What is reasonable to expect from a 3 year old?

[Yael]

Hey guys,

My DS turned 3 on Friday! Anyway, he is starting kinder this week, so i was going to make some posters to put upstairs with a morning & bedtime routine written on it. And then i was thinking of also making a chart for other things so he can get stickers on it etc. But I think its really important to only set realistic tasks for him to do, so i thought i would ask all the other parents out there what their 3 year olds could do.

So I was thinking of this for a morning routine (and each day he will get stickers if he does each one)

wash hands & say prayer (i help with that)
take of pj's
put nappy in bin
put pj's under pillow
get dressed
eat breakfast nicely
PLAYTIME
brush teeth

And for home routine:

Left kinder when mummy says (we have problems that from day 1 of creche my son never wants to come home... )
Brings bag in from car & puts it away in cupboard & gives mummy lunch box
PLAYTIME
Helps mummy set the table
Eats dinner nicely
Gets undressed
Puts clothes in dirty washing basket
Brushes teeth
Listen nicely to story

And for general:

Listens nicely to mummy & tatty
Was nice to DD
Packing up toys*

What would you add or take away?

[Rouge]

Seth does all that. He also packs up his toys, puts his dishes in the sink and will help me with little random things when he can (and its safe for him to do so). Seth LOVES responsibility I think it makes him feel special, so I think he would go a bit bonkers if I didn't allow him to do this. But every child is different and you need to gauge based on that. And if they have a job they hate, then maybe swap it with something else. Seth likes to take out the recycling, so when he is "over" packing up the toy room, he swaps that with his sister. And his sister will swap other things too.

[Yael]

*bump*

Can anyone else tell me what their 3 year old is up to? I'm sure there are plenty of things i've haven't thought of

[{sarah}]

Zander is almost four, but has been doing all of those since he was three I think it's a great list.

[*Ang*]

It is a great list...very comprehensive.

My only concern is that it might be too much of a list for a 3 year old to comprehend IYKWIM? By my calculations your little boy has the potential to get up to 20 stickers per day if he does all those things right, I think you might find that after a while it wont become an incentive anymore, instead it will become more of a "chore" and he will start to think "Oh well if I dont get a sticker this time then I will get one in a few mins time when I do xyz".

We have a "reward" chart but in reality there are only around 5-7 opportunities per day for the kids to earn a sticker so they are more keen to do it. I would combine a few steps, eg one sticker for the whole getting dressed routine and putting nappy in bin.

[Pandora]

DS was 3 in Nov, and he is starting Kindy this week as well, I really like your idea Yael

Milo does most of those things, and puts away his toys. We have arule where he cant play with the next toy unless the first is put away.
I would not be removing any of them, I think they're all age appropriate.

He also helps set the table at dinner time.

[Yael]

Thanks for the input Ang.. Yeh, i wasn't planning on giving him one for each step, but i just thought if i wrote it up on the poster then eventually when he learns to read or i draw i picture of the activity then he will know what it is.

What is on your reward chart?

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DS is 2 but is already expected to do most of that without a reward!

He wants another big toy out? Help Mammy put the current big toy away (bricks or train set).
He cleans his teeth.
He knows his story and his prayers at bedtime, although it is mostly me saying them not DS atm due to language bits.
He is to speak nicely and not scream and shout.
He loves washing his hands and face - it's a challenge to stop him!
He helps me get him dressed.
He does eat well and try new food - and just recently he started setting the table. Which was really worrying because he just took the cutlery from the dishwasher and put the right number and types of cutlery on the table. Just a month on from me insisting he can bring his own drink to table.

So I think that behaviour should be expected, not special.

To me, rewardable special behaviour is knowing to be quiet in the sermon at Church ("ch-ch, sssh!"), not waking up all night (please!), not tantrumming but explaining to mammy and da what is wrong with either actions or words... the sort of stuff that most children can't do, IYSWIM?

If DS is quiet at Church he gets so much attention from other people I don't need to praise him too much! If he doesn't wake up at night I let him have two stories before bed the next night (and if he has one story it is explained that if he sleeps well he gets two). If he doesn't tantrum then he usually gets his own way. Not perfect, I know, but it isn't all the time and he still has to understand that some things just don't happen.

HTH.

[Nelle]

Looks great to me Yael, mine's not 3 yet, so I might not be too helpful, but I can see that being so beneficial if he's the sort of kid who likes to know what's happening, and what to expect.

[*Ang*]

The "set" tasks that we have stickers for, for each child, are:
-Making your bed in the morning (usually DS's sister helps him out here)
- Sleeping through the night and staying in your bed (DS is a HORRENDOUS sleeper and DD has started to copy him for a bit of attention methinks)
- Cleaning up the the toys in the playroom/bedroom

Other stickers are given for different things depending on the day and the behaviour.

Eg lately DS has been kicking up a real fuss about having a pooey nappy changed so if he does it immediately without screaming the house down he gets a sticker. Or the other day DS spilt his milk on the couch and without prompting went and got a cloth and attempted to clean it up - was very pleased with that independent thinking so he got a sticker. Both children just got a sticker an hour ago because we returned from my SIL's with minimal fuss after having a lovely playdate - there were a few children there all of whom were horrors (well behaviour wise anyway!) but my two were fantastic and didnt get involved in any of the affrays and left without fuss when I told them it was time to go. So I chose to reward their behaviour.

If either of them constructively help me with a task that I request of them that is outside of their normal expected behaviours then I will give them a sticker too - this may be something like helping me fold the washing and put it away (DS trys to help with this so I do encourage it), helping to water the garden etc.

Hope that helps a bit.

[Crystalwings]

I agree with RHF in regards to rewards.
I have done lots of study in relation to rewards from an author called Louise Porter. She talks alot about rewards being intrinsic and how children can learn to do lots of tasks through you acknowleging their behaviour and boosting their self esteem. Children learn to feel good about the action they have completed not because they gain from it but because they can see how much they have helped by completing the tasks set for them and through your reaction. At the child care centre where I work we do use stickers for toilet training but thats it, the rest of our rewards are through acknowledging the child.I think your list is fine & age appropriate and a great idea but I personally would do it without the stickers and just keep them for the general/special things you mentioned.
Another good way to use a schedule board is to draw/get pics off the computer of the tasks, laminate/contact them (DS could help)and put velcro spots on the back and on a large piece of cardboard. Then as each task is finished the child puts the laminated picture of that thing into a 'finish box'(just a decorated bo, again DS can be involved) so he can see what he has done and what he has left to do for the day.

[Visitor8]

I think maybe 6 things on a rewards chart is plenty. I def wouldn't put more than 10.
Everything on that list my boys were doing when they were 3. Also the vaccuming which was more of a game lol
I don't have a rewards chart. My boys don't do it because they get something, they do it because they are part of this household and are expected to contribute in a positive and helpful way. It works for us that way. They get 'special treats' when I feel they have been especially helpful or wonderfully behaved.

[Liz]

Olivesmummy - excellent post. I've been tossing up what to do next with DS, whether to do up a new sticker chart (we used one on & off for toilet training) and I love the idea of a picture to-do list rather than a rewards chart. I might do something with magnets on the fridge.

I've also been tossing up making a weekly calendar for him so he knows what's happening each day. He doesn't necessarily 'need' the structure/routine, but I think it might help on some of those 'difficult' days. Usually I can just tell him the night before what's happening the next day, but if he can look at his calendar and see what's happening, it might eliminate those little arguments we have about there not being time to watch a movie! lol.

Yael - I like your list, and it's given me some ideas on what I should add to what Tallon should be doing! He doesn't make his bed - it's a top bunk.. and plus there's no top sheet atm LOL. I'm afraid he's going to be a non-bed-maker like his parents *eep* I should crack down on his picking up toys tho.. we have a play room out the back, and it's kind of a free for all until I get sick of looking at it, and then it's a big chore to tidy up. I'll try and get us all to keep on top of it!

[Yael]

Maybe i explained it wrong.. i don't want him to do it and expect a reward, as i actually think rewarding them for doing things that are expected are demeaning in a way. I also get him to do stuff like open the curtains downstairs and other "jobs" in the house are because he is a

part of this household and are expected to contribute in a positive and helpful way. It works for us that way

(thanks, that is exactly what i was trying to say)

I 100% agree that i want to do :

They get 'special treats' when I feel they have been especially helpful or wonderfully behaved.

But i wanted to make the list and the chart more because sometimes he struggles to stay focused and get dressed etc by himself or do these other things, so i want it to become part of his routine etc.

I LOVE the idea about making a laminated picture of each activity, and maybe i can have 2 columns for him to move them into - did it all by myself, or did it with some help, and then at the end of the day when we have some special time together i can give him praise etc for how he went that day, rather than a reward or a tick. I would rather save the sticker & tick charts for when i really need them.

Thanks so much for all your advice.

So everyone who said their 3 year olds can do that stuff, what other things can they also do? I want to have an idea about when he is ready and what is a good expectation for the next lot of things kids can do.

[Rouge]

Another suggestion too... we tend not to let our rewards be so specific. Our rewards are often activities instead of stickers etc. Or I might even say "How about we have strawberries with our lunch, so if we get all xyz done we can have some lunch and some strawberries." This way its not too reward focused, but also teaches that things need to be done before we move on to other day to day activities. It might even be as simple as "so we can sit down and have a cuddle and read a book". My DD was the type of child who would do her "chores" simply because she would asked and felt a sense of achievement after the fact. My DS on the other hand needs something to look forward to otherwise he DOES see it as a chore. Which is why I am trying to teach him he does need to do xyz before he can do xyz as this works best for us. Everyone is different as is every child, if the chart works for you guys then thats awesome!