Discipline..

[mrscricket]

I don't even know where to start with this.. I am having a feeling like a bad mum day I guess.. DS is becoming increasingly aggressive.. hitting and biting. Usually it is in play - he will be playing with you and get a bit out of control and lash out. His biting is getting to the point where noone in the family wants to pick him up - he will snuggle in and then give you a nip on the shoulder. Today was the first time he has hit out in frustation. He was trying to take his comfort blankie outside and I said no and took it off him. He chucked an absolute wobbly and start hitting at my legs. I went to pick him up to say "Don't hit mummy" and he wacked in the face several times. (I feel like crying writing this). I put him down on the ground - I guess to remove him away from me - and leant down to say no hitting and he hit me again in the face.. The only thing i could think to do was to put him in his room and shut the door. I said "You have to stay in here because you hurt mummy and hitting is not allowed" and then shut the door. He was banging on it screaming "Mum mum mum". I timed it for one minute exactly (is that a Supernanny rule?) and then opened the door. He flew into my arms and threw his arms around my neck for a big hug. I pulled him back and said "Please don't hit mummy again. It makes her sad and it hurts. Please say sorry mum". He put his head on my shoulder and said "Srrr Mum" (his version of sorry).
We went back to play and a little while later, he went to hit again. This time I managed to catch his hand, and said "Don't" as sternly as I could. It was very close to his nap time so I felt like this was the most I could do at the time.

Anyway.. I guess my questions are based on how or do you discipline? Am I expecting too much of him at a young age? Do you think the time out is appropiate for a 16mth old? I am just really not sure. So for the only advice I have recieved is pearls of wisdom from my MIL - typical "A good smack will cure that". I am not against smacking - in the correct situation. If he was going to touch a hot stove for example, a smack on the hand would be better than a skin graft, but I don't believe in smacking FOR smacking. I believe I would be setting the wrong example and if mummy/daddy smacks why can't I?

I am not even sure if any of this makes much sense because I am now a blubbering mess thinking about him screaming "Mum Mum". If I haven't psychologically damaged him, I may of done it to myself..

[BellyBelly]

The word discipline means to teach... I always remind myself of that when I see red

There are some great books to help with this, The Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland is a good one. Also Toddler Tactics by Pinky McKay... might help to invest in some good books you can keep referring back to.

Hang in there!!

[mrscricket]

Thanks Kelly - I have Toddler Tactics and I adore it. Got me through a particually fussy-eating period. I might dry my eyes and go and pull it out of the bookshelf.

[krysalyss]

Hi Mrs Cricket - I strongly suggest you check out Robin Grilles 'heart to heart' parenting.
It is an awesome book on how to encourage emotional development in your child and goes through what you need to know to understand your child so you can make an informed decision in these kinds of circumstances.
It outlines how instead of discpline to use boundaries and encourage understanding of consequences in your child. It uses natural consequences eg. if you break something you have to help pick it up. Not if you break something you get a time out of a smack. The toddler section in it is really good. He doesn't recommend time out except for a safety measure because it feels like abandonment to the child especially a toddler who doesnt really understand what you mean.

For what it is worth we are going through the same thing. We get hit by DS a lot. This book has really helped us to deal with it even though it may not help straight away (they are after all toddlers). But in the long term it will help them to understand the why and how of what you say. You should focus in simple language on expressing your feelings (it makes me angry or sad). The natural consequence of our DS is that the game stops because we feel angry. We don't ignore him or time out and if he comes up in a nicer manner then the game can start again. HTH

[myson]

I think you did the right thing. Remove him from the situation and explain that its wrong, but dont drag out the separation time as he is still quite young.

And I agree on the smacking thing, i am not anti-smacking but I dont see how smacking a child can stop them from smacking you. It just wouldnt make sense to them I think....

Hang in there. There is LOTS of advice around, check out lots of it but then choose your method and stick with it! Consistency on your part is what will make the biggest impact. GL

[BhoysGirl]

Em, big . Maybe it's an age thing. We're not having issues with biting per se, just big hissy fits at various times, although he does like to kick me away on the change table which isn't that impressive. It's a bit textbookish, but I can generally put his behaviour into 3 categories - tiredness, hunger, & independence issues. When he's having one of his moments, I kind of mentally go through these. The first two are easy to deal with, and I don't get cranky with him when these are the cause, but when it's the last this is when my buttons are starting to be pushed a bit more too, because my DS can be really bad tempered about things at times. Even though it's really hard on your heartstrings, I think that giving your DS timeout was probably a good thing - it was immediate,it wasn't a lengthy drawn out punishment, and it stopped the behaviour, at least temporarily. I'm not an advocate for smacking, although I can see that when they're putting themselves in danger (eg hot stove, running across a busy road), then it can be an almost instinctive reaction, something that happens because you're frightened for them and it's the quickest way to stop them, if that makes sense. So whilst you wouldn't plan to smack them, it probably won't do them enduring harm, and you can always say sorry. And like you, i think that the approach that a good smack will teach them not to smack is completely counter-intuitive. And it always worries me that if you smack them & then they repeat the behaviour (because they do, toddlers are still learning impulse control), then do you smack them harder next time cos they didn't learn the lesson?

But it's very cute that he said sorry though, so I think you're doing something right. I would be more concerned if you were still getting smacking/biting when he's able to have conversations with you & understands how to express his feelings. At this age, I think that being physical is still their main way of expressing what they want or don't want.

[BellyBelly]

Robyn Grille is a great author too Any of those books mentioned are perfect.

[Evie76]

It's soooo hard.

Daniel will sit in the corner and grin at us, like a mental patient. We have to turn around because we can't help but smile too........ little poo head.

I thought the time out corner would be scary and somewhere he wouldn't want to be. But he puts himself there and just grins........ even when he has a dummy in his mouth.

[Visitor8]

hugs.
I think whatever you do be consistant. I luckily haven't had a hitter but can imagine how disheartening it would be.
Hope you find a solution!

[Dasharity]

Hi Mrs cricket, i really feel for you, my ds is only a few days older than yours and is doing the same thing but he hits and bites when frustrated, or doesnt get wat he wants, wich is nearly all the time as he always wants wat he cant have, it is so hard to try and disapline this, i get down on his level and say no biting and make him sit in a particula spot for a minute then stand him up and tell him that we dont bite, i know he is little but i hope this will work eventualy, good luck and if you find something that works please let me know.

[CrystalBoo]

Em, it is so difficult at this age because they don't have the words to express frustration or anger so they lash out instead. I think you handled it all pretty well actually. If the time out bothers you, maybe you could try having a portacot up permanently somewhere (lounge/dining) so you could give him that time in a boring place, but avoid the 'I can't see you' scariness. Just ignore him for that minute instead. He is probably a little young, but maybe you could show him how to hit or bite on a pillow instead when he's feeling cranky, to get the feelings out. You could playact it out with DH - sort of, 'i'm so angry. i want to hit daddy. but nooooo I don't hit people, i can hit the pillow'. Impulse is hard to control for him right now, but at least you are showing him another option and toddlers are fantastic copycats LOL

[Ozziehoffy]

Oskar did that nippy biting thing for a while too! Man, it could really hurt. I'm guessing they don't know they're doing it hard?? When it really hurt I'd react, otherwise I tried not to so as not to bring attention to it so it wouldn't imprint it if that makes sense?? As for popping him into the room, I completely understand why... time out. I use the high chair for that and don't have to much now at all... only took about a week of a few times and sitting facing the wall to get over it and mostly now I just have to ask if he wants to go in his chair and he will stop and shake his head and most of the time stop what he's doing. Of course there are times when he just has that impish look where I know nothing will work unless I go and physically pick him up and redirect his attention elsewhere.

Hitting.... hard one.... Oskar does hit in the face sometimes, I try to hold his hands and get him to look at me and tell him that it's not nice to hit people and to stop. This one is an ongoing work in progress.

Don't feel like a bad mum, it's an ongoing journey being a mum and things change and they move on and get over things and then bring a new set of challenges for us. to you. Oh and I don't believe that he's too young for discipline at all.