Aww Geez...what do I do??????

[Lulu]

DD1's primary school bestie has been kicked out of home. She has somewhere to stay until Xmas, then she has nowhere.

D is a lovely, lovely girl. Her father however is an ARSE, a truly horrible man. The mum left the house about a year ago (well was forced as far I can see) and after being totally clean from heroin for 20 YEARS started herself a little habit to cope. I'm SO not judging her, she has been through alot I'm saying that to illustrate how hard it has been for this poor woman. She used to confide in Dp alot so I know the truth about how badly this woman was treated and why she left. Last she was seen, she seemed pretty well though, but cos she took up the smack again she will not see her family. I get that. So D has left a crappy situation. Apparently the father hit her and thats why she left.

So I have room, sort of. I can put DD1 and D out into the office, they will both love that

I'm tied up in knots about it. D has now left school without her year 10 pass, was mercilessly bullied because of her weight and hated it anyway. She is looking for work, but I don't like her chances.

Can I take this on? ANOTHER teenage girl? I cannot afford to feed her pure and simple, I would have to ask her for board or something. Can I take on the nurturing side that this girl needs? Do I have the time and/or energy into helping her find work or training?
I don't want to open myself up to her mum. Sorry, but I have a rule that NO ONE under the influence can enter my home. I don't want to take on the dad either, but apparently he has washed his hands of D.

I can't let her on the streets, D is practically family but I've only just started to sort my own DD and her dramas, I'm scared of buggering up the equilibrium I think I have found now.....

Oh jeez - someone say something practical.....pleaaaaase!

[ss_storm]

Gosh that's a tough one Lulu, but good on you for firstly considering to let her stay at your house! Poor girl..what a horrible situation for her. Can you talk to some support groups in the area (Centrelink may know of some) or a social worker or something? Surely they would be able to find somewhere for her to stay? I know here we have an organisation called Sisters Housing, they provide accomodation to women & their families who have been a victim of domestic violence etc, there may be something like this in your area?

[briggsy's girl]

hun, can you talk to both your DD and this other teen about limits - yes, you can stay here, but you WILL pay board, you WILL either get a job or go back to school (even if school is ONLY until she can get a job or apprenticeship) - if you can't BOTH pull your weight, the situation won't work etc. it can't be treated as a long term sleepover for the two girls, you need to set boundaries, you need to enforce them

you've got a humungous heart, and i KNOW you want to help - but you have to have a contract of sorts before you take this girl on - and if you DO take her on, you need to have a set thing - first warning, they're seperated (so DD back inside, the other D in the office) - second warning you start looking for alternate accommodation arrangements, third warning, those accommodation arrangements will come into play

it might just be the encouragement that DD needs to pull her head in if she sees her friend out on her ass and that yes, mum will help, but ONLY if they both do it right - and doing it right means not being their slaves - they have to help out (set up a schedule for them for chores they need to do) - and if they don't help, the party is over

you're doing a great thing simply contemplating this Lulu - if you think it through and it's too much, don't do it - but we all the person you are and if you can't take her on, i know you'll step up to offer support in helping her find her way

[Rouge]

Honestly you have to weigh it up. And there is nothing wrong with being selfish and saying you want to put your family first, especially when you have small children at home. Is she in school? She's not going to be in the same school as DD next year is she or is she? Will it affect the younger ones? It would be great to think that everything runs as smoothly as it does on home and away but it doesn't always happen!

Its a hard decision but don't feel bad for whatever way you decide. And the fact you're even thinking about it makes you even more awesome to me

[Karina]

Maybe she could stay for a little bit and then perhaps you could try to help her sort out a place to live. Maybe there is a womens refuge, or maybe a social worker could help her out? She might be eligible for some kind of centrelink payments if she is unable to get a job. I think its great you want to help her out by the way.

[Arimeh]

Practical advice.. hmm.. I'd better not say anything ...

BUT - because I can't help myself, I will....

My mum faced a similar situation - my friend at school had a terrible home life and was kicked out at 16... so she moved in with me and my sister (we lived together in a unit that mum paid the mortgage on because she was far too busy living with her boyfriend and looking after his kids ) so Tam moved in with us.

She lasted about a month - following mums "rules (which weren't very many) and then moved in with another girl at school who was also having problems at home.

So I would take her in, if it doesn't work out - then at least you can tell your DD that you gave it your very best shot. Anything is worth a try.

good luck.

[Enchanted]

You're such a gorgeous person Luce.

IMO though I wouldn't take her on. As much as she is like family to you I think it wouldn't be good for Bella. You have finally got to a "good place" with her and I think that if D were to move in it would put thoughts in Bella's head. If D gets a job and is earning money do you think Bella would then want the same? Not having homework, being able to go to work and have sparetime with no homework involved, having an income and in result "not having" to do chores to help you out for extra cash?!?

I'm just thinking back to when I was a teenager and I wanted to do what my friends were doing. Once I saw "the otherside" and that I could go out and work and escape the clutches of my teachers I was all for leaving. Due to my amazing Mum she pulled me back into line but at the same time I disconnected from "those" friends I mentioned.

I don't know if I have been any help and I completely understand that you are between a rock and a hard place. I just worry for yoursake. You and Bella have come so far and I would hate to see anything ruin that.

[SugarDust]

You are one beautiful person lulu!

All i can do/say is send you my wishes and prays that you figure it all out and that D finds her feet again!

[maz]

Lulu babe......were the hell were you when I was 15????

As DD bestie isnt at school...they cant help. Have you thought about ringing some of the churchs and youth organisations around to get help to get this girl sorted? Take her to centerlink and get her down as homeless so atleast she has some $$$ coming in and then get her a case worker so she can do something positive.

Id personally be saying you can stay her BUT these are the ground rules. Tell her she has to be fair and while she's not at school...she has to attempt to look for work. Even being a check out chick is a great start. Maybe even get her to enrol at TAFE to finish of her VCE instead of school. I did it and i think I turned out alright (God I hope I did anyway)

Get her to write down a 12 month goal list and work thought it with her. It might help her discover who she is and taht someone cares about her enough to ask. I know at that age...all I wanted was for someone to listen to me and ask how my day was and having non emotional support is the last thing I wanted...give her a hug and let her know your there for her.

Your a friggen wonderful woman Lulu...you can make this work..you know that.

With the right mix of love, support and firmness babe you'll do it.

[Sammiejane]

Lulu, you are awesome!
Good on you for even contemplating it

I can totally understand why you would want to reach out and help D - the story does tug on the heart strings, i do however agree with Cai in that you do need to put your family first and consider how this will effect them
Also Oshani makes a good point about D influencing/enticing your DD to leave school due to finacial freedom .

HOWEVER - if i was in the same situation i would probably give it a go, if D returned to school, could your get FTB for her? I know this wouldnt be heaps, but would help a little...
Could you speak to the family and see if financially they would contribute towards her care? although it sounds like the father is not likely to agree to that, BUT did he work? if not he got the single parent pension i assume? he would loose that i guess, might make him reconsider the living situation.

BG also makes great suggestions about a contract and it is something that definatly should come into it if she were to stay, also how about getting the girls to also set some ground rules re personal space and things, it can all start out with the best intentions, but a tshirt goes missing or deodorant is used, petty i know, but these things can turn into WW3 without good boundaries from the start.

HTH Good luck with your decision

[Phteven]

It's hard enough to study through the final years of school without the distraction of sharing your bedroom with someone who doesn't have any study commitments.
My thoughts would be to make it a temporary arrangement - give her x months to find a home of her own.
Maybe you should contact the Mum and give her a kick up the bum - wallowing is excusable and understandable but her daughter needs her now so it's time to step up and join the program. If she can straighten up and D can find a job they can share a flat - it would be the ideal solution (which is why it will probably never come to pass lol). I know you don't want to open up to her but I think you can call her without having to invite her into your home or commit to any kind of ongoing contact.

[Marlene]

Lulu, you have a very hard decision ahead of you and you have a huge heart!!

I am going to give you my humble opinion.....If it was me I would try any other way possible to get your DD's friend help other than you taking her in. I know the girls will start off with the best of intentions as far as rules and boundaries go but, hey, they are teenagers.
I didnt even know what to say....I have typed and deleted, retyped and delete again, LOL, eveything I am trying to say just sounds mean....but I am thinking of your little ones and how it will affect them. It may all work out just fine, but it may also all go pear shaped, which will affect your DD and your little ones.
If things dont work out with your DD's friend for some reason, she could end up leaving and taking your DD with her. It seems that your DD is just starting to settle down and this could mess all that up.

I dont know...its really, really hard to know what to do....and I'm positive I havent helped at all with my jumbled mess, LOL. I wish you the best and I'm sure you will figure out what to do.

[Lulu]

This is all awesomeness!!!

Some more points -

* D has 5 siblings. Before it all turned to crap and her family fell apart she was used to doing plenty of chores, sharing a room and making do with 2nd hand clothes. She never complained, its the way of large families - everyone had to pull their weight. It's be a cakewalk here compared to her place....

* D has often pulled up my own spoilt DD on contributing and being thankful for what you get.

* I have offered to trade D for DD1 in the past!

* I don't think she would go back to school, although I haven't spoken to her about it yet.

* As much as my DD bangs on about leaving school, she always encourages her friends to stay, including D. I don't think it will be a temptation to leave school because D has.

Please don't pull back with your responses - FFS you all know I'm not easily offended, if you have reality stories let 'em rip.

I would certainly tap her into everything available - I have contacts.....

[Marlene]

* I have offered to trade D for DD1 in the past!

Maybe thats the way to go then....LOL.

[fionas]

OMG.

You ARE brilliant Lulu.

Look, the longer I hang around in this world the more that I think that a lot of love and listening can solve most problems.

So, I think what I would do in your situation is to tell her that she can stay - as a short-term safety net solution until you can all figure out something more permanent - which may take weeks or months. Yep, speak to all the social services you can and speak to her mum too.

I would put one HUMUNGOUS condition on her moving in. She HAS to have a productive way of spending her days and that could be to find a job or to enrol in TAFE before she moves in. I'm not 100% sure about this but I think that 16-year-olds are pretty much guaranteed a TAFE place to keep them in education.

You'll work out the rest in terms of chores and a contract but, to me, making sure that she is either in education or working has to be the priority.

From what you've said, I think she is a positive influence on Bella and she will see that living out of home is hard work and will only make her appreciate what she has at home more.

[aussienic]

I would try and find alternative accom close by.. Help her out as much as you can as a friend and offer her a shoulder to cry on or find her someone she can confide in...

Personally I wouldn't be taking on another teenage girl if you are just getting on your feet with your DD. Also the other thing that would concern me and I am not being judgemental but if the mum is doing drugs then I would be worried your DD and her friend might get mixed up in that.

Plus you have 2 younger children to consider. so yeh in my opinion I would be helping without taking the girl in..

[kelebek]

I think you are amazing for considering this & what follows is just my experience & opinion.

My brother is 5 years older then me & so while I wasn't as young as your littlies I was about 8 or 9 or something when my brother went majorly off the rails. My mum being the women she is also left the door open for him, this doesn't mean she would put up with his **** while he was under her roof but he was always welcome IYKWIM? anyway as a result he would bring home friends whose family did kick them out & often we would have at least 1 or 2 of them living with us at once. For me it was a positive experience.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that if you don't think it will have a negative effect your younger children then I would go for it, I would like to think if it was me I would be able to open my home like my mum.

I do agree with BG & the others that mentioned there needs to be some clear boundaries, chores, bedtimes, impact on DD1 etc...

Some practicalities she should be eligible for something from centrelink, if the dad isn't willing to cooperate the mum should (from memory parent had to sign a form confirming they had been kicked out of home etc... but it could have all changed), also if you think she should at least get year 10 maybe talk to her about TAFE, make that a condition of staying.

HTH & GL whatever you decide.

[Ozziehoffy]

Wow... what a situation. From what you've said about D and how well you know her, I'd personally probably do it. That is just me though. As for money, if she does get a job then board is a good thing for her to learn about anyway and it wouldn't be a bad thing. I don't think she'd even mind from what you have said... in fact I think that she'd just be very appreciative and in fact could be a good influence on Bella by the sounds of her. Also, just check with Centrelink to see if you can get any assistance for her?? You might be entitled to something?? Particularly if she doesn't find a job.

to you, you are so lovely. Let us know how you go and good luck with your decision.