Crying all day

[Liz]

DS started preschool one day a week. He's been twice now. It's 9am-3pm, so a fairly long day for first time I guess.

But he's crying all day. He sort of participates in things if he's convinced enough, but he's just sad all day He eats his lunch tho and is calm through rest time, even sleeps!

He excitedly talks about going to preschool, and if you talk about all the fun things he will be doing he seems really excited. When we arrive he wants to play outside, happily puts his bag etc in his locker, runs off and plays with blocks and toys and things.. but as soon as I say I've got to go, he gets upset and stays sad the whole day.

If you ask him how preschool is, he matter of factly tells you that he "cried again". If you ask why he says he "want to huggle mummy". So I'm saying to him that it's ok to cry and to miss mummy, but mummy always come to pick him up after sleep time (well, a bit after that) and he needn't worry, and that he should have fun playing at preschool.

The teachers have said they can see that he wants to play, but he's sort of stubbornly sad and wanting me. Saying 'no, mummy do it' or things like that.

Any suggestions on what I can do? I'm inclined to persist because I know he takes time to get used to things, and I can also tell that he wants to enjoy preschool, he just can't get over me leaving him. He's been like this lately too with swimming, and even leaving him with Nana or friends for an hour. He needs reassurance that I'm coming back all the time. This started before preschool, but I'm not sure preschool isn't making it worse iykwim. I'm hoping it's an age thing!

So any experience, suggestions etc would be much appreciated. As well as opinions on how long to stick it out for too. He doesn't HAVE to go to preschool, but I'm pretty sure he's getting bored at home and I think it'd be good for him. I could handle it if he was just initially upset and then got over it, but he's crying all day. Not freaking out crying, just sad

[Phteven]

My boys both did short days to start with (10-30 to 2-30) then once they were settled in I started leaving pick-up later.
Some Mums stay with their children at the school to help them settle in.
I think that whatever you do the first few times at 'school' are hard for littlies and their parents - I sat in the car and cried on Imran's first day and I know that when Yasin starts school next year it's going to be a sook fest just as soon as he walks in

[Liz]

Yeah, I'm thinking trying a shorter day. Because he's ok with lunch & sleeptime (good thing too coz lunch is included in the fees LOL) I'm inclined to leave him there til after the sleep at least. but yeah.. maybe if I take him a bit later. It might help him too that there aren't then other kids still crying for their mums. There's another little boy there that cries a lot at drop off time which doesn't help.

Actually now I think about it.. I think it'd be easier to extend the day backwards. As in take him earlier each time, rather than making his day seem longer iykwim. So his day still always ends the same, just he gets there earlier each time.

[Pandora]

Is preschool the same as Kinder in Vic?
Is it common for the day to be so long for them?
Our local ones start off with at least the first two sessions being orientation, and half the normal hours, so between 1-2 hours to start with. Most of the kinders in my area are 3-4 hours, 3-4 days a week which works out at 10 or 12 hours a week.

Anyway, I think the plan of taking him later and gradually easing him in to it sounds good. Once he gets used to it and realises your always coming back he should get better. Just wait til the day you go to pick him up, and he doesnt want to leave to come home

[Liz]

There weren't official orientation sessions, but we were welcome to come in for an hour or so for a couple of days to just hang out, which we did, and he seemed fine. Only one of the preschools we've looked at offered official 1/2 days. Most were school hours.

It'd be hard for me to stay with him there because Kayla would get in the way LOL. And I kind of feel if I stay longer it'd make it worse somehow. I dunno.

Am definitely going to talk to them about him coming in later for a couple of weeks tho. I'll ring a bit later today. Probably still have to fork out the full fee tho. bah. Oh well.. anything to help him settle in I guess.

[Floweryfields]

I would persist, as hard as it sounds, in a few months you will look back on this and think, I'm glad I did hang it out - because in my experience the vast majority of children do eventually 'get there'.

I remember one little boy who used to curl up in one spot and cry all day, then it progessed to eating on that spot, then sitting up paying attention to what was going on around him in that spot. After a number of weeks, (with mum and staff working together closely), he eventually decided it would seem that joining in the fun out weighed the sadness. Now if you look at that little boy, you would never know what he was like to begin with.

[Janie]

Liz, I would definitely try a shorter day, and try to include the things he seems to cope well with. IMO 6 hours is a long day for a little one if he just wants his mummy to come back IYKWIM? 6 hours feels like an eternity to them! (Not to us though hehe). If it's a shorter day, at least for a bit, he mightn't feel that it's so long without mummy, and be more reassured that you're coming back for him.

It sounds as though he will adjust fairly soon, as he really does want to like it. Let us know how it goes! Lots for me to learn in here

[Visitor8]

Is preschool the same as Kinder in Vic?
Is it common for the day to be so long for them?

Preschool is before Kinda.

I would be taking him in later too but keep persevering. He should get better. He is still so little. I think the declaring that he cried today is to make you feel bad Hope he gets better soon for you hun!

[Liz]

Oh man... the preschool I really want him to go to just offered a position.. but it's 2 days a week.

ARGH. What do I do? This is a much better preschool IMO because it's not a long day care. It's purely a preschool. They have nicer outdoor equipment etc etc and it's just around the corner. I'm inclined to take the spot, but it's 2 days.. that could be either really good or really bad. Also, it doesn't qualify for CCB coz I'm not working. argh.

He can't start til he's actually 3, so that's not until a couple of weeks.. and I have to give 2 weeks notice to where he is at the moment.

Oh man... dilemma!!

[*Nikki*]

Liz - When my DD turned 3 i put her into daycare for one day a week.... she hated it... she cried and screamed and it was so dreadful we pulled her out after only going there twice..... At the start of this year we decided to try and put her in a new pre-school (9am -2:45)... the problem was they only do 2 days aweek for kids.... i didnt want to send her 2 days as i only wanted her to go for one day like daycare... anyway we decided to give it a go as they say children really do settle in better with 2 days a week... and in all honestly it was the best decision we have made.... Cody hasnt cried once since she has been to this new pre-school... even tho most mornings she is clingy to me but she doesnt get upset when i leave her at the preschool
I would say for sure give this other pre-school ago... 2 days aweek was really scarey for me... but it worked out the best for us...

Goodluck with it..... i truely know how hard it is for us mummy's

[AnyDream]

Liz, definitely go for the nicer preschool.

I have vivid recollections of being VERY upset as a child at the first preschool I went to - it was horrible, I was overwhelmed by all the kids sharing a huge space.

After my mum moved me, I was much happier. The new preschool had fewer children there, it was better set up with small spaces for each activity, the outside play area was *much* nicer and the teacher ladies seemed to have more time and attention for me.

Not sure how the CCB comes in to it...aren't you still entitled to 22 hours of care per week to be subsidised if only one parent is working/studying?

[Liz]

argh guys... DH & I had just decided to keep him where he is and only change him if they offer us 1 day a week. We'd still be top of the waiting list for 1 day.

And now reading your replies I'm flipping back and forth not really knowing what to do.

As for the CCB.. she was saying something about the preschool being state funded where as the day cares are federally funded, and that affects the CCB. She said unless I'm working or studying we're not entitled. Could double check with centrelink I guess, but she would know what other mums have been able to claim or not.

[Janie]

Liz, my inclination would be to go with the nicer preschool, especially if that's exactly what it's set up for. I know it seems like kind of a waste, but if he's having trouble settling in at that school, you don't *have* to send him two days to start with. You could always do two shorter sessions, or one longer one, or even one shorter one IYKWIM. I think it's worth it if it helps him to settle in.

[mumofmany]

Having had 2 kids go through the stage of 2-3yo clingyness.. plus working in a long day care centre... IMO, children settle FAR more easily with 2 days than 1 day per week.

It makes that second day not so foreign to them.. also helps the understand the "routine" of the centre.

Also.. if he truely wasn't ready for the experience, the carers should tell you. That rarely happens, but occassionally a child is just not independent enough for care or to be seperated from mum. This isn't a bad thing.. but something to work on.

IMO, place him in the 2 day a week centre.. and.. try keep to the hours they ask. That way he isn't missing out on the cirriculum of the centre, and also he will eventually participate better in the tasks that they do.

It can be hard.. but persistance pays off. My 4yo still has the odd day where she cries, and always wakes up crying for me from sleep.. but I think that is just because I'm in the centre, and she knows it.

The carers work with me, and help reassure her that I will be there to get her when mum finishes work.

One more thing.. discuss your concerns/thoughts with the director/group leader. They usually have a wealth of knowledge and words of reassurance that often helps.

[Liz]

Everything leans towards going the 2 days, but then I don't know. I feel mean carting him off to preschool for 2 days. He's only little, and I don't think he needs 2 days. That's probably the main thing stopping me.. that I'm not ready, and I'm not sure he's ready for 2 days.

I then lean the other way, which would be waiting to see if 1 day becomes available, and in the mean time persevere with where we are, and if he doesn't settle, then just pull him out and wait for something else to come up. He doesn't have to go to preschool.

[Bathsheba]

Hi Liz, I can only offer a brief post ATM (witching hour) but I'd just like to say that my youngest DS is 2.5yo and I have also recently started him at a daycare centre for 1 day a week. He has had 2 sessions now and it's gone well so far. The centre he is at could only offer 1 day but that's all I want (and can afford) ATM. I don't work or study either but am eligible for CCB... I said that i was going to volunteer and/or use that day to look for work or investigate my study options. CentreLink don't require "proof" because I only need under 15 hours per week.

Back to your issue: i would look at easing him into it with shorter day/s at which ever centre you choose. I have to pay for full days ($80) per day... but on my son's first day I only left him there for 3 hours... and then 4 hours for his 2nd session. Some people might consider this a waste of money... but I see it as an investment: means he is keen to return! 9 - 3pm is a long time for little ones. You might find that only takes a few sessions to 'build up" to that period anyhow.

Anyhow... mull over which centre you are going to choose... i'd go for the one where the staff are the nicest/most professional. My first criteria on choosing a centre is how staff talk to the children, way above facilities etc. And choose a centre that has a wide range of ages of staff members... don't go for ones that are fully staffed by young girls for example... children often respond well to older women who have raised children themselves, generally speaking. Young staff are great for new ideas too... but like I said diversity is always a good thing.

It's hard to know what is up with your little man... boys do often find it harder to adjust to care outside the home (just in my experience)... maybe once he gets to know the other kids better that will help. if you know one of the other families arranging a play-date with one of the other children could be a good start too.

Let us know what you decide I would persist, but start by reducing hours.

[Liz]

Thank you so much everyone. Well, we are now leaning towards moving preschools, starting fresh and asking if we can do short days for a while.

Bath - eesh $80 a day! Our current one is $51, and i think at the end of the day after CCB it works out to be about $24 a day. This preschool we are looking at is $35 a day, with potentially nothing in CCB. But it follows school terms, we don't pay for public holidays, so it actually balances out about the same per year as where we are now! Only thing is we'll be upping it to 2 days, so might hurt the pockets a bit more.

Anyway, after reading your responses, and also msging a friend who works in child care, who also had her son at this preschool, I'm quite keen to get him in there, and if 2 days is too much, I'll try and move him to just 1 day later if I need to. We know lots of people who have used it, and highly recommend it. The teachers there are lovely, and I love the parental involvement in these community preschools. There's been no offer of any involvement at our current one, and TBH I wasn't that keen on the director there. The carers in the room are lovely, just the director didn't click with me.

I'm still a bit nervous about it all tho, the 2 days thing. Just today I left DS with mum while I popped out to pick up DH from the station (5 mins), and DS flipped out, crying 'don't go mummy'. And mum said he kept saying 'mummy isn't coming back'. So I had a nice long talk to him in bed tonight about how mummy always comes back, and about how fun the new school we visited today would be. He still said that he would cry, and I asked him why.. mummy will pick him up in the afternoons, it's just like when I leave him at nana's.. he plays with lego, has something to eat, does some painting.. and then mummy comes back to pick him up. He looked like he was comprehending what I was saying, so I'll try and drill it into him a bit more LOL.

Thanks again everyone

[BekZ]

Liz - All I can say is hugs. I have just witnessed my niece starting kindy and after 6 weeks she finally getting better and interacting with the other kids and not crying all day. It has taken every effort for mum to stick with it and it looks to be paying off, although I suspect my niece will stil cry at drop off time for quite some time to come.

Goodluck hun, it takes so much out of us emotionally