My recently turned 14 DD has been wagging school.
Everyday!!
She catches the bus to school, stays till recess or lunch, then takes off & doesn't catch the bus home. which means I then have to pack up the other kids & go for a 90k round trip to go find her. When I do she is hostile & very violent.
She's got that " I can do whatever I please" attitude
It's got to the point now, where I am at my wits end, I'm sick of meetings with the principal, they do nothing, she's good for a few days & then she's off again.
I know that she has gotten herself into the wrong crowd, but being a smallish country school, choices of friends are limited IYKWIM.But she is such a strong willed girl, why is she giving into peer pressure? OH FFS I've had it.
Nothing works, the counselling was a total waste of time, she just sat there & stared out the window, saying the occasional I don't know, or I don't care.
On Wednesday I received a letter from DET reminding me it is an offence for me not to send my child to school, WTF I do everyday!! I now have a meeting with them next week.
I really do not understand what is going on.
OK I wasn't a goody goody 2 shoes ( as she likes to say) when I went to school or when I was her age, but I NEVER EVER, put my parents through this.
I'd love to delvge into her mind & see what is going on in there.
Could it be pay backs for something I've done/ haven't done?
Ok when she is going off in her anger mood I get told I am too strickt, & I am a cold hearted ***** with a pole shoved up my ass. OK so yeah, I don't back down & I don't give in, she knows this.
I seem to be the one carrying on like a drama queen when she does wrong, because in her eyes, she hasn't done anything wrong.
I don't get it I really don't
I'll have to cme back & finish, I think WW3 is starting inthe kitchen.....
Yeah I wouldn't be picking her up. If she knows you will come get her she will just keep doing it.
I like Beatrix's Idea, get the cops on board if you can.
Sorry the little 2 were fighting over a banana....
You know once when I went to get her, she was at the pool & I was just so fed up I went to the cops & got them to go & get her. I waited at the station. They picked her up for me from the pool, in front of all her friends&threw her in the back of the paddy waggon!She was feral LOL, the cops gave her the once over too.
But she keeps doing it.
I have to drive 15k's to her bus stop to pick her up & I feel like a right dill when she's not there. Somedays I leave late, so I avoid seeing the bus & if she's on there, she gets to wait...wondering... but it doesn't work!!
Do you think I should just stay home next time & call the cops? I don't know if they would like to drive all the way out here to bring her home though.
I really do not know what else to do.
I hope this next meeting will be of some help.
It doesn't even bother her that I am the one who is going to get in the crap for her antics.
She's really not my usual lovely 14yo anymore, she's like a stranger..
My Dp has threatened to take my charmer to the city at night and walk around with her so she can SEE HOW LUCKY SHE IS - I'll take your one too if you like....
Seriously is there somewhere the cops can take her to scare the crap outta her??
Your lovely DD has disappeared off with mine I fear......
can the cops pick her up and hold her UNTIL you can come and get her - make her wait and sweat on whether you'll actually show up or not? i don't know if they do that sort of thing, but i know the local cop here would if a kid was going feral - but he's a top bloke like that!
i'm not sure what else to suggest - maybe contact local youth workers and see what they can help with? i'm pretty sure, in Sydney at least, there are police youth groups that will actually work with the kids to get them integrated back into school at least part time, and then in external activities for the rest of the time - but at all times, while they're not actively in school, for school hours they're in "police custody" as it is... will see if i can get some more details for you later today
is it bad that i'm actually GLAD we live in the sticks out here - with nothing more interesting for our kids to do but to go to school? and i haven't even popped yet...
I think she is in there somewhere underneath it all, when you get a glimpse of the kid you know it can make it easier to keep trooping along....
I feel so darn guilty sometimes because I KNOW I haven't spent as much time with her as I used to. But I have 2 more little ones to take care of now, she can't be The One anymore, baaaah to them both!
I'm desperately inexperienced, having only got one 2 year old, but i would go with natural consequences, which to me are either if you can't be trusted to stay in school mummy is going to have to come sit in class every day with you (probably not an option with all the other littlies) or alternatively that if you don't get on the bus you don't come home. Tell her in advance you're ready to talk about whatever it is you can do to help stop this happening but that you won't be coming to get her anymore, and that if she's not on the bus you'll just call the cops in future.
Tell her you want to understand her but you're not psychic and that she needs to communicate about whatever is wrong that is making her do this. It sounds like an attention-getting ploy, so all you can do is stop giving her attention for it (by letting the cops catch up with her and bring her home) and give her attention in other ways by trying to get some alone time with her that ISN'T her misdemeanors, kwim? I think sometimes with both toddlers and teens their behaviour can get so insane it can end up that every interaction you have with them is about something they've done wrong and every thing you MIGHT have done together has already been negated or prevented as a punishment before you begin because it's so hard to keep up with their behaviour. Can you create a one-on-one time with her, JUST her, that will not be affected by her actions in other areas and will not be a time to discuss her behaviour? Might help you get reconnected...?
Having said all that my mother would have come and sat with me at every lesson for a week if i'd missed a single DAY of school, but then i was her youngest. Though she wouldn't have needed to do it, she ALWAYS did what she said she would and so we took her threats very seriously! LOL.
Just from your statements in your OP, you are doing quite a lot already to keep her at school - consulting the school, seeing counsellors etc.
Is the meeting with the DET with a HSLO (Home School Liaison Officer) ? As a teacher I have limited experience with them, but I know that they are employed to get kids to go to school. They may be able to help you with some guidance on how to keep her at school - as well as give the school some strategies.
The only other things I can think of (I don't know what you have tried already, so please forgive me if I am mentioning ideas you have already tried):
a) is there a particular class that is triggering this off (ie a teacher she is clashing with) - can alternatives be made for this subject?
b) when is she actually leaving - at recess? Can she be 'in school suspended' for recess and lunches (ie not allowed out into the playground - has to report to a Head Teacher or Deputy).
c) Is there a teacher she gets on with that can be a mentor? Particularly if she is into a subject like PE, drama, art or music? Can they suggest an out of school pursuit that will get her away from this group of friends?
d) Does she need a circuit breaker like Stewart House for example to get her away from school for a while? Places like this also offer counselling for parents too.
e) Will she talk to you about what is going on (obviously not when she is yelling at you). Can she come up with a logical plan?
f) I was going to suggest another schooling alternative like TAFE - but she is a year too young (I think). Can she hang on for a year and go to TAFE/an apprenticeship instead? Can the school careers advisor get her some work experience in something she may be interested in?
g) is there any help with any relatives she gets on with? Get them to take her out and talk to her about what is going on. I noticed that you didn't mention her Dad - is he around and can he intervene? If not - a granddad or grandma that would be willing to help out? Just the shock of having someone else pick her up that is not her 'big, bad Mum.'
I feel so sorry for you - to have to pack up everyone to go and find her. I suppose if you dont go you have the fear that something might happen to her. Good luck
Last edited by Caramello; November 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 AM.
: More ideas
Oh Gargey some of your ideas are fantastic, but most have been tried & have backfired. She's impossible.
My parents are no help, they seem to think she belongs to them & will just treat her like garbage in the process, making it all worse.
Her father is currently in rehab, he's never been a help anyway.
It is the HSLO I have to see next week, I have no idea about them either, so I am looking forward to see what they have to offer.
She hates all her teachers & all her classes, so working through to find a trigger is a little off key, although I seriously don't beleive she hates them all, it's just her "really good excuse".
I asked the school about school suspend, nothing has been done yet, I think they school is being quite slack in this respect.
Being in a small community, the careers guide is reluctant to offer her any work experience, as she is so unreliable. It has been suggested but the principal said no.
Bec, the school did threaten having me sit in on classes, but I would take it too far I think & I'd follow her around all day lol, would be impossible cos of the little two, but I would like to.
She doesn't want to spend any time with me, I've tried, I"ve taken her out to lunch, she ordered a big lunch & didn't want it when it arrived. I went & got her nails done, & over the course of 3 days, she picked them all off. I just think she has it in for me, cos of all the silly things she does, I get up her for, hence the names she calls me. But I can not sit back & let her ruin her life.
BG, we have worked with the cops, but they get soooo frustrated with her I DONT CARE attitdude, it makes it really difficult, & there really is nothing out here like that to take her too, living out i the sticks does have it's advantages, but we seems to miss out on a lot as well. I like it, when the kids are home, there is nowhere to go, it's not like they are gonna walk 45k's into town to run amok lol.
Atleast she is having a "i'm a nice girl" day today, I don't think I could handle the attitude.
Thank you so much for all your advise ladies, I really appreciate it.
LULU, I just read your post about your DD OMG, why do they put us through this?? I was thinking it was because I spend alot of time with the little 2 as well, but even before they came along Amy wasn't an only child,I've just hit a brickwall with her. Must go find a jack hammer, cos it cant go on for much longer.
The thing about TAFE though, is there are no boundaries at all. It doesn't matter if you don't go, you simply fail and I'm not sure if its the right way to go.
Can you round up your village for support? I have spoken to nearly every adult in her life. My mum, dad, her step dad and 'real' dad, her aunt, MY step-dad and a couple of her friends parents. I've let them know she is going through WHATEVER right now, but she needs to be taught boundaries and respect, and I need everyones help. We are literally forming a brick wall against her will. Sounds crap but its what needs to be done.
Poppy was the worst, always overindulging her - and I did lots of the things you did with your DD too, but it was never enough. And I've had enough. I'm sad that she may miss out on things, but dammit SHE is making all the choices here, so she can take the consequences herself.
Absolutely STAND YOUR GROUND on the name calling. We can both be each others backup if you want (AND all the fabbo ladies in both these threads!). I have decided I am also stopping all the little things that I do here and there. She can work them back but Im not giving it away for free anymore.......
I'll shout you a box of hair dye if we both get though Xmas in one piece! XOXOXOXO
Storm, sending you {{big hugs}}, I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard when you have tried everything you can think of and nothing works. My DD also has the "I dont care", "I don't know" attitude, and her excuse for misbehaving or wagging school was ALWAYS because "the teacher" hates her. I swear the girl has NEVER taken responsibility for anything in her entire life. Everything she has ever done wrong has always been somebody elses fault...usually mine, LOL.
Hang in there, and hopefully the truent officers can help out.
Hey Jo! Haven't seen you round for a while. Just wanted to send you a I have no idea of how to deal with teenagers (obviously) but I think you mums of teens are amazing people! again.
Sorry I have nothing constructive to offer. My DSD is the same and her most recent excuse was "I was in class, the teacher just didn't see me!". Seems she is wearing her Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak.
Hiya Amy!! Sorry to be "bumping" into you in here.All hugs help, thanks!!
I'm sick of everything being someone else's fault too Marlene, yep, always mine. She needs to face up to her responsibilities, cos from this point, I no longer am going to do it for her. Why should I? She doesn't appreciate a dam thing I do for her anyway. Ooh I hope the HSLO does have something to offer that will benefit us, cos I'm starting to get a real headache banging it on the wall all the time.
LULU, unfortunately, I can't get support like that from my family, my olds just take control, my dad especially reckons a good flogging will solve all my problems.While, yeah it may, I'm not prepared to batter my child to make her be nice. I know she would be dealing with all sorts of issues right now, peer pressure, hormones, bla bla bla, & I am here to support her through that, but I won't take the crap that goes with it either, it most definitely isn't my fault.
Oh great idea on taking all those "little" things away, last night I didn't dish up her Tea, I left it in the pans for her to do, went down just the way I wanted it to, YAY 1 point to me anyway.
I'd love the back up, I think I need it. lol. Being pg dealing with all this makes it a bit over the top.
More reason"s why I wont take her crap.I just wish she could please hurry up & work that out.......
( I'm sure some of you would remember all the drama I had with Dylan last year, it seems Amy wants to follow in his footsteps)
Maybe moving into pops isnt a bad idea...
My 14yo brother was in the same kinda boat at home, He was wagging school getting into the wrong crowd, stealing from mum, when she tried to get him to school in the morning he would throw the biggest tantrum and would not behave for my mum - mum rang me close to tears a few times because they (he and his brother) would be kicking up a stink about going to school... Mum was at her wits end, the police had picked him up a few times, gave him a talking to, she saw councillers countless school principal visits...
Her last option was to send him to me... Which has been very hard for her, she lives 14 hours away and hasn't seen him for 6weeks! but on the good note, he has been getting up at 6.30 (sometimes 6, 530) gets ready for school, hasnt wagged a day since he has been here. We've only had a few arguements over doing his share of work and lying etc... But he really has turned a corner since he has been here, hes going to school, doing his homework, has more respect for his mum and dad, and is so ready to go back home at the end of the school year!
He has learnt that his parents are just trying to do the best thing for him and that there a horribel people with far worst rules (ie me lol) then what mum and dad has!
basically i have treated him like a child while he was here until he proved that he was a teenager... We took away all privleges for the first week (computer, softdrinks, dvds, tv made strict bed time rules, etc) But now that he has proven to do the right thing he has those privleges back hes allowed on the computer when he ask, can watch tv movies etc...
Maybe try all that if she has a tv in her room, take it out, no internet, no friends over or going to friends, no this or that - until she can prove her self...
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She keeps wagging school.
& will just treat her like garbage in the process, making it all worse.
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