My eldest DD has left home, not enough freedom she says... I really want her to come home and wonder if she is right that maybe I have'nt allowed her enough freedomd, then again on the other hand I think we have been pretty fair. Just second guessing everything I guess.
I am looking for ideas on what you are prepared to let your DD's do?
Opinions on..
Out with older people (boys+ girls, mainly boys though) in cars
Would you let them go away for a weekend with friends?
Just hanging out at shopping centres on a regular basis?
Drinking?
The people who she has moved in with seem to be prepared to let her do anything she wants, including all of the above. If I want her home do I have to allow this to happen or do I just bite the bullet (not let her go overboard)and run the risk of her staying out/leaving home?
Oh I hear you on this one!!!
DD has just turned 17 and IMO has got more sensible thank goodness but this is what she is allowed. Hanging out at the shops- yes but not at night except on late night shopping night. Out with older people in cars a tricky one, yes if I know them and they have a decent car (i need to know who they are and what car they drive LOL) I have found that teenagers are much more responsible about drink driving than we were! Also on red Ps they can only have one passenger after 11pm which means they often come home earlier. Away for weekend with friends Only if there were adults/parents there and I had spoken to them first, otherwise a mob of kids- NO WAY. Drinking ah the big question! We have just started to let DD drink if she is at home, not out. She had a NYE party here and we let her drink cause we were home and it was a safe environment. She has accepted this and agrees its fair. last night she went to a party- didn't drink, then came home with 2 of her grilfriends and had a UDL.
We have decided that giving some freedoms means she accepts the restrictions better, also if we give reasons for saying no rather than just saying no cause we can.
DD lived with my dad for 7 months last year, he didn't seem to notice or care what she did and she actually got sick of there being no rules/boundaries. Since she has come home she is much happier cause she knows we make these rules to protect her ot ruin her lfe LOL
I don't let my DD do any of the above! Its got a little to do with her behaviour though, she hasn't shown enough responsibility to.
I can't stand 'hanging out' at the shopping centre, she goes there to shop and meet friends and work.
No riding in cars with boys! Well haven't crossed that bridge yet, but I'll probably take Mrsmacs attitude to that one, it will depend on the person that has the car.
What is it with going away for the weekend ALONE? My DD wants that too but I just laughed and said she could wait till she had a licence. We did briefly talk about it, but only so I could point out how no one would want a bunch of 16yos yahooing around their establishment, and the fact that most of her friends are pretty hopeless with responsibility and that she would get lumped with it. That worked.
Drinking - no. I'm sure she has had one or two when she has been at a party (that she gets picked up from etc), but I'm standing fast. Its been good because she has repeatedly seen how silly it is to spew in front of people. When she hits 17 I will review the rules.
Its all so individual, and it would be harder for you if DD is hanging out with older people. I'm not sure how I would handle it. I suppose I would hope that the people have some sort of maturity....
My DD is a 'young' 16 and not stupidly boy crazy thank heavens. She wants to achieve at school (after she threatened to leave home too for the same reasons), but I'd say that is through seeing her friends move out and have nothing, no boundaries and not much future. I've been sort of lucky that she hasn't pushed any harder.
oh hun, hugs! but having left home, at the same age, for similar reasons, hers my little bit -
having to ask my mum for permission to do absolutely everything really, really sucked at that age. i couldnt even make a phone call without her consent, she even pin locked the phone. i wanted to pay to have my own phone line installed but that was out of the question (i worked part time and was still one of the higest ramking students) so much for being a "mature, reliable, independant student" as all my teachers said.
so, at 15 i started my planning to leave home. i had everything - lounge, fridge, cutlery, soaps, even tea towels! at 16 i was ready to go, and never came home until i left my ex (dont think "oh but i dont want her to end up getting knocked up like that girl" - i fell pregnant with dd after my ex and i had already bought a house - yes, i bought a house at 18)
anyway, to answer your q's -
out with older people - well, do you know them? or are they relative strangers? if you know them, yes, if they are strangers - chances are she wants to get to know them herself before she introduces them iykwim... thats a very tricky one!
hanging at the shops - sure
away for weekend - sure, if she pays for it and other parents are around (even if they are staying in the next house or something, but still around)
drinking - if she is that age and she wants to drink, she is going to do it if you like it or not, she might even want to do it more because you don't let her. so, a few drinks at home, where she can learn her own limits and not make bad choices because the wrong people are around could end up teaching her a thing or two about how to handle alcohol?
I wasn't allowed to drink but was allowed to do the other stuff, of course I would drink then My parents gave me a lot of freedom and luckily enough for me I had the smarts to deal with some of the situations I found myself in. Some of my friends were not so lucky.
Out with older people (boys+ girls, mainly boys though) in cars?
No Would you let them go away for a weekend with friends?
As long as I had spoken to the parents. Just hanging out at shopping centres on a regular basis?
Yes Drinking?
No
With my DD#1 I just gradually increase her privliages, even she wouldn't notice. She is going on a plane to see her aunty tomorrow by herself
If my dd came home after all that stuff I would still not allow it! I see it as rewarding bad behaviour.
My DD always tells me she wants to move out, but I have mentioned to her that moving out to go and live with someone elses parents is not really moving out, it's being a burden on someone else! It's not growing up and becoming independant, it's mooching! I tell her if she wants more priviages becasue she is getting older she needs to take on more responsability around the house to earn it.
Do you have any way of contacting the ppl she is with? I would ask them why they find it so easy to take your DD from a loving home? Why they didn't ask you if there was trouble at home before taking her in... they probably think they are wonderful taking in a troubled teen. Have you called the police?
I have a 16yo DS.
I have to say that I would not allow him to do most on your list. Although we are really lucky and he doesn't ask, he's just not that type of kid. He doesn't "hang out" with mates, when he goes camping with his father, he will have one or two drinks, or after a long day at work, his dad will give him a drink - it's always supervised and it's only one or two and they are far and few apart.
Out with older people in cars no, I have reservations about my kids going with their cousins - although I do allow this because I know them and how they drive
Weekend away with friends I would be speaking to the friends parents first and making sure adults would be present
Hanging out at a shopping centre no - I can't stand seeing groups of kids hanging out doing nothing. Would rather they be at one of their houses
Drinking plenty of time for that later. I tell my 16yo, the laws will change just before he turns 18, they'll change it to 21, then 25.
My 16yo is quite responsible, he babysits for us with DS2, he mows our yard and his grandparents yard, irons, cleans, cooks, only talks back occasionally. Yes he does have attitude sometimes but all kids do. He doesn't hang around shopping centres or anywhere else, never asks to go out of a night time with his mates. He has been invited to the beach tomorrow for one of his mates birthdays. I've said yes, although it does worry me, because he isn't a strong swimmer, has never swam at the beach (that I can remember), burns really easily - even with sunscreen. They are going by train and I just have to trust that he will behave properly. I put my faith in the way that we have brought him up.
Is it possible for you to sit with your daughter and set down some ground rules. Things that you will be firm about and not change your rulings, some that may be changed and add her opinion too. Explain to her the reasoning why you expect certain types of behaviours and why you don't want her to do other things. Maybe you can come to some agreement. Hope that it works out for both of you.
I moved out of home not long after my 16th birthday.
TBH once I had lived independantly nothing would have induced me to move to a situation where I would have curfews etc and my Mum, bless her, was smart enough to accept this and didn't bother trying to impose any rules on me when I came to visit.
I guess that some 16 year olds are prepared to accept the rules but I wasn't one of them.
given that your DD has moved out in a huff, i'd be saying NO to almost all her "demands" until she learns to treat you with respect. once she gets off her high horse, then maybe, but there would be conditions!
given the area down here - well, hanging out at the local supermarket would means she's desperate cos there is nothing there! if she was talking M'well - well, the year 11 and 12 high school used to be just down the road, so we ALL used to go there and just chill. i don't see a problem with that one to be honest. it's a small shopping centre, and as long as she's just hanging and not causing drama... it's a bit of a change from living out in the sticks - and it will get boring really quick with all the old people that hang out over there! even t'gon is just as bad - it's BORING! night time - well, no buses at night, so nope. there is no point in being out at the shops around here at night
out with older people in the car - tough one. as you know, we live further out than you, so i guess i wouldn't have a problem with it if i knew the older person - but there would be restrictions - if i heard of the person acting like a d!ck and showing off, it's a no go. if she refused to introduce them - again, a no go. being trusted means trusting your parents to have good judgement - and huffy hissy fits cos you can't go out... nah - it doesn't work
away for weekends - depends on who, and where they're going. i don't know that i'd be looking at what parents are available - i'd be looking at who else was going to be there - i went for solo weekends with my friends at that age - one, i was responsible enough myself, two - there were older people that my folks trusted (when i was just 16, most of my friends from school were nearing 18).
drinking - tough call. i think i agree with mrsmac on this one - my bro was prohibited from drinking - he'd sneak out, binge then come home. he still has a habit of writing himself off - he's never learned to drink responsibly. the way my teen years went was similar to mrsmacs approach - i was allowed a few drinks at 16 - provided i respected my folks and only drank what they bought for me - so if i was going to a party, they'd buy for me. silly thing is, my friends that were older and not allowed to drink, even when they turned 18, would write themselves off terribly and end up really sick. i had no reason to rebel and drink hard, so i didn't. i would, most times, end up taking alcohol back home with me - i just couldnt' be bothered. i have a healthy respect for what alcohol can do to you simply because i was taught a healthy respect. no offence to anyone that says NO outright - it is your choice - just letting you know of my experiences. i tend to agree with the notion of if you say no outright, she's going to rebel more...
in your circs, as hard as it is, i would risk having her stay out for good. speak up with c'link and tell them you have NOT kicked her out, you have NOT told her she can't come home - rport that she is living away without your consent and you're trying to get her to come back home (it will prevent her getting independent youth allowance). remind her that you love her, and want her home - but that being treated like a grown up means showing that she IS grown up - chucking a tanty and going off half ****ed when she didn't get her own way shows she's no better than her younger siblings, and as a result, until she proves her worth, she will be treated the same - whether she is at home or elsewhere!
good luck in whatever you decide - remind her if she's staying with the dodgy people in the Don (sounds like it) that their rep will rub off on her, their attitude will rub off - she won't be respected unless she pulls her finger out and EARNS respect
yep, I think I basically agree with everyone else. We're in a slightly different situation as DSD (who's nearly 16) is coming to live with us after living with her mum where she has been left to her own devices a lot. She doesn't do well on her own (I know because she lived with us for 8 months and just wanted to hang out with someone to talk to rather than going out with friends or sulking in her room) so her alternative to being on her own at home while her mum was out was to get into trouble with the cliched 'wrong crowd'. As a result, she has already done most of the things on this list from staying out till 2am with someone in a truck, trying booze, drugs etc. etc.
So it could go either way when she gets here. I have a feeling that she will actually feel secure from having more rules/more supervision (we have made it clear that we will be a lot stricter than her mum) but she could totally rebel and want her old freedoms back.
So here goes:
Out in cars with older people: not comfortable with that unless we know who they are.
Hanging around in shopping centres: not the most productive use of her time, but not much harm in it and I can hardly lecture her as I don't mind a tootle around the shops myself. So I can't see the difference.
Going away for the weekend: just with friends - absolutely, 100% NOT. With parents - yes, depending on who they were.
Drinking: toughie but they will find a way if they want to do it. DSD already has while she was living with her mum (to the point of passing out), so we will need to be realistic. My view would be that if she is going to drink she needs to learn how to drink responsibly. It has taken me a long, long time to realise that the first two drinks are the best. After that, there's not much point and certainly no point just drinking and drinking to excess. So depending on DP's thoughts we may instill the sensible drinking line rather than the no drinking line because I think we would have more success with the former. If I knew she hadn't already been drinking, then I'd be more inclined to do the "no drinking till you're 18 because it's the law and the law's there for a reason," but the horse has already bolted there.
I think I might be different to everyone else here and my DD is only 5 but these are the rules my parents had for me when I was 16.5:
I had a car and was allowed out on fri and sat nights but only til midnight.
I had been riding in cars with older boys/girls for about 2 years by that stage but my parents knew all my friends.
If I ever went away with them it was always in a family group with other parents.
We hung out in all sorts of places like car parks and look outs but always came home at our curfews.
Drinking - my parents let me have a few sips of theirs at a very early age so drinking was never a big deal for me. They let me drink beer and wine but refused spirits as they were too strong and I only started them when I was older.
Over all my parents had the attitude that they would rather us do things at home, like drinking and having boys over, than doing them in a park or the backs of cars where we would be in potentially a lot of danger. My parents taught me responsibility for my actions and I learnt the hard way a couple of times but never too badly.
Even though it will be hard I hope to have the same attitued with my DD, who knows, I may be very strict and she may hate it! At the end of the day it is up to you what you think is appropriate rules for your house and what you are comfortable accepting. Good luck!
Thanks girls..
BG not the Don but fairly close they have 4 girls all very similar in age living there 2 are daughters, 1 is a granddaughter and my DD. Earlier this year they had another girl there same sort of thing.
It's really weird it seems like they are trying to keep her from me, every time you see her they send one of the girls with her???
I dropped into c'link to find out whatever I could and the woman was in there bagging me saying we kicked her out and would'nt hand over her things ID etc, when she seen me she came up to admire PoppyI just said we did'nt kick her out and she is welcome home anytime so we won't be saying we did, her reply you have to say that to get more money???!!!!!! She told DD that board was $190 a fortnight, but after not getting homeless youth allowance she has reduced it to $50 a week, surprised me I thought they would tell her she could'nt stay with them then. Maybe they are getting it out of her in labour???
We moved her from a private school to the local High school thinking she needed to have the option of TAFE not just uni, bad move!!! She started work at Mac Donalds and met lots of older kids, they all seem nice, but older. She got invited to a 21st birthday party!!! Weekend in Melbourne going to the show and then they were going to stay at a youth hostel and nightclub. When I tried to explain that she was'nt old enough she blew up, we let her go to the show and she stayed overnight with family. I think thats good for 16.
Then it really started I did'nt know where she was and who she was with, boys 18+ were dropping by the house and next thing she would be off in the car. I don't really know them and she was'nt really prepared for us to get to know them, one day we came home and one of the guys was in the house (lounge room) but we do'nt know him.
At the end of the day pregnancy is'nt the biggest worry, it's getting killed or injured in a car crash, into drugs and alchol in a big way, Aids or some other disease and loss of opportunity. We want her to have something, we have savings accounts for all the kids to be used for something useful like a deposit on a house (very affordable down here)and she had been saving toward the same goal, it's not looking that good anymore.
Thanks for the thoughts again< I think if she does come home we need to have a plan we all agree to. We are on good terms which is weird, she texts me about litttle things and they often end in Luv U xxxxx I just feel helpless and hate where she has gone to live, nothing particulaly wrong with it just very differnet to here. Also don't want the little ones growing up not really knowing her, that makes me cry.
Huge hugs Pam, I know how hard it is when they don't live with you. I hope and pray she comes back to you, we have been so happy since my DD came back from my dad's and the break did everybody good. She is more receptive of our rules and we are relaxing more with them. AS DH says we can't punish her for things she hasn't done and she has been sensible so far.
How much freedom for a 16.5 year old DD?
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My parents gave me a lot of freedom and luckily enough for me I had the smarts to deal with some of the situations I found myself in. Some of my friends were not so lucky.
they have 4 girls all very similar in age living there 2 are daughters, 1 is a granddaughter and my DD. Earlier this year they had another girl there same sort of thing. 
I just said we did'nt kick her out and she is welcome home anytime so we won't be saying we did, her reply you have to say that to get more money???!!!!!! She told DD that board was $190 a fortnight, but after not getting homeless youth allowance she has reduced it to $50 a week, surprised me I thought they would tell her she could'nt stay with them then. Maybe they are getting it out of her in labour???
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