise you wont get things you need to get done done....and thats important for your mental health too. Good luck.
You are not a terrible Mummy. You are a great mummy!!! I do the same thing you do. I don't like to let Harrison cry either but I have tried the pulling over and giving him a feed or settling him, and I find it makes him worst. He calms down while I'm there but as soon as I put him back in the car seat he is 10 times worst. If he is too worked up I will pull over. I brought him a toy arch that going on car seats that seem to help. Portable dvd players are great if you have to travel a long way. Best of luck.
you're not beign a terrible mummy. ive done the same thing, sometimes u just gotta let them cry it out. and if ur only 10mins from home i think she can wait
I disagree, BeautifulMadness, you never HAVE to let them "cry it out" - but waiting until you can pull over is acceptable. Because stopping dead in the middle of traffic, jumping out the car and then you find that the car behind has run into you is a far worse solution.
I found that no matter why DS was crying, The Cat in the Hat CD stopped his upset and sent him to sleep. Usually I'd walk everywhere and if not then DH would be driving and so I could sit with DS or at least play peep-o with him, which he loves even now. I have driven with him crying, I would sing to him usually and that calms him a bit, although it's not ideal.
And a feed and nappy change before a car journey of more than 20 minutes when he was tiny worked wonders too.
Sammie - you're not being a terrible mum, you're just a mum in a bit of a predicament. I'm another mum who basically doesn't let DS cry, and when he's letting rip in the car it's the worst. My reaction has always depended on how far we had left to go as to which was the greater evil - letting him cry or taking longer to get to where I was going. Wherever possible, I try to time my longer drives for sleep times, with a feed before we leave, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
Also, I absolutely, 100 million per cent don't subscribe to controlled crying, or whatever it gets called, but I do know that if my DS does cry for 10-15 minutes once in a blue moon, he's not going to be irreperably emotionally damaged, because it's an exception, rather than the rule. And bollocks to people saying you're creating a rod for your own back by responding to your DD's crying - I think you're creating a secure, happy and confident kid who realises that if they have a need that someone will look after them.
as long as she is safe then i think when you are driving then that is the exception.... of course you could pull over but i think if you're almost home its a tad overboard (just my opinion).... i have pulled over before on longer drives, and found it only prolonged the agony, she would settle in my arms and then get hysterical again once we were driving...
once they are older it ges ALOT easier as you can talk to them and explain that you're driving and you're almost home, and distract them with things to look out for out the window, or a special cd they love etc etc..... it DOES get easier.... start teaching her language NOW, it makes life a whole lot easier, i could explain things to dd from the age of around 12 months and she understood everything i was saying... what a relief. a communication barrier is just one of the biggest stresses i think with having a bub.
Just to echo other statements. This is the rod for your back you are creating:
When your child is older, she knows she can turn to you for support. So you'll be stuck talking to her can comforting her ALL the time, even as a teen or even worse and adult.
When your child is older, she knows she can trust you. So you'll be stuck listening to her secrets and giving advice that she'll probably listen to.
When you child is older, she'll be confident and comfortable with herself. And who wants that in a child?
You're going to spoil that child - you will ruin her nature by making her generally happy, trusting and confident. Children are not made for this level of abuse and spoiling. They are made to be ignored; being alone and unwanted builds "character", don'tchknow?
If DS is really upset, I tend to pull over, even if I'm not far from home. But if he's just grumbly, then generally I can placate him with a song (actually, I have spent many car trips singing for 20 mins or so!!), a toy, a dummy, etc.
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