Should I try for #2?

[jackrose]

I am in a quandry!

I have a DD 13 months who I am lucky enough to be a SAHM for and am really enjoying.
I have always wanted to have a minimum of 2 children as I come from a big family and feel a desire to give my children a big bosom of a family to grow up in. I feel very strongly about the idea of siblings and have been considering planning for a second baby from the moment DD arrived.

She was a relatively easy baby (not what I had expected at all)and apart from a bit of a difficult patch at about 8 months has remained so. I would dearly love my children to be very close together in age so I am seriously considering trying for a second baby asap.

Its just that.....
my DH,
although I love him and he LOVES DD, myself and the family unit,
is REALLY unsupportive in day to day life. He is just so busy with 2 small businesses operating which require his constant attention. He is really bad at prioritising me, he is just flat out, unable to do it and we have argued about this a lot in the past. We are currently undergoing counselling about this as I feel it is really important to be supportive to me and to DD and to set a good example of a healthy relationship for our girl. However, in general, I just make the most of my situation and have been doing the parenting pretty solo since pregnancy. Mostly I cope, but I am really worried about doing it with 2 children.

What I want to know is, considering that in all honesty he is not going to change (as much as he may in some ways wish to) should I just try for a second child? Can I manage it on my own? Have others been there, done that? Did it work or was it too much???? I know that there are a lot more men out there like my DH, our society is really good at helping to shape these men!!

[maz]

In all honesty no matter what advice your gonning get...your still going to have that urge in the pit of your tummy for the second baby and I wouldnt be surprised if in 2 months time I read you pg notice in here

To me...yourve answered your own question...I think pretty much any mother who's husband works 40+ hours a week is raising their children mostly on their own...most of us are number one carer for our children...Im not putting men down, they just work most of their time to provide for their families. Consider all the woman out there who WORK full stop and still raise their families...i think they deserve a dame medal in my eyes!

An in aswer to your question (after my dribble lol) YES you will manage it better then you realise

[BekZ]

Firstly if you have to cope you will. My girls are 25 months apart and I have had a lot of support from my DH who works from home. I am currently pregnant with number 3 and DH has now got a contract to work outside of the home so any support I had will be gone (not totally but a lot less). Altough I am scared about havin g 3 under 4 I am sure I'll cope.

On the flip side my SIL has 2 kids 3 years apart and her hubby provides financially but she gets zippo in the way of help or support. Hell the man has never washed a dish in his life let alone change a nappy. She swears that the age gap of 3 years plus has helped in the day to day flow of her home life.

BTW each bub is different my DD1 was a dream newborn and a lively toddler (gave me hell when DD2 was born) and DD2 was much harder sleep wise and settling.

In the end go with what you are comfortable with and all the best

[queenbee]

After speaking with many Mums of two of more children, the second one is apparently easier as you know what you are doing more so than the first. I think us Mums are strong and you just cope with whatever life throws at us.

We have talked about trying for #2 this year. This was discussed about a month ago. Before that, we were adamant we were only having our DD. The reason we changed is that it seemed DD was getting easier to look after, becoming more independent. Then the last week, she has been throwing tantrums and not herself. Maybe she is just starting to assert herself, she's started walking too so maybe it is developmental.

My DP works shift work and is home alot, he helps so much. But still I have a bad day with DD sometimes and I feel like a total whinger! I am not sure I would cope if he worked 40+ week. Maybe I would, who knows.

Anyway, I'm scared of having #2 to some degree. I am anxious. DD was hard from 4.5months to 9.5months regarding the sleep. I had to go to the doctor, I was sleep deprived and not handling things very well. I was never depressed, just tired!

I know how you feel though. Just unsure myself. Worried the next one might be an awful sleeper too but then again, she/he might be great!

[Alyssas_Mum]

I honestly didn't know how i'd cope with 2, but its been fine, i love having both my girls although i have to admitt it does make it alot easier that Alyssa is 4 and can do most things for herself. In general i think you should be fine, having them close together means they'll be company for one another as they get older, my poor alyssa gets so lonely cause she has no one to play with and charli is still too little.

IMO you do most of the work yourself now and if you and coping fine and with ease then you'll most likely be fine with two. DD#1 will prob still be having naps when #2 comes along so atleast you'll be able to nap too which is a luxury i dont have

[mbear]

Hey there -other ladies have given great advice....just wanted to add i can relate to your situation in a way - my DH works two jobs also (Firefighter so does shiftwork, and has his own motorcycle biz), which allows me to stay at home with the girls.

I love it, i feel blessed we can do this - but i do a lot of the parenting on my own. Food shopping, clothes shopping, trips to doctors, even family gatherings i sometimes have to take the girls on my own coz DH too busy /or is on shift.....
I love it, i dont mind it, im kinda used to it now by my third child...but i know a lot of women who rely a lot on their DH, whom need them to be a 50% help around the house....
Good idea bout the counselling...you sound like you know in your heart it will be you doing the majority of the work raising two children. Its very rewarding....and its very tiring. But the bit of help i do get from DH i cherish and i appreciate a whole lot more. Its easily done....its just depends on how you think you will cope...

Good Luck !

[jackrose]

Thanks for taking the time to reply! I'm sorry I have been slow to respond, I disappeared on a little getaway for a few days... time to think things over and get away from the daily grind. I left DH at home and he followed me after a few days, dragging himself away from work, albeit with the phone plastered to his ear the entire time. I knew that would happen, gotta get out and shake things up a bit to make him stop to think!!! We had a bit of a chance to chat (not about more babies so much but about me getting an hour off a week!) so I feel a bit better anyway.

But, I was pleased to read your thoughts. It has helped me realise that I have already made my mind up and helped me to feel better about my decision! Yes, I feel that urge in the pit of my stomach Maz!

I realise that although living on one income is definitely difficult, I am lucky to not have to be working. I think that working outside the home and looking after kids must be incredibly difficult in its own way. As would be being a single mum.

And yes, I do know in my heart that it is unlikely that DH's input will change. I am mentally preparing for that very possibility so that I don't have unrealistic expectations that leave me frustrated when/if we do have another child. I will always hold out some hope however and keep gently suggesting!