OK, so I'm being a bit naughty and I really shouldn't but she makes it too easy for me!!
She keeps insisting that I tell her when I go into labour so they can drive the 5 hours up & see the baby when she first arrives. I keep insisting that I will just see how I feel and I'm not sure how I feel about having people at the hospital and she keeps saying that they'll only pop in and out, get a photo with the baby and then off they'll go.
Which is actually quite fine and I'm ok with that.
BUT I might not be up to having anyone there. And she needs to realise that.
She makes comments that she'd just like to see her first grandchild like other grannies, and I keep saying that I'd like the time with my first child too. And that its time for DH & I.
My mum is going to be at the birth (hopefully) so I can understand MIL being a bit jealous and wanting her look in too.
But when anyone insists on anything with me, it tends to bring out the rebelious / stubborn streak and I tend to politely insist the exact opposite. And I'm a strong personality so I'm probably a little intimidating to my MIL
We finished the conversation off quite nicely, but I can just imagine that she has put down the phone and started whinging about the unfairness of it all to FIL!
Oh well...start as you mean to go on, I guess, and I'm not going to be pushed around by a MIL...ever!
Last edited by Winter; March 5th, 2009 at 08:36 PM.
: grammer..doh!
Stick with your guns. When I had DD, I wanted DH and my mum there with me. MIL decided to come to the hospital and wait in the waiting room - of course she made her way into the delivery room and witnessed the whole thing. She saw much more than I expected her to ever see.
No matter how much I told my MIL and SIL that I wanted some special time with DH, DD1 and the new bub they still arrived at the hospital door within hours of me giving birth to DD2. Unfortunately they really interupted the introduction time between DD1 and the new baby because they also brought all the cousins. My poor DD1 was so distressed when she saw me in hospital and she could get around the crowd to cuddle me that she burst into tears and made a huge scene. Then I burst into tears and my DH lost it with them all.
Needless to say that this time around they have been told "directly" that there will be no visitors for 24 hours post birth.
Winter, I understand your reaction so well. I would do the same thing if I was you.
I have the opposite problem with my IL's. They are so mega careful not to rock the boat, that they never say what they would like. When DD was born, I wantged them to be able to see her. I knew they wanted to. But they were just so worried about ?mposing, that they didn't want to come to our place and meet her. So we dropped by on the way home from tthe hospital (4 hours after DD was born).
It'ss like that a lot with them. It's impossible to get them to tell you what they want, they are just too politically correct. It drives me nuts. In other instances they can be so forceful and just can't keep their noses out of our business. I just can't work them out.
anyway, stick to your guns. Yes, it is their grandchild. But, you and DH are the parents. You matter most. if you don't want visitors, that's your right. Who cares if they see your baby within the first minutes of her birth or the next day.
Its funny isnt it. We want our mums there but find the whole thought ot MILs disturbing. My mum was with me when I had DD1. Since then it has just been Me and DH/XH except for #5 when my two eldest were on the other side of the curtain. (Hopefully DD1 has been turned off having babies for a while, LMAO). They simply don't understand the difference. Worst case scenario this time is I am going to be completely by myself (which is why I am working quite determined on my birth preferences and my Doc has provided his after hours number if I need support) because my mum is *trying* to make it, but right now - nothing is assured. Although, one of my sisters is 3 hours away and I have been pondering the idea of putting some money aside to send her for petrol if I get enough warning.
However - my MIL is 30 minutes down the road - 5 from the hospital. Even if she was interested in DHs offspring - I simply would not want her to be there. I know its her grandchild too - but this is MY personal space! I would not be comfortable - and that is just not a good environment to have a baby in.
I know exactly how you feel. DH's mum was always amazing, very considerate and while she expressed her enthusiasm and desire to be involved with DD right from the day we announced we were expecting, she never, ever pushed the point or made demands - just told us that she was only a phone call away and that she respected our right to privacy and bonding time with our daughter. It was DH's dad who was the problem - *insisting* that he not only be called the minute I went into labour, but be present in the birthing suite etc etc. And, like you, when I'm asked nicely I'm much more likely to respond positively, but 'telling' me what is going to happen puts my hackles up and I usually go the route of open defiance just to prove a point.
Needless to say, I didn't want anybody in the room with me apart from DH, although I was somewhat open to having my own mother there (yes, I know, we love our mums but can't stand our MILs!!) - about halfway through my labour I sent DH to call mum as I just *needed* her there suddenly (I was reluctant to have her there because she tends to be a nervous wreck and one ends up trying to comfort her rather than concentrating on one's own situation, kwim?). But well before the birth, DH and I agreed that under no circumstances were his parents to be contacted until well after the cord was cut and DD and I were back in our room - as it was, the nurses were under strict instruction not to allow any 'visitors' during labour but DH and my mother, but somehow my father and brother appeared with cameras (and a completely traumatised expression on my little bro's face - good, I hope it's taught him the benefits of safe sex!!), so I'm glad we didn't leave it up to trusting them to keep 'intruders' out.
FIL went ballistic when DH informed him that baby had arrived safe and sound - 'WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY CALL ME?! WE WANTED TO BE THERE!' and DH just gave him the excuse that 'things happened too quickly, Donna needed me by her side and mobiles aren't allowed to be used around the equipment so I was incapable of contacting you until just now'. It worked sufficiently, but then we had the problem of FIL and MIL hanging around, constantly hogging DD, bringing all their friends (who, granted, have known DH since he was a tiny lad, but I didn't know half of them from a bar of soap) up to check out the baby and pass her back and forth like a football...
It was hell. The middle of one of the worst flu seasons we'd seen in years (and half of us were looking like death, we were so sick), strangers touching my baby and refusing to hand her back, no privacy to establish breastfeeding (FIL insisted 'don't mind us, just flop 'em out!', never mind that he might not care, but I DID!), interrupted sleep (DD was waking every two hours for feeds and every time she'd go back to sleep, I'd try to sleep, and somebody would arrive to wake me up and demand to look at the baby)...
We'd asked the nurses not to allow visitors. DEMANDED that the nurses not allow visitors. Told them 'NOT EVEN FAMILY ANYMORE, JUST DH AND MY PARENTS, PLEASE!' and they still did nothing but say, 'Donna? She's in that room right there!' whenever somebody showed up to see me.
Sooo... it's a tricky one. As long as you have DH onside as far as the in-laws are concerned, it should be a lot easier on you. Maybe put in your birth plan and speak often to the midwives now and when bub arrives that you don't want any visitors after bub's birth for at LEAST 24 hours. Ask DH not to contact his parents until after bub arrives safely and then they can make the trip (because it's awful when visitors are staying in motels, they get bored and try to find things to do - and if they're staying with you, you and DH won't be home much so they'll again be hanging around looking for entertainment!). As long as he understands the importance of those first few critical days of bonding and getting to know your baby, he will be supportive and should speak to his parents directly if you aren't comfortable laying down the law to them (and who is?! I know I was petrified of telling FIL what to do, he jumps on his horse about the smallest things and thinks he's always right)...
I really hope things are better for you than they were for me, but yeah, not contacting the in-laws until after bub is here and you have had a chance to get to know each other is a good idea in my book - I was so glad to at least have *that* worry taken out of my hands for my labour and a few hours afterwards.
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MIL Baiting...she makes it too easy!
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