It is with a heaviness that feels like it will not end that i want, no need, to share my loss. This week has been awful. I was eight weeks pregnant with our fourth, and very much wanted, child. We were so excited and had just told our 3 girls, aged 6, 4, and 18mts, who were dancing around with joy. The next day i started spotting but the dr reassured me all was still ok. But when i started cramping and bleeding heavily three days later, my heart broke and i knew i would never hold my child or feel her pudgy arms around my neck, or the sweet smell of baby breath on my cheeks. We named her Lily, as i had a dream that she was sleeping in a water lily in shallow waters, being cupped in the hands of God. All was confirmed with an ultra sound, and now i wait for my body to slowly release this beautiful one who should still be growing within me. I am so very grateful for my other children, and treasure them daily. As a family, we walked down the the sea, and after praying together, we threw pure white Lillies into the ocean to say goodbye. I am still bleeding, and find it a cruel reminder of what is no longer. Will this ache in my heart ever end, i'm not sure i want it to. I feel like i am going about my mundane daily duties in a fog of confusion. My husband is so very supportive, but i still feel alone. I know time and God will heal such wounds, but it is still so very fresh.My only hope is that God is good all the time.
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