My 3y.o. said "I hate you mum"! What shall I do?!?1

[alice77]

Yesterday in the midst of a fierce tantrum that I was observing (DH was dealing with this particular one) my DD who has only just turned 3 turned to me and screamed "I hate you mummy, get away from me!"

Of course it upset me but I kept it together and put her in time out. I asked for an apology which I never got. Later, of course, she was completely normal with me and loving and back to her usual self.

Should I be concerned? This seems like teenage behaviour! My husband assures me that she doesn't know what that really means but she uses the word "hate" to describe things that she doesn't like so surely that means at that moment I fell into that category.

Does anyone have suggestions to deal with this if it happens again?

[ShootingStar]

I would deal with it the way you did. Time out, ignore it. Then once she is back to her old self i would sit down and tell her that her saying she hated you really hurt you and made you feel really sad. I think you need to let her know this so she knows she is hurting you by saying it. I honestly dont think she meant it.. she wouldnt know the real meaning of it at 3.. it was just a spur of the moment anger thing.

Best of luck.

[Tannis]

I agree, I don't think she meant it just a heat of the moment thing. I think you did the right thing too with putting her in time out and ignoring it.

I hope she doesn't say it again to you

[mummy of many]

Hi, I agree with Kell & Tannis, it`s just another stage of being frustrated & being too young to know what the word really means.I remember mine going through this especially once they started pre- school,lol.It is really upsetting at the time,but I?m sure your daughter will grow out of it & using time out & ignoring her is the best place to start. LOL, wait until you have teenagers then we go through it all over again !!

[krisp]

I totally understand you're upset about this Alice. My 2.5y.o told me to shutup this morning. The thing that really upsets me the most is that the reason he said it that he heard his Mummy and Daddy say it to each other. There has been alot of unhappiness in our house for a while. The fact that it is now affecting our innocent children breaks my heart.
I promise faithfully that I will speak to my Husband with respect in front of my children in future. Hearing 'SHUTUP" yelled to me from my baby is just the worst thing....

[Meluchja]

Oh my you poor thing, that must have broke your heart. I think you handled it wonderfully though. I read in Toddler Tamming that ignoring comments like that is the best approach. I agree with the other girls, I'm sure she doesn't know what it means, it amazes me what they come out with sometimes. Not making a big fuss hopefully will eliminate her reaction to do it again.

Hugs to you. And you did a great job. I fear the day I hear those words from my children.

[M22]

alice, you poor thing- i'd be devo tooo i agree with the other words adn as our kids grow unfortunaltey they are going to be influenced by negative words adn situations not just at home at scholl with freinds etc.

you are doing teh right thing by time out etc. you DD is old enough to know she hurt you and aplogise. big hugs.

KRisp- big hugs to you too- It's so hard to hear that from your child ( i cant pm anymore since the upgrades not sure why)Good on you for recongiseing that you need to speak to your DH with more respect - it's hard more so when kids are involved

[Madissun]

I think you did the right thing too and handled it the right way. It must have broken your heart, it made me feel awful just reading your thread title. You poor thing

I think it's really important too to sit her down and explain that "hate" is a very strong word and can really hurt people and it's not a word that can be used lightly. How to explain that to a 3 year old, im not sure. But im sure you will find a way

Good Luck!

[aussienic]

Say well thats not nice.. I will always love you.. and walk away.. My kids do this from time to time to get a reaction.. When I say that to them they say Sorry and say they love me again

[~Aveta~]

i always replied with "i love you, though"

just remember, it's your little one expressing a strong frustration or other strong emotion, not really that they hate you

[Rivlas]

Alice, This is something that nearly every parent gets at some stage.

One piece of advice my Mum gave me when my girls were young was something like "I love you but I don't like your behaviour/words" and deal with it there and then.
You did the right thing by addressing her behaviour straight away but it really hurts when your kids say these sort of words to you.

The up side with that age is that a few minutes later its usually forgotten and you get hugs as if nothing happened.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I think you dealt with it really well. If it were me, when DS had calmed down then I'd have insisted on that apology, but then I am very strict about "polite words" and don't let things like that go.

[Thecla]

I say "doesn't matter, I love you and always will" or words to that effect. When it happened in my house, I didn't particularly think shaming or exclusion techniques were appropriate, I saw her angry outbursts as her way of telling me she wants to spend more time with me. I also try to give her the words she needs to express what she's feeling, eg "It seems like you're really frustrated" and encourage her to talk about whatever is upsetting her. It's not for every family I guess, but my long-term parenting plans include my kids talking to me about everything, even the stuff that upsets/annoys me.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

So does mine, Thecla, but mine also includes using appropriate words. For example "I am upset when you tell me it's bedtime" rather than "I hate you."

[krysalyss]

Kids hit out when they are angry as that is how they deal with things. My toddler cant talk yet so he takes swipes at people. I think that firstly you need to not take it personally as it isn't. Secondly, explain (in simple words according to their age) that it is ok to be angry but not ok to say hurtful things/hurt people, thirdly try to lead with the right behaviour when you are frustrated so that she learns by example, and fourthly use natural consequences so she learns by her actions. For that type of behaviour I would show my feelings at being upset, express my feelings verbally but simply (I am sad because you said you hate me). I personally wouldn't use time out because it can lead to feelings of abandonment and more frustration especially at that age. It isn't really a natural consequence of her actions but is unrelated therefore harder to learn for a child. A natural consequence is you feeling angry or sad, you not wanting to play because she was mean to you etc. As soon as my DS makes any kind of apology (not in words but an expression that he is understanding my response) I accept it. If he hits me again it is just another opportunity for him to learn the consequences of his actions. Unrelated consequences like time-out (unless used for safety etc then it could be a direct consquence) or more traditional punishments like smacking can make the child go into defensive mode (by increasing their anger, fear or frustration). They are naturally less likely to empathise with your response then. And what you are trying to achieve (I think) is for them to understand the feelings of other people. They won't get it straight away of course but they do get it in the end.
HTH,.

[Glamourcide]

I think you handled it pretty well!! DD hasn't got the vocabulary to start coming out with those kinds of gems just yet, but I'm already dreading it
It is hurtful to you as an adult who has a true understanding of the gravity of such words, but to a 3yo it really is just a word used to express displeasure, so try not to take it too personally. Of course she loves you, we all know our kids adore us even when they're taking swipes at us or telling us to 'go away' or using lovely little insults they've picked up from wherever
As for the 'teenage behaviour' statement, hahaha... I think adolescence is simply a recurrence of the 'terrible twos' - the frustration, the exertion of authority, the pushing boundaries and testing limits... it's exactly the same as the tanties they carry on with when they're toddlers.

'I hate you' is probably the one phrase that never gets an airing in our household. DH and I lived together (in separate rooms) with my ex a few years ago and when things started to go bad with my ex, he was there to witness some of our legendary blow-ups. One of the final ones involved him pushing me while at the top of the stairs, and once I regained my balance I screamed 'I hate you! I really hate you!' at the top of my lungs. We were over very soon after that incident and DH always said to me that hearing me say that hurt him to listen to, and that if either of us ever said it to each other, it was an indicator that we were pretty much done. So even now, no matter how angry I am with DH, the 'h' word has never, ever been spoken. And we're not conservative in our speech whatsoever - we're both potty mouths (which I'm trying to improve on as DD is starting to parrot) but that is one word that will not be spoken aloud by either DH or I.